“Aubrey,” he said.
She met his gaze. Right. She had things to say. “Okay, first of all, I didn’t sleep with you to make amends. I slept with you because I wanted to.”
He still didn’t say anything, and she pointed at him again. “And you know what? It was your own damn fault. It was those jeans you wear, and the tool belt. It was the size of your hammer!”
From off to the side came a few commingled gasps of shocked laughter, and both Ben and Aubrey turned to look.
Jack’s front window was open, and three faces were pressed up to the screen.
Ali, Leah, and Jack. The Three Stooges, though only two of them were drunk as skunks.
Aubrey narrowed her eyes and shooed them, but no one shooed. “I said no eavesdropping!”
“Jack’s window just happened to be open,” Leah said. “So really, that’s not eavesdropping. At least not technically. Because technically—”
Jack put his hand over her mouth and shut the window, though none of them moved away.
Ben gave them a single hard look, and Jack grinned. But he did lower the shade on the window, leaving them alone.
Ben turned back to Aubrey. “The size of my hammer?”
Yeah…she couldn’t believe she’d said that, either. She opted to try to find the moral high ground and lifted her chin. “You’re missing my point.”
He crossed his arms over the chest that she wanted to lick from the sternum to the edge of his boxers and beyond.
Focus, she ordered herself. “I couldn’t help myself,” she said. “Being with you. I knew it was a bad idea. Hell, you knew it was a bad idea. And yet we did it. We both did it, Ben.”
He continued to just look at her, and this reminded her that she was mad. “Look,” she said. “I’m tired of you not saying anything. So stop being quiet and speak up.”
“I’m used to quiet.”
“Well, that’s just great,” she said, tossing up her hands. “Because I’m so not good at quiet.”
“No kidding.”
She refused to let him get her off track with his pissiness, even if he had good reason for it. “Ben,” she said, stepping closer. “I’m so sorry I hurt you. And I’m sorrier than I can say about what I told Hannah. I was a horrible bitch back then. But I’m not that person anymore. I have no excuse except that I was miserable and Hannah had everything I wanted, including you. But that’s not who I am now.”
He still didn’t say anything, but she could tell he was processing what she’d said. She should just shut the hell up, but she had this chance to talk to him. She didn’t know if she’d get another, so she needed to put everything out on the table. “And I never meant to keep the truth from you,” she said. “I honestly didn’t know how to tell you, much less fix it.”
“It can’t be fixed,” he said.
There was another gasp from Jack’s duplex. At this, Ben swore under his breath and yanked Aubrey inside. He slammed the door and faced her, hands on hips.
“It can’t be fixed?” she repeated shakily.
“Well, what did you think, Aubrey? You stole two years of my life with Hannah. How did you expect me to react? And you slept with me before you told me. And you kept sleeping with me.” He paused, and she wondered if he was remembering how little sleeping had actually been involved.
And how good it had been between them…
“I can’t get past that part,” he said quietly. “I was on your list so that you could make amends, not mess up further.”
“I wasn’t with you because of her,” she said. “Or the list. That part…just happened.”
He closed his eyes and swiped a hand over them.
Not exactly the reaction she’d been hoping for. “We have something, Ben. You know it, and I know it. Here, in the present, we have something. I don’t want to walk away from that, or go quietly into the night. That’s not who I am.”
“No,” he murmured, meeting her gaze, his unfathomable. “You’re the one who waits until midnight, decides she has something to say, and can’t contain it.”
She was pretty sure that wasn’t exactly a compliment, so she ignored it. “I’m in this, Ben. You’re important to me. It’s why you were on my list.”
“You and that list.” He inhaled, long and slow, and then shook his head. “I just want to forget it. Get over it.”
She was standing there, helplessly struggling to overcome her past, fix her present, and secure her future all in one fell swoop. But she was watching Ben’s face, and it told her the truth, the terrible truth. “I’m willing to fight for you, for us,” she said slowly, taking in the devastating realization. “But you’re not.” She staggered back a step, feeling like she’d been hit by a train. “You’re not,” she repeated to herself softly, trying to make it sink in.
It didn’t want to sink in. “You’re not willing to fight for us at all,” she said. “You’re really going to use this as an excuse to get out.”
“There’s nothing to get out of,” he said. “There was no us.”
Rubbing her chest, she stared up into his eyes, which were wiped of emotion, just completely blank. And that hurt the most, she thought dazedly, in shock that he could do this, just walk away. She couldn’t fight that. She didn’t know how. And though she hated it, she had no choice. She had too much pride to be the only one in this, the only one fighting.
“I’ll be by to finish the wood trim,” he said.
He didn’t finish the rest of that sentence, which was clearly “and that’s it.” He didn’t have to.
“Forget it,” she said.
“It was a gift,” he told her. “And I finish what I start.”
She had to laugh. It was better than crying. And she’d cried her last tear over him, she promised herself. “Are we seriously having some stupid conversation about the trim after you just dumped me?” she asked in disbelief.
“I didn’t dump you,” he said. “We were never exclusive.”
And the hits kept coming, even if it was the utter truth. “You’re right,” she said. “This was never a relationship—which we were both perfectly clear about from the get-go.” She really hadn’t meant to get involved, but she had, and the damage was done. He’d been it for her, the only man she wanted to be with. Not that she’d ever fully allowed herself to believe…
Okay, she had. She’d let herself believe. Her mistake. But she’d been there; she knew she wasn’t the only one who’d fallen, damn it. He’d done it, too. He’d shown it in every look, every touch. Every kiss. “You can pretend this is about the past, but it isn’t,” she said. “I think you fell for me, too. And I think it scared you. I get that you’ve been hurt. But that’s life, Ben. Life is one big fat gamble, and the odds are never in your favor. So you either go for it anyway and toss the dice or you don’t play. But not playing?” She jabbed him in the bare chest with her finger. “That’s the coward’s way out. And I hadn’t pegged you for a coward. Figure your shit out.”
Chapter 28
Ben was still standing there in the butt-ass-cold doorway of his place in nothing but his boxers when Jack opened his own door. “You’re an idiot,” he said, and then ran down the sidewalk after Aubrey. Grabbing her, he redirected her 180 degrees and poured her into his car.