Betty, my hospice nurse, she’s a lesbian. Her mom’s words still rang in Cali’s mind.
“She loved people. Loved to know everyone’s business.” Cali grinned even as a wave of grief swelled inside her. She looked out of the office window. The afternoon traffic whizzed by. “I went to her place today. But I couldn’t stay.”
Betty rested her hand on Cali’s. “Have you talked to someone? A counselor, a therapist?”
“No. I had to work.” And I’m running from a murderer.
“Our psychologist is here now and she just had a cancellation. I’m sure she’d see you. You really look as if you could benefit from talking to her.” Betty’s gaze pleaded. “Let me call her.”
Was she ready to know if she was crazy? That was the $50,000 question. Cali took a deep breath and nodded. “Okay.”
~
“Thanks for seeing me.” Cali sat down on the sofa a few minutes later.
Doctor Roberts, a mid-fiftyish, petite woman, smiled and settled in the chair across from her. “No problem.”
Soft classical music played in the background. Cali looked around the room nervously, noticing the pale, soothing colors, and then confessed, “I’ve never talked to a therapist.”
“You’ve never lost your mother before, either.”
Cali looked into the woman’s kind green eyes, eyes that whispered, “trust me.” “It’s hard,” Cali admitted.
“How long has it been?”
“A week.” Cali gazed out the window. The sky had darkened to a deep purple, but streaks of pink painted the horizon. “Every time someone offers me their condolences I almost cry.”
The doc shifted in her seat. “Have you let yourself cry?”
Cali thought about Lowell holding her. “Oh, yes.”
“I mean really cry.”
“You should have seen Lowell’s shirt this morning.” She tried to laugh, but it sounded more like a sob.
“Lowell? Is he your boyfriend?”
She suddenly realized she didn’t know if Lowell was his first name or last. But someone had called him Lowell. She’d cried all over a man and didn’t even know his name. Emotion swelled in her throat. “No. It’s not like that.”
“Not like what?” Dr. Roberts handed her a box of tissues.
Cali set them beside her and drew one out, wrapping it around her fingers like a rope. “I’m not attracted to him.” The lie hung like a dense cloud around her. “Okay, I am attracted to him. Every time he smiles, my stomach does that flip thing.” She pressed her hand to her middle. “I’ve got a lump of grief in my chest and my stomach’s flipping. I shouldn’t be feeling this when I should be thinking about Mom.”
Dr. Roberts tilted her head to one side. “It’s okay to be attracted to someone even when—”
“Okay, so maybe it isn’t wrong.” She snatched another tissue when her vision blurred with tears. “But he’s a dickhead!”
Dr. Roberts smiled and jotted something down on her pad. Cali wondered if the doc wrote down that she’d said “dickhead.”
“I’m sorry. I’m practicing being a bitch. Mom said...”
“Your mom said what?”
The question set Cali’s confession loose. “I’ve been dreaming about my mom. She tells me things.”
“What kind of things?” Dr. Roberts asked in a calm voice.
“Like to leave the apartment because Stan’s trying to break in.”
Confusion puckered the doc’s brow. “Someone broke into your apartment?”
“My boyfriend. My ex-boyfriend.” Cali tightened her hand around the wad of tissue, then added another to her collection.
“And his name is Lowell?” the doctor asked.
“No. Lowell’s trying to catch Stan. He’s a detective.”
“Did Stan do something wrong?” she asked, leaning forward.
Cali nodded. Soft music echoed in the background. Everything she’d been scared to think about suddenly bubbled to the surface.
“He robbed a place and killed someone.” Cali twisted the tissues together and more words spilled from her lips. “Mom told me to wear the pink dress because I was going to help Lowell. And he showed up and asked for help.”
Dr. Roberts tilted her head to the side as if to contemplate. “Who did your boyfriend kill? Or was that just a dream?”
“No. Not a dream.” Cali snatched another tissue, and her tears flowed. “He robbed a store, and gave me a bracelet. Now he wants it back.”
“And he tried to break into your apartment to find the bracelet?”
Cali nodded. “And he tried to shoot me.”
Shock widened Dr. Robert’s eyes. “My God, are you okay?”
Cali nodded and her tears rolled down her face. “But my lamp didn’t survive. And then he took out the other one.” She tried to smile, but couldn’t.