Meant-To-Be Mother

chapter SEVEN


AS RUFUS took Siena through bright, cheerful downtown Cairns, she strove to remind herself why she hated this place so much.

They drove alongside the boardwalk, past market stalls, happy shiny people in bikini tops, short shorts and flip-flops, and the massive created lagoon perched amidst parklands on the water’s edge. Sleek tanned tourists lolled about on brightly coloured towels while young families splashed about in the shallows. Eye-catching restaurants and cafés and shops lined the beachside road.

The place had really changed in seven years. And so, she was beginning to realise, had she.

She wasn’t the rebellious, confused, angry teenager she had once been. She had forged a great life for herself, a wonderful career, friends the world over, yet something was missing. Her wanderlust had taken her this far, but now her feet didn’t feel itchy any more; they merely felt weary.

When they neared a familiar T-junction on the outskirts of Cairns, Siena called out, ‘Rufus.’

‘Change of plan, Ms Capuletti?’

The guy was a mind-reader! ‘Actually, yes. I need you to do me a favour. I need to go shopping.’

A half-hour later, they pulled up outside Fourteen Apple Tree Drive. The large oak tree in the front garden now had a big hole in the side where Rick’s car had crashed up against it. Tyre tracks had made a mess of the perfect green lawn. And her rose bush had been cleared away.

‘Did you have something against that tree, Ms Capuletti?’ Rufus asked.

‘I wouldn’t be surprised if you knew the number of times I fell from it as a kid, Rufus.’

He smiled at her and she thought it best not to test him on it.

‘Thanks, Rufus, you’ve been very patient with me.’

‘It has been my pleasure. I’ll see you again tomorrow, Ms Capuletti.’

She tried to tip him but he refused, merely wishing her good luck with a tip of his cap and driving away.

So she was left standing on the suburban pavement of her old home—James’s home—in her Dolce suit, make-up glamorous enough to outdo any movie star, and her heart on her sleeve.

She wheeled the brand-new BMX bike she had just bought up the driveway, eyes focused on nothing but the front door, until she found herself rapping on carved wood with an antique lion’s head knocker that she had bought her father for his sixtieth birthday.

Voices on the other side of the door came closer until the door was opened. Matt, of the long grey ponytail stood staring at her.

‘Well, if it isn’t Siena Capuletti, sister of Rick Capuletti, defensive driver and one time inhabitant of this house.’

‘Matt,’ she said, her voice overly breathy. ‘Hi. Is … is James about?’

As if he had come to the whisper of his name, James backed around the far kitchen doorway, a tea-towel over his shoulder, in old jeans, a fitted blue polo shirt, endearingly torn at the collar, and bare feet, talking to someone he had left behind in the kitchen.

‘James, you have another visitor,’ Matt called out before fading into the next room.

James turned, saw her and stopped talking. His eyelids flickered, his mouth twitched, then all of a sudden, as though someone had flipped a switch on inside him, his whole face lit up.

He didn’t even try to hide the fact that he had feelings for her. She had feelings right back. And that was all it took for her to know that she wasn’t feeling torn up for nothing.

‘Siena, hi,’ James said, coming to her.

‘Hi,’ she said, feeling terribly small in the large open doorway. She shuffled from foot to foot. ‘I have a present for Kane.’ She motioned to the bike so obviously positioned by her legs.

His grey gaze trailed slowly to the bike via her red high heels, fancy suit and glamour make-up and she suddenly felt ridiculous. And the bike was so obviously only a ploy to get her to his side that it felt more like an albatross at her feet.

But when his gaze locked back on to her eyes, all feelings of ridiculousness just slipped away. The smile in his eyes was real. Utterly lovely. And important.

His hand rested against his heart. ‘You look … amazing.’ He reached out to take her by the tips of her fingers so he could look her over again. Then his smile slipped ever so slightly as he asked, ‘Your interview—you’ve been?’

She nodded, her mouth dry as she found herself melting under his tender gaze. It had been so very long since she had known tenderness, if ever. The true warmth of a human touch, being looked upon as if she was something precious; it really was addictive.

‘I know Kane is at school still, but I thought I should drop this off while I had the means to do so. The limo Max sent for me was huge. It seemed a waste not to take advantage.’

‘You shouldn’t have,’ he said.

‘Yeah. I should,’ she returned and she wondered if they were both talking about something other than the bike.

‘Right. Then come in. Please.’ He took the bike and leant it against the wall in the entranceway, and then he took a grip on her hand, tugging at her. Siena felt his thick calluses rubbing against her soft palm and she had to suppress a shiver.

