o o o
They’d spent the afternoon in bed again, Dave trying to interpret what the slightest touch meant. When Julia turned her back to him, he thought, She feels it, too. Then a second later she asked him to be the big spoon and he wondered what the hell was wrong with him, why he insisted that things weren’t perfect. He pressed himself close and kissed the back of her neck.
The lull fell into place quickly, and what should have felt like lazy love now made Dave restless. “You wanna go grab some food? I realized I’ve been an awful boyfriend and haven’t even taken you out on a date.”
“We’ve been dating for years; we were just missing this part.” She turned over to face him. “I don’t need you to take me on dates. This is great.”
“You’re not hungry?”
“Yeah. Just order some pizza and shove it into my face. We can have saucy, not-beardy sex afterward.”
“You know, one of these days I’m going to get really offended by the beard jokes and you’re going to lose me.”
“That’s why I keep that sexy mathematician around. He’s my backup.”
“I’m sure I’m the backup.” Dave kissed her forehead, then sat up. “Let’s get out of the house. See the world. I feel like my muscles are atrophying.”
“What muscles? I didn’t know you had muscles.”
“Wow, hurtful,” Dave said, poking her stomach.
“Wow, sensitive,” Julia said, burying her face into his stomach and wrapping her arms and legs around him like a vise. “Where was that spark the other day when I wanted to skip school? Now I’m feeling lazy.”
“You’re not gonna let me get out of bed, are you?”
Julia tightened her grip. “I don’t know what you mean.”
He tried to relax into her arms. He ran his hand along her side, then looked around his room. The jacaranda outside his window was swaying. Laundry was overflowing from his hamper. His whiteboard still had the quote from Gretchen’s tattoo on it. He wondered if Julia had noticed it. He remembered seeing it on Gretchen’s neck when they had cuddled, rubbing his finger over it.
He shook away the memory. Was this what it was always like with love? Memories wrapping themselves around acts, no chance of prying them apart? Or was this not normal at all? Was this not how it was supposed to be?
“You’re so antsy,” Julia said. She was still holding him close, but her grip had relaxed a little. She was looking up at him. “I had no idea you were the kind of guy that needed more than cuddling.”
“Even sustenance?”
“You know how many calories there are in cuddling? And vitamins?”
Dave chuckled, his eyes still on the whiteboard. He wanted Julia to keep joking, because when they were laughing everything felt exactly as it should be. But he couldn’t keep the banter going, and soon the silence fell over the two of them. It was an uneasy silence, like a liquid on the verge of boiling.
“Hey. Everything okay?”
“Yeah, fine,” Dave said.
Julia pulled back a little. “Don’t do that. That whole, ‘yeah I’m fine’ thing. I know you too well for that shit.” Her leg fell away from his.
Dave tried to meet her eyes, but when he saw those intense blue irises he was afraid every single one of his thoughts would be on display. He turned to look at the dust particles dancing in the light, trying to follow just one of them. “I don’t know,” Dave said. “I’m restless.”
“Like, you wanna go jogging?”
“Not quite.”
“Wanna play Ultimate Frisbee? Let a bunch of mice loose in the mall and then chase after them?”
“You’re a crazy person,” Dave said, squeezing her forearm. Then he let his head fall back and closed his eyes, as if this doubt were just some dizzy spell that would pass if he gave it a moment or two.
“Come on, don’t get all quiet on me. Something’s on your mind.”
Dave took a deep breath, exhaling slowly with his lips pursed, as if he was trying to whistle. “Gretchen,” he said, not believing he had said it.