We made it home and even though Ella’s parents offered to come back to our house with Mattie and me, I felt like it was important for us to be here alone. She’d done beautifully on the ride home, never fussing once, and as soon as we’d walked in the house I’d fed and changed her, then she fell peacefully back asleep.
The PICC line was hidden under her little shirt and unless you knew it was there, she looked like a normal four-week-old baby, well, as far as I could tell. She was the only baby I’d ever really been around. I’d made an appointment for the medical company to come out to the house tomorrow to show us how to hook her meds up to the port in the line, and Dr. Edwards assured me before we left that Ella and I were very capable of handling it.
I heard a car pull up the gravel drive and then listened as the car turned off and the door slammed. Not five seconds later the front door swung open and Ella came marching into the kitchen.
“Hey, Babe. You’re just in time. Dinner’s almost ready.” I said, turning my head over my shoulder to talk to her as I stirred the simmering tomato sauce.
“Dinner?”
“Yes. Dinner. I figured you might appreciate something other than hospital food.”
“Hospital food?”
I turned to her fully, turning the heat on the sauce down to low. “Are you ok? You’re just repeating everything I’m saying.”
“Where’s Mattie?”
“She’s asleep in her crib.”
“Does she need to eat? Does she need a diaper change?” Ella moved to rush up the stairs, but I caught her around the waist before she made it past the kitchen island.
“Ella, she’s fine. Why don’t you take a minute and relax?” Her eyes darted back and forth between mine and I could imagine the thoughts bouncing around in her head. She was torn between trusting me that Mattie was fine and taken care of, sitting down and relaxing for a moment, and rushing right up those stairs to check on her. I would have been fine with either reaction, but I hoped for the former. She exhaled and relented, turning in my arms and placing her hands on my chest. “Hey,” I said, leaning down and brushing my lips across hers.
“Hey to you too.” She let me walk her backwards until she plopped into a kitchen chair. I knelt down in front of her and placed my hands on her thighs.
“Tell me about the trial.”
“It kind of went exactly as I thought it would, although it didn’t last very long at all. I was really surprised when it ended.”
“Are you ok?” She knew what I was asking. She knew I was worried about her having to go through with the testimony without me, having to sit in a room with him, look him in the eye, and walk through her pain again. Her hand came up and brushed down the side of my face gently.
“I am ok.” She sat up a little straighter. “I’m more than ok, actually. I thought it was going to be really hard. I had built it up in my head to be something really draining and emotionally tumultuous. But you know what? It was really, kind of, liberating. He seemed really smug and not at all affected by my testimony, but I sort of enjoyed sitting there and airing his dirty laundry.” She paused for a moment, smiling to herself. “His attorney was the biggest asshole though. I think he knew he didn’t have a good case so he was just trying to make me falter by baiting me.” She shook her head.
Both of our heads turned towards the monitor when we heard Mattie squawking. Ella’s eyes closed as if hearing her baby’s voice could heal any ailment she might have had. She opened her eyes again and looked at me.
“Do you mind if I go up? Can we postpone dinner for a little while?”
“I’m ok with that, as long as I can come up with you.”
She leaned forward and kissed me gently. “Of course you can come up with me.” We walked up the stairs, hand in hand, and found Mattie in her crib, cooing up at the stars dangling from her mobile.
“Hey there, Pretty Girl,” Ella said as she bent down to pick Mattie up. “Mommy missed you today.” I watched as Ella nuzzled into the baby’s neck, taking her time soaking up the baby scent that even I could admit was totally intoxicating. Nothing smelled as good or as calming as baby. A calm came over the room as mother and daughter sat in the corner, in the rocking chair we spent so much time picking out before our baby was even born, imagining moments just like this.
From downstairs we both heard Ella’s phone ping and she looked up at me with pleading eyes. “Would you mind going downstairs to get my phone for me?”
“Of course not.”
When I made my way back upstairs Ella was nursing Mattie with a dreamy smile. She was floating somewhere on a baby high, drunk off her love for her daughter. It was breathtaking to see and filled every tiny empty crevice within me to the brim with love. She held Mattie’s tiny hand in hers and brought it up to her mouth for a kiss, making silly faces at her, asking the baby about her adventurous day, filling in the blanks, not waiting for her to miraculously talk and respond.
“You’ve got a text,” I said to her quietly, not trying to interrupt their moment.
“What does it say?” She whispered to me without taking her eyes off the baby, her voice floating over the darkness of the room like a shimmering light.