She heard a woman’s laugh ring out from the kitchen and hesitated.

‘No, really it’s okay,’ she said. ‘I shouldn’t have come without calling. I don’t know what I was thinking.’

Well, she had been thinking of him, and he would have to be as thick as a plank not to know it. And James was anything but thick. The moment he had seen her he’d known; he was just too much of a gentleman to gloat.

‘Rubbish, and it doesn’t matter,’ James said to both of her statements, and he stepped through the doorway to join her outside so that they were within inches of one another beneath the trellis.

Siena was suddenly reminded of her first kiss with … what was his name? Some boy she had dragged home for just that reason in the hope that Rick would find her and blow his top so that she could triumph like a right little teenager. She and what’s-his-name had kissed. It had been all too brief and nicer than she had expected; Rick had been none the wiser and she had spent the next month catching a different bus home from school to avoid the poor guy.

She’d never been good at commitment, even then.

‘Siena.’ James’s deep voice washed over her and she gazed up into his heavenly grey eyes. ‘There is plenty of food and they are old friends whom I would love you to meet, so please come in. Join us.’

He twirled her hand until it hooked into his elbow, a place it was fast becoming used to, and he drew her inside.

She slipped off her shoes outside as though she had done it a hundred times before and, suddenly feeling small and delicate next to his strong, towering form, she followed where he led.

When the door shut behind her, the voices in the kitchen stopped and two unfamiliar faces popped around the corner of the kitchen wall.

‘Dave, Cate, this is Siena.’

Cate’s eyes glinted. ‘Aah. Kane’s princess in shining armour.’ ‘Who?’ Dave whispered.

‘The one with the green car and the green eyes, who cleaned up his scrape,’ Cate said through her teeth while coming forward and holding out her hand.

James released Siena from his secure grip and she found herself swept up in the tide as Cate drew her outside to where the gang had a barbecue heating up.

During the afternoon Siena allowed herself to see what it might feel like to be a part of James’s world, a world of car-pooling, soccer fixtures, school PTA meetings and even dreaded piano lessons.

Considering her PDA was filled with the names of dry cleaners, pedicurists and cab companies around the world, she found herself floundering to join in. But then she would catch James looking at her with an affectionate smile lingering deep within his eyes, or he would lean across her as an excuse to rub his arm against hers, and the suburban world beneath her feet would solidify once more.

As the afternoon heated up, Siena had ditched her jacket in favour of her cream lace camisole and skirt. While Dave and Matt fought over the barbecue tongs, and Cate sat on the edge of the pool dangling her feet into the cool depths, she and James found themselves alone at the long wooden outdoor table, cool in the shade of the pergola.

She took a long drag of a Corona, relishing the lick of lemon at the end of each sip.

‘Beer never tastes better than when it is drunk on a hot summer’s day in the tropics,’ James said, mirroring her thoughts exactly.

‘Who are they?’ she asked, watching as Cate flicked pool water over her husband’s bare legs.

‘Old friends. From when we were kids. I haven’t seen them in months. Entirely my fault. I’m just lucky that they were stubborn enough to come a-knocking after all this time. It seems this weekend is a lucky one for me all around.’

Siena took a deep breath through her nose and slowly, slowly eked the bubbles of beer down her tight throat.

‘So tell me about your interview,’ James said, saving her from commenting. He straddled the bench seat so that he was facing her, and she felt the whole world fade away until there was no one else of import bar her and him.

Images of Max and his white satin trousers and ridiculous house swam to the fore, but she knew that wasn’t what he wanted to know. Heck, he’d probably been there more times than she had.

So she bit the bullet and answered the question he was really asking.

‘He offered me Rome,’ she said.

James felt as though his legs had been kicked out from under him and if he hadn’t been sitting he would have been in trouble. So much for this being his lucky weekend.

‘Rome, eh?’

Siena nodded, biting at her inner lip in that way that gave him ideas.

The words don’t go! fought to escape from behind his clenched teeth. But that wasn’t his place. He barely knew her. She barely knew him. What right did he have to tell her what to do? Or even to ask her? Especially when she had that stubborn look in her eye that told him that if anybody told her what to do she would be out of there as fast as the words left his mouth.

‘That’s what you wanted, right?’ he asked, amazed he could even say the words.

She blinked, her brow furrowing. ‘It was. It is. But still I asked him to give me time to think on it. He gave me twenty-four hours. So, by this time tomorrow, my fate will be sealed one way or the other.’

And like that, the pieces of the puzzle fell into place. She had come straight from the interview to him. Not to the mechanic shop. Not to Rick’s house. And not to the airport.

This time she had come to him.

