He wrapped his arms around me and held me close, but I immediately felt uncomfortable. What an odd thing for him to say. A sentiment I spent a lot of my time thinking, but never one that I expected him to return. While I found myself thinking of him often, I knew there was no reason for me to ever cross his mind.
He could sense how rigid I became in his embrace and released it quickly, pulling one half of his mouth up into a quirky grin while glancing down at the floor. “I’m sorry. That was weird of me to say. It’s just…”
A ding above us interrupted his apology as the captain came over the speakers to tell us that the problem had been fixed and we would be cleared for takeoff shortly. Once the plane started moving, I would be unable to go to the bathroom until after we were in the air a good ways. I couldn’t wait that long.
Unbuckling, I stood to make my way to the lavatory. “Sorry, I’ll be right back. I’ve got to go before the plane takes off.”
He nodded and I made my exit, taking a deep breath for the first time since I’d heard his voice. I couldn’t imagine what he would say, but I was sure I didn’t want to hear it. Any re-hashing of memories would only make me ache, and I’d just set my mind to being much more positive only an hour ago.
His words of goodbye the last time I saw him, while kinder, were more hurtful to me than anything Brian could ever say. I cared about Jep that much more.
After relieving myself, I dreadfully made my way back to my seat. The nearness of him made everything inside me hum. When we’d been together, my body hummed much the same way but it was with excitement, anticipation, love; now, the humming was different, caused by palpable tension and unsaid words. It wasn’t angry tension by any means, but the tension that is always shared by two people who have a shared history and un-shared feelings.
As soon as I sat down, the plane moved and, for the duration of the takeoff, both of us remained silent. After we were in the air and the atmosphere in the cabin changed back to one where people visited quietly, while others slept or read, I could see Jep’s hands start to twitch nervously. I knew he was about to say something.
I closed my eyes to try the tactic I’d thought of earlier but, as anticipated, it didn’t work.
Finally gathering his nerves, Jep reached out to squeeze my hand gently before pulling it away as my eyes opened.
“I know you’re not asleep. Can I ask you something?”
I didn’t respond immediately, instead trying to weigh the chances of him actually refraining from asking the question if I told him no. The chances weren’t very good. “Um…sure.” I said it slowly, on purpose. I wanted him to know that I was reluctant to chat.
“Where did you go?”
“What?”
He shifted in his seat so that he faced me. “After the wedding? Where did you go?”
It seemed rude to stare straight ahead while he studied me so intensely, so I matched his stare. “I didn’t go anywhere. Brian and I stayed in Austin. I got a job as a teacher’s aide at a local elementary school. Why do you ask?”
He looked down again. I’d never seen him so hesitant about anything. He was usually over-confident, even leaning on the side of cocky. “That’s not what I meant, but I’m surprised to know that you didn’t leave Austin, and we’ve never bumped into each other. I don’t see a ring on your finger. Are you and Brian? Are you still?”
I was tired, cranky and, if he insisted on talking, I wished he would just say whatever it was he meant to. “No, we’re not. Look, I don’t want to be rude, but I’m exhausted and, even once we land, I have a several hours car drive ahead of me. Just spit out whatever it is you’re talking about. What do you mean, that’s not what you meant?”
His eyes swept downward, and it did nothing to help me sympathize with him. “I mean, I didn’t hear from you anymore after my wedding.”
I was older, both in age and in life experience since my time with Jep, and I wouldn’t allow him to make me feel guilty over something that was his fault ever again. “What?” I spoke loudly enough to garner attention from people around us so I lowered my voice and leaned in slightly closer to him. “Did you honestly expect to? You married her! I know we’d been broken up a while, but we talked every day, all the time, and you got engaged and married, all without telling me! Surely, after all of the years we’ve known each other, you knew I wasn’t going to call and text a married man?”
He looked up from the floor and locked eyes with me. “I did know, and I couldn’t stand the thought of not talking to you. That’s why I didn’t tell you until after the fact.”
“It was a selfish thing to do. And don’t tell me that you couldn’t stand the thought of not talking to me. The things you said to me after your wedding were meant to guarantee that you would never hear from me ever again.” I stopped speaking before my voice could crack. Thinking back on the night I learned he’d married was enough to take all the breath out of me.