Off Limits

chapter 27



Nix



2 weeks later...



I boot the laptop up and grab a beer while I wait. Harley is curled up at my feet.

We've been holed up in this dingy hotel in the town of Oleny, Illinois for two days. It's the last leg of our journey from California. I've been stalling, not quite ready to head back to reality. But tomorrow...for sure...I'm going back home to New Jersey.

Opening Outlook, I take a long swallow of beer. I need to send an email and it will make one person very happy, and hopefully it will work out for two more people as well.

I need to think about what I'm going to say, so I stall by reading some email exchanges I've had over the past few weeks.

I burn with a little shame and a whole lot of guilt when I read the first one from Linc.



Date: November 10, 2012 8:17 a.m.

To: Nix Caldwell [[email protected]]

From: Linc Caldwell [[email protected]]

Re: Happy Birthday A*shole!



Nix: What the f*ck dude? You take off without telling me where you're going? It's a good thing you at least let dad know you were traveling or I would so kick your ass. You have some explaining to do. I don't know what happened between you and Emily but Ryan is extremely pissed at you. If it's any consolation, I know I told you not to hurt her, and you clearly did, but I know you didn't do it intentionally. You're not that type of man. I hope you get your shit worked out. Miss you buddy.



Oh, and Happy Marine Corps Birthday!

Semper Fi



Linc



Yes, I'm riddled with guilt and shame. I didn't intentionally mean to hurt Emily the way I did. I was so angry, so afraid of her finding out the truth about me, that I had absolutely no control over my words. I never, in a million years, would try to hurt her, but I hurt her all the same. And I hate myself for it.

The next email I read represents the start of my journey back to salvation. It took me less than twenty-four hours to decide to pack my shit and hit the road after I kicked Emily out. It took me a bit longer to realize I needed help and I reached out to Dr. Antoniak.





Date: November 11, 2012 6:21 a.m.

To: M. Antoniak [[email protected]]

From: Nix Caldwell [[email protected]]

Re: Help



Dear Dr. Antoniak:



I think I may have screwed my life up pretty royally and I really need to talk to you. Unfortunately, I'm in California so I obviously can't come and see you. Can we do a phone session?



Just as a head's up, I was in a situation where my rage completely took over and I'm afraid I said some things to Emily that are pretty unforgivable. I'm not sure what to do but I would like to try to fix this. Any help is really appreciated.



Sincerely,

Nix Caldwell



I'm lucky that Dr. Antoniak responded to me almost immediately. We set up to have an hour session via phone for the following day. I spent most of the time telling her in exacting detail what transpired in my bedroom when Emily found my Navy Cross. It still came back to the same exact issue. I was suffering from extreme guilt over what transpired with Paul, and until I confronted that, Dr. Antoniak pretty much said I was f*cked.

She didn't say it in quite those terms, but that's what I got out of it.

I spent the next week talking things through with Dr. Antoniak over a course of three phone sessions. She would send me follow up emails giving me words of encouragement.

I read one such email now.





Date: November 16, 2012 4:02 p.m.

To: Nix Caldwell [[email protected]]

From: M. Antoniak [[email protected]]

Re: You Can Do It



Dear Nix:



Just a quick note to tell you that I think we had a very good phone session today. You know the answers to all of your problems. Hell, you've probably known the answers all along. You are only missing the fortitude to push past your fears and confront your guilt head on.



You must go see Paul. You must talk through these feelings with him. Remember, it doesn't matter what he says. It doesn't matter what his perception is. It only matters that you get these feelings off of your chest so that they stop weighing you down. I personally trust that Paul is going to give you exactly what you need to heal.



Last piece of advice. You need to let Emily in sooner, rather than later. You need to trust in her too. Now get off your ass and go get it done. I have faith in you.



Dr. Antoniak





This last email has the desired effect and I believe I'm ready for what needs to be done. I open a new email to Dr. Antoniak and start typing.





Date: November 18, 2012 10:48 p.m.

To: M. Antoniak [[email protected]]

From: Nix Caldwell [[email protected]]

Re: Here I Go...



Dear Dr. Antoniak:



I’m heading back and will be home by tomorrow evening. I plan to see her then I'll head down to see Paul.



I'll let you know how it turns out.



Sincerely,

Nix





I hit "Send" and then shut my laptop down. I sit back on the bed and finish my beer, my thoughts straying to Emily as they normally do.

I miss her so much.

I cannot believe how much I f*cked things up with her. I wasn't even sure that we had anything to f*ck up. But once I pushed her out of my life, it was painfully obvious how much she fulfilled me. If I thought I was only half of a person before I met Emily, I was nothing but a wasted, dried out husk after she was gone.

Over the past two years, I have spent all of my time trying to hide from my feelings. I was afraid of the torment they brought me. What I've come to learn is that the pain of losing Emily far exceeds anything that I could ever imagine happening to me.

And that realization alone makes me understand with shocking clarity that I have nothing to fear by talking to Paul. Nothing can hurt as bad as the way I feel when Emily is not in my life.

I've probably lost her for good and that's a consequence I'll have to bear. But I need to let her know she's taught me so much in the few weeks I've known her. She's shown me the path to my own salvation and I am finally strong enough to walk it.