Suddenly this wasn’t all conjecture any more. This wasn’t a slow awakening by a beautiful woman who made him feel again. This had nothing to with any steps he had to take, twelve or otherwise.

Something big was happening between them. Both of them. Something unexpected and life-changing.

‘Dude,’ Matt called out, walking to James with the phone in his hand. James hadn’t even heard it ring. He was used to being so attuned to it just in case it was Kane or—

‘It’s the school. Kane needs you.’

James was on his feet and running before Matt had finished talking. At the kitchen door he turned to Dave and Cate. ‘Stay if you like. Have a swim. Eat. The school’s not far. We’ll be home soon.’

Dave and Cate waved him away. ‘No, mate,’ Dave said. ‘It’s time we left too.’

He shifted his gaze to find Siena sitting primly on the corner of his old outdoor bench, looking so beautiful, so elegant, so worried, and so real. Despite all the ‘what ifs’ rocketing through his mind, he wasn’t finished with her yet.

‘Come,’ he said, holding out a hand.

And his heart clenched in his chest at the light that shone in her eyes at his simple request.

When she stood and came to him he knew that he had no choice. By the end of that day he would be asking her to stay.

James drove to Kane’s school and, though he kept to the speed limit the whole way, Siena still felt tension behind every gear change.

He looked across at her every moment that he could, and the smile in his eyes made her melt, but the moment he looked ahead his attention was focused on getting to Kane, and it made Siena wish she hadn’t come along for the ride.

His first priority would always be his son and every minute she sat in the car only rubbed it in deeper.

They pulled up in front of the school and James even held the door open for her, taking her hand in his as he loped up the school steps. He moved slowly enough for her to keep up in her pencil skirt and high heels, but he jogged all the same.

Siena passed classrooms filled with kids at multicoloured desks positioned not in alphabetical rows as she had known but in circles, or with no desks at all as kids sat with their teachers on the floor. Again she felt the winds of change that had swept through the place since she’d left.

A woman about James’s age, wearing a neat navy suit, with her long blonde hair pulled into a tight high ponytail, met them in the empty hall. James’s hand slipped out of Siena’s as he rushed to the blonde’s side.

‘James, I’m so sorry to have called you, especially with the school day almost over,’ she said, laying a hand on James’s upper arm.

Siena felt overwhelmingly proprietorial. Nothing that belonged to her gave her such a sense of ownership. Heck, her foreign sky girl friends who crashed at her apartment in Melbourne spent more nights in her bed than she did.

‘Don’t sweat it, Mandy. Really,’ James said. ‘You know the deal. If he needs me I’ll be here. No matter what.’

Naturally Mandy chose that moment to notice Siena standing there looking like a wallflower at a school dance. She felt herself blushing as it slowly dawned on the teacher’s pretty face that she had been James’s ‘no matter what'.

‘Hi. I’m Siena. A friend of the family,’ Siena said when James didn’t.

She held out her hand and Mandy had to let go of James to take it. Siena had to fight back a victorious smile.

‘Nice to meet you, Siena. Kane mentioned you in show and tell today.’

‘Oh, my. What did he show?’ she asked.

‘His scar,’ Mandy said, pinning Siena with that scary teacher stare they learned at university. ‘Pretty impressive. Now, shall I take you to him?’

Mandy looked from James to Siena and back again.

‘Go,’ Siena said before James could tear himself apart any more. ‘I’ll be fine out here.’

She found a row of bright orange plastic chairs against the wall and sat down to wait.

‘Thanks, Siena,’ he said. ‘We won’t be long.’

He turned and walked into the small room with Mandy, their heads bent together as they went to help his son.

Siena spent several minutes in the too small chair, listening to James’s deep voice murmuring through the open door. He spoke to his son, consoled him, and eventually joked with him, no doubt making Kane feel as though no matter what his world was secure.

She’d never felt so secure as a kid. She’d felt as if every day someone important in her life would leave her, as her mother had. And the day her father had died had only proved it to her. And both times it had been all her fault.

There was no way she wanted to bring that sort of negative energy to James and Kane. Imagine if she stayed, and in turn Kane turned out like her. Climbing out his bedroom window to meet his friends after curfew. Backchatting. One day leaving James and threatening never to return—

‘It wasn’t only Kane who mentioned you to me today.’

Siena turned to find Mandy leaning against the doorjamb. ‘Oh?’ Siena said.

‘Matt did too.’

‘You know Matt?’ How well integrated in James and Kane’s life was this woman?

