Mr. Imperfect

chapter 23



It was bad enough for a guy to walk through a restaurant when he knew his pants were tenting. It was even more awkward to know that the woman who’d made it her business to get him in that condition was in hot pursuit.

Heaven help him, but Mike wasn’t ready to get a hand job in public on a first date. No thanks.

Mike couldn’t let Sydney follow him into the bathroom. He had to draw the line somewhere. So rather than pushing into the men’s room, he waited until he was around the corner and out of sight of the table before turning and waiting for Sydney. Mike wasn’t sure what he was going to say to her, but whatever might have come out was squashed by what Sydney said the moment she joined him.

“Seriously?” she hissed the second she turned the corner.

“Seriously, what?” Mike asked, honestly confused.

“You’re into her,” Sydney accused.

Mike hadn’t been expecting that and faltered before a moment before turning incredulous. “What? Into who?”

“Really?” Sydney folded her arms over her ample chest. “You’re going to look me in the eye and pretend to think that I’m possibly referring to your sister?”

Okay, she had him there. He’d played too dumb and gotten caught. But even still, his brain hadn’t quite transitioned from what she’d been doing thirty seconds ago to what she was asking him now. It was a bit of a chasm for his mind to cross. And she wasn’t done talking.

“I may not be known for being the sharpest tool in the shed, but I can read a room like a f*cking savant. And that?” she said, stabbing her finger the direction of the table. “That’s too f*cked up for even Hollywood.”

“It’s not that weird.”

“No?” she said, her voice raising as she squared off with him. “Well, excuse me if I’m not used to a guy eye-f*cking another woman while my hands are on him. Or if I find it totally weird that your sister’s date is playing footsie with me under the table while your sister fumes like a jealous wife every time Rori and Luke brush up against each other—which Rori is only doing so you’ll be more into me, by the way. Don’t think I don’t see those competitive glances you two keep sending each other. Just f*ck her already, and let the cards fall where they may.”

“But she’s engaged to my—”

“Such a joke,” she said over him. “And no offense, but your sister’s the worst. Frigid as hell, but still wanting Luke to get jealous? That girl needs to raise her game, like yesterday. Luke is nice and all, but he’s totally clueless. Even for a man.”

“I don’t interfere in my sister’s love life,” was all Mike could think to say, even as his mind raced to process everything Sydney had just said.

“Well, that’s obvious!”

“And what did you mean about Caleb playing footsy?”

“Well, what I mean is that the guy is playing footsy with me under the table, but you’ve been so busy sneaking peeks at Rori while I handle you that you haven’t even noticed.” Her face turned thoughtful. “And he’s not bad, I have to say. He found the doorbell pretty quick, if you know what I mean.”

“What?” Mike said, spinning toward the table in reflex. Sydney grabbed his arm and stopped him.

“Oh, please. No need to defend my honor. It happens all the time.”

Her honor? In truth, that hadn’t even occurred to him. Caleb was on a date with his sister and cheating on her right under the table. That was it! Ruse or no ruse, there was no way Kris was seeing him again. Not a single chance.

“But this does present a dilemma,” Sydney mused as Mike fumed. “You all clearly need help. Maybe even professional help. Who knows? But I’m all you’ve got, so what’s a girl to do?”

Mike was only listening with one ear. “I’m going to kill him.”

“Aw. You make such a cute protective older brother. I always wanted one of those.”

“He’d have his hands full,” Mike said, before thinking better of it. Luckily she laughed.

“I imagine he would, but Mike? Look at me.”

She got his full attention back when she grabbed his chin in one hand and forced him to look at her. “Answer me this: what color are Rori’s eyes?”

“Jasper,” he said without thinking. “That deep green with brown threading through it.”

For a moment Sydney merely stared at him, then she burst into laughter and released him. “Holy shit. Rori is a disgrace to the female sex. A woman who could have you, but chooses instead to f*ck your clueless best friend because he has a bankroll as thick as a telephone book? No offense, but Rori’s life is going to suck, and she deserves it.”

Finally! Someone was taking the thoughts out of his head and saying them for him. “How do I change that?” Mike asked, stepping forward and gripping her shoulders. “What can I do for a chance?”

