Ugh, these conspiracy theories had to stop.
"Great, okay. I'll... I'll email you if it looks like I'll be gone for more than a week, but I don't think that's going to happen."
"Fine. Sounds good Hannah."
Pam's tone and posture said I was dismissed. I lingered by her desk until she was forced to glare at me.
"Yes, Hannah?"
"Have you been in touch with Matt?"
I thought I saw something pass through Pam's expression, but it was gone before I could decipher it.
"Yes. He's still my author. We communicate from time to time."
"How is he?"
I closed my eyes; I didn't want to see Pam's withering glare.
That woman is a shark, Matt once told me, but Matt was a tiger and Nate was a hawk. They were all dangerous. They all lived in the rarefied air of the successful and, now more than ever, I felt like a child.
A child in the dark.
I kept wondering—how dare they? How dare Matt use me and lie to me? How dare Nate swoop in and bribe me into helping his brother? How dare Pam treat me with such cool indifference when I was going to save her bloody author?
God, but I was in love with Matt.
My heart quickened as I stood in Pam's office and felt the anger and heat of my love. I didn't need five thousand dollars to go to him. The money was an insult. And I wasn't doing Pam a favor by going to him. And he sure as fuck didn't deserve me going to him.
I was going to him because I loved him and because love is unstoppable.
"He's seen better days," Pam said quietly.
My eyes flickered open.
Pam wasn't glaring. Her expression had softened and she wore a small frown.
"He becomes someone else, Hannah. Someone I don't know. He's difficult to know as is, but—" She ran her fingers over the keyboard. Emotion made her restive. It did the same thing to Matt; it did the same thing to Nate. I felt triumphant in my simple ability to be human.
"But you tell me." Pam cleared her throat. "You go out there and you tell me how he is."
I blinked and nodded.
"I will," I said, "I promise."
I hurried out before the waterworks started. Pam needed me. So did Nate and Matt. Why couldn't they admit it?
I packed on Thursday after calling Nate and agreeing to his plan. He did a poor job of concealing his relief. I tried to return his money, but he shut me down. He told me to pack for cool weather. He told me he would give me a lift to the airport.
It wasn't until he picked me up that he told me we'd be traveling together. Asshole.
Our flight boarded forty minutes late.
Nate grinned as I stowed my backpack and gawked. I stretched out my legs.
"Is the legroom to your liking Miss Catalano?"
I blushed.
"I've never flown first class."
"Ah. It really is the only way to fly."
I glared out the pill-shaped window. Yeah, the only way to fly if you can afford it.
I wanted to chatter as we took off and hit waves of turbulence—I'm a nervous flyer—but I'd given Nate the cold shoulder one too many times. He closed his eyes and zoned out as the cabin rattled.
I studied his face.
Again I was struck by his resemblance to Matt. Nate's hair was black, though, and Matt's was the color of sand with brilliant highlights and darker shocks. I remembered the feel of those silky strands sliding through my fingers... while we kissed... while he went down on me.
Fuck.
I was not going to New York to leap into Matt's bed. I was going to New York to try to help him, and then to get on with my life.
When I thought Nate was dead asleep, I pulled out my copy of The Silver Cord.