Mandy sidled over and sat next to Siena, crossing her legs neatly at the ankle. She smelled of chalk dust and juice. Compared with her delicate prettiness, Siena felt dark and dangerous to know. She felt the way she had felt at school around the happy-go-lucky kids with two parents and not a care in the world. She felt different. An outsider. Bad.

‘I was the one who put James on to Matt,’ Mandy said, ‘and vice versa. I’m pretty proud of my matchmaking skills. They were made for each other.’

Siena noticed Mandy had blushed as she said Matt’s name, her skin going pale and pink all at once.

‘Are you and Matt … an item?’ she asked, hoping her relief was not as obvious as it sounded to her ears.

‘We have our moments,’ Mandy said, her eyes going faraway and puppy dog soft for a few moments before she shook herself back to reality. ‘Though I’m rather afraid I have more moments than he does.’

Well, there you go, Siena thought, shifting higher on her seat.

‘So I take it you’ve become rather friendly with James over the past couple of days,’ Mandy said, her ingenuous gaze shifting back to Siena.

‘Considering how we met, he’s been terribly kind to me,’ Siena said, hedging her bets.

‘I don’t doubt it. He’s a gentleman, which is why we in the community have all invested a lot of time in him and Kane. We are all as hopeful that they pull through with flying colours as they are. There is just so much potential in them both. Kane is such a good kid. Loyal. Polite. Smart as a tack. And then there’s James …’

Mandy gave a small sigh and Siena again found herself wanting to claw the woman’s pretty blue eyes out of her head.

‘James really is the catch of the PTA,’ Mandy continued. ‘Half the single mums are madly in love with him and the other half want to take him home and feed him. Only he has no idea.’

Siena nodded along politely. But she had no intention of taking James home to feed him. Her idea of a home-cooked meal was a cab fare and a menu. How did a woman turn out that way? With not a nurturing bone in her body, and with no lifelong dream to marry, no desire to have kids, no wish to fall in love?

But, if she was all that, what was she doing mooning after James Dillon like it seemed the entire generation of single women who had come into his sphere did?

Either way, she had no intention of declaring James taken. And she had no intention of declaring herself immune. So she did her ‘welcome aboard’ smile, the one she had perfected to cope with exhausting overtime runs, and left Mandy to fill the silence if she so desired.

‘Siena?’

Siena turned to find James, stormy-faced, with Kane skulking red-eyed behind him, and she was darned glad she had kept her mouth shut.

‘It’s time to go,’ James said.

‘Rightio.’ Siena stood. ‘Hey Kane-o. How’re you going?’

Kane merely blinked at her as though he had never seen her before and slid further behind James’s leg.

Good one, Siena. Kane-o feels awful. He didn’t need to say a word for her to see he wasn’t happy. And he sure had no reason to tell her about it. Who was she to him?

To Kane-o she was probably just some other fun grownup who would swim in and out of his life with as much momentary niceness as a cute young girl who gave him a wink at the checkout at the supermarket. And she had gone and bought him a new bike like some kindly friend. Idiot!

She wiped her overly hot hands down the sides of her skirt.

‘So we’re off?’ she asked, backing away towards the front door. Suddenly she so wanted to be off. Off and away. Far away.

It was suddenly so obvious. Her flight through life was meant to be a solo one with shifting rosters and impermanent friends. She had proved that by being poison to her own family. She had proved that by flourishing in a job that left no room for anyone stable in her life. And, right at that moment, she felt it in every itching nerve-ending, in every suffocating thought, and in every instinctive urge to run and keep on running.

‘Yeah, it’s time to go. See you, Mandy,’ James said, leaning in to kiss her on the cheek. Though he kept his eyes on Siena the whole time, his brow furrowing as she twitched and switched feet and bit at her inner lip. ‘Thanks for calling.’

‘No worries.’ Mandy got down on to her haunches so that she was on eye level with Kane, her slim arms resting neatly atop her knees. ‘Feeling better now, kiddo?’

Kane nodded and gave a great dramatic sniffle.

‘Well, you take care this weekend as Monday is project day and you don’t want to miss that, do you?’

Kane thought about it for a second before nodding just once. Smart kid was keeping his options open too. Ha! It seemed the kid had some pretty strong similarities to her too if she went looking for them. But, unlike James, she had no reason to go looking for them. No reason at all.

She was a fly-by-the-seat-of-her-pants gal. She’d winged it her whole adult life, living day by day on ambition and gut instinct. Attachments were for those who had others in their life who needed to be considered in the mix. And she had nobody.

James rubbed a hand over Kane’s head and joined Siena. There was no holding hands this time and she wasn’t sure if he was reading her signals or if, after his time with Kane, he was sending her some pretty strong ones of his own.