Sydney’s shoulders gave a lazy shrug. “Hell if I know. Her kind are brainwashed from the day they’re born to uphold certain familial expectations. And from what I hear, she already tried rebelling and got burned for it.” Her eyes glanced back the direction of the table. “Your sister, though. That’s easy. She just needs to get naked and lay down on your friend’s bed. He’ll seal the deal in record time. Promise.”

Mike shut his eyes against the thought. “Lay off on the imagery, okay? I’m still trying to get used to the idea of them. I love Luke and all, but I always pictured my sister with someone more her speed.”

Sydney shrugged again. “Not your call, big bro. Because once those two go Tab A-Slot B on each other, they’re going to be joined at the hips for life. And that’s a Sydney Barnes guarantee.”

Barnes. So that was her last name. Good to know. And a much better thing to focus on than her Tab A-Slot B metaphor.

“I can’t help you when it comes to getting Rori to break rank with her people, but I can take Caleb off your hands.”

Mike flinched. “Wait. Are you saying—”

“I’ll f*ck him,” she said with a shrug, making things about as clear as they could possibly get.

“What?” Mike said. “No way. He’s a total—”

“A*shole?” Sydney offered, completely nonplussed. “Sure he is. It’s God’s cruel trick on women that dicks come attached to a*sholes. But if Caleb’s hands and mouth are half as talented as his feet, then he’s going to be worth the ride. Besides,” she added, scowling at him. “I’ll f*ck whoever I like, thank you very much. And I’d rather an a*shole like him, than an a*shole like you who is going to close his eyes and pretend I’m someone else. That’s just insulting, Mike. Really. Grow a pair and f*ck the woman you want to f*ck, not some proxy.”

Mike was speechless on every account. The only thing he knew for sure? He had grossly underestimated Sydney Barnes when they’d met only a few hours before.

“Caleb is going to get a call to go into work for an emergency,” Sydney said, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. “And when that happens, you’re going to offer to give your sister a ride home. Then you’ll have the brilliant idea of dropping me by the hotel so I can get ready for our night date and you can go back home and get your own car. Kapeesh?”

Mike nodded that he understood. He didn’t get what she was saying, but he understood the directions. Directions were things he’d been following his entire life, it seemed.

“Good. Now listen, because this is the most important part. Are you listening?”

Mike nodded, not even questioning her authority for the moment.

“Once you get home, Mike, you’re going to gather what you need and make yourself scarce. You’re going to leave and not go back home until tomorrow morning, got that? You’re not going to answer your phone or even a text. You’re just going to get lost so that there is plenty of room for your sister and your friend to get tangled up without fear of interruption. Got it?”

No. That image was one his mind still refused to compute.

“Mike,” she snapped, her tone losing what little patience it had. “Do you want a shot with Rori?”

He took a deep breath, feeling like he was betraying Luke just by saying the word, “Yes.”

“Then go home and get lost. Twenty-four hours. Then your friend will f*ck your sister instead of Rori, and this twisted dynamic you all have got going for you will have a shot at correcting itself. That’s all the help I can offer you.” Her hands came up then, and adjusted her cleavage. “Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to go see if I can get your sister’s ‘boyfriend’ to blow his load under the table without your sister even blinking an eye.” She gave her breasts a light pat, letting them bounce for him. “Think about it, Mike, these beauts could have been yours tonight.”

He eyed them, part of him wanting to reach out for the goodbye caress he knew she would allow him, while another part felt relieved that Sydney was taking them off the table.

“But you’d rather have a very specific pair of B-cups in your paws, wouldn’t you?” she said with a touch of confusion pursing her lips. “I can see it in your eyes. Hmm. That’s a new one.”

“I don’t pretend to understand it myself,” Mike said honestly.

“Yeah. Well, good luck with that, I guess.”

“Thanks.”

She stuck her hand out for a platonic shake. “Well, Mike. It was f*cked up meeting you, but at least one of us is going to get laid out of the deal.”

Mike couldn’t help it. He laughed as he clasped her hand in his. “And Sydney, I’m pretty sure I’ll remember you until the day I die.”

She gave his hand a solid shake to match the authoritative tone in her voice. “I’m going to friend you on Facebook, and you’d better accept me. Because you better bet that I’m going to cyber stalk you to see how this shit storm plays out. You owe me that much.”

“And more,” he said.

“Damn straight,” she said, releasing his hand and heading back to the table without a backwards glance.