I swallowed, sudden tension in the air. Did this mean she was over her sudden anger? Or ... what did it mean? Why did she joke about something so intense? So deeply personal between the two of us?
The hell of it was, the night we’d just had together? It was … everything. It meant everything. It was so much more than sex. So much more than anything I’d ever experienced, even more than our fumbling first night five years before. More than I’d even imagined.
I couldn’t get a grip on my feelings, because every time I thought of her, I was overwhelmed. Every time I thought of last night I was overwhelmed.
Every time I thought of her whispering, I love us.
“Sometimes I don’t understand you,” I said.
She snorted, raising one eyebrow and looking at me with an expression that bordered on amusement. Then she took a long drink from her wine. “Did you seriously just say that, Gregory? You don’t understand me?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”
“I want you to tell me what you’re thinking.”
I sighed, then leaned forward and took a sip of my gin. “What I’m thinking, Savannah, is that … last night ... was the happiest I’ve ever been in my life.”
She frowned and shook her head. “You didn’t look so happy in the morning. When your wife called.”
I shook my head impatiently. “That’s not as simple a situation as you might think.”
“What’s complicated about it?”
I sighed. I didn’t know how to answer, because it was a mess. I didn’t love Karin. I should never have married her. I’d done it in a moment of heartbreak and loneliness, two years after Savannah left, knowing I’d lost her forever. Not even realizing that I’d condemned myself by doing so.
There was no right answer. There was no excuse. And no matter what happened with Savannah, no matter what happened with Karin, the fact of the matter was, I was the one who was wrong. Every single step of the way. I wanted Savannah so badly it was like a wound that wouldn't heal. I didn’t know how to fix it. I didn’t know how to make it right.
Then, before I could stop myself, I blurted out, “I can’t promise you anything.”
“You what?” she asked. Her tone of voice implied irritation. Disgust.
“Listen to me,” I said. Fumbling. Confused. Unsure of myself.
“I’m listening,” she said, “but you aren’t making any sense.”
I swallowed and closed my eyes. Then I opened them and met her eyes. She shifted in her seat, and as I spoke the next words, I had the feeling that I’d taken a headlong rush off a cliff.
“You’re my heart, Savannah. Not in it. Not a part of it. I’m consumed by you. Obsessed by you. I need you in my life any way I can have you. Don’t tell me you don’t feel the same way.”
She frowned then looked away. Her face seemed to tremble. She looked back and whispered, “I’ve always loved you.”
I looked at the table. “Last night was undeniably the best night of my life.”
She rolled her eyes and waved at the waiter, indicating another round. I was an unsteady mess as it was, but another drink would just be more of the same.
“Savannah, I need you to listen to me.”
She shrugged. “I have been.”
I swallowed. Then I plunged forward. “I never stopped loving you. I never stopped thinking of you.”
She shook her head. “Inconvenient, isn’t it, that you went and got married.”
I winced. “Yeah. Well, I did. I was … lost. Lonely. I’d screwed up badly and knew it. I’d lost touch with you. I didn’t know how to make it up to you. I didn’t know how to fix it. And ... she was there. It was just ... easy.”
“Easy?”
My tone dropped, and while I spoke the words, I couldn’t possibly express the frustration, the disgust. “Easy and stupid. I married someone I didn’t love.”
She met my eyes. “What does that have to do with me, Gregory?”
I held her gaze. “I guess, what I’m trying to say is ... I can’t promise you anything. I can’t ask for anything. But … I’m going to anyway. I want you, Savannah. I want you in my life ... for … whatever happiness we can have, while we can have it.”
She recoiled, confusion and sadness on her face. Then she started to stand, and I reached out and grabbed her hand.
“Please,” I whispered. “Savannah ... I need you. Desperately.”
She shook her head, tiny movements, and I dove in and said, “We have this summer. We have … the next two months on the road. Savannah ... don’t turn me away. I love you.”
“What are you asking me?” she cried.
“I want you to have an affair with me.”
The words fell into the room, suddenly silencing everything around us. She stared at me, her lower lip barely trembling.
Then she stood, yanking her hand from mine, and ran out of the car.
Savannah
Yes.
I got out of the lounge car as fast as I could, before I could utter the single most ridiculous word I’d ever considered saying. Gregory just asked me to spend the summer with him. With him. He loved me. Just me. There were things going on in his marriage that were complicated, but … he didn’t love her.
He loved me.
I needed to talk to someone about this. I needed to tease out reality from fantasy, and love from choices. Because, really, whether or not Gregory loved Karin, he was married to her. He chose to marry her when I was thousands of miles away and not in his life at all.
What if I’d been around?
I’m consumed by you and need you in my life any way I can have you ...
I couldn’t tell him I didn’t feel the same way. Because I did. I had been consumed by him from the moment he played at the end of our first class. Obsessed. Obsession makes people crazy.
Maybe crazy was okay if love was the reason.