Maybe This Time

chapter TWELVE



EMMA WOKE AND glanced at the clock on her bedside table. Ten o’clock. Billy. Why hadn’t Darcy woken her up to feed him? She sniffed the air and could smell a faint odor of smoke from last night’s fire.

She savored these few seconds with no baby crying, no alarm clock warning her to get to work. Her breasts felt full. Her milk was finally coming in strong. The antibiotics had worked their magic and she was feeling almost normal.

She and Darcy had made love. Was that the icing on the cake—or the one wrong thing she should have been smart enough to say no to?

In the middle of the night she hadn’t been thinking enough to be either smart or stupid. She’d gone from the dream state to losing herself in mindless pleasure. She’d hoped Darcy would come back to bed after he’d looked at the fire but she’d woken up alone. Had he only come to her for a quick screw? Had he had second thoughts about what they’d done?

They’d shared some good moments through the day—the Macarena, the decorating discussion. But a bit of laughter and banter and hot sex couldn’t make up for eighteen months of estrangement.

They needed to talk in depth, but how could that happen if the goodwill wasn’t there? Every attempt at talking before their divorce had deteriorated into arguments that left her feeling emotionally bruised. Not because Darcy was trying to hurt her, but because she hated seeing the man she loved, the home and family she’d worked for, slipping away from her.

Holly and Darcy had been part of her. When they were gone, she was no longer whole. Billy was supposed to fill that gap. It was too much pressure on one little boy. Her expectations had been totally unrealistic. Could that be why she was having trouble bonding with him? Poor little guy, being expected to solve her problems when all he wanted was to be loved for himself.

Things had changed, though. When she’d had the nightmare on the cruise, Darcy hadn’t wanted to know. Last night he’d put his arms around her and made her feel safe, for once not retreating to that dark place he went to. Had caring for Billy without her hovering over him made that big a difference to his attitude? But if things were so great, why hadn’t he come back to bed?

She got up and put on a robe then brushed her hair and swished her mouth out with water from the glass beside the bed. She felt a little shy about seeing Darcy this morning but if they kissed she’d rather not bowl him over with jungle mouth.

She stopped dead, her hand on the doorknob. Where did these expectations come from? Last night was likely just another one-off. She’d been aroused from her dream; Darcy had been...well, he’d been a guy, ready to go anytime.

Did she even want things to progress? She’d learned how to survive on her own, achieved contentment if not happiness. Falling for Darcy again would stir up too many feelings she would rather bury. No, last night had been a mistake. She’d been vulnerable and needy. She wasn’t going to compound that by doing anything so stupid as kissing him good morning.

Billy wasn’t in his bassinet. Darcy wasn’t in the kitchen. Where were they? From the window she could see the blackened shell of the restaurant up the street. Yellow tape cordoned off the area, leaving a narrow path along the sidewalk for people to pass by. A police car was parked out front, along with a red fire van.

Had Darcy gone down to the pub already? Her breasts were aching now, they were so full. She turned away from the window and noticed the can of baby formula powder on the counter and an empty bottle. He must have fed Billy in the night. Okay. That was nice. She guessed. The extra sleep helped her get better, although she needed to nurse regularly to keep her milk coming in. Darcy knew that. She’d found her baby books lying around, books she hadn’t read in months.

A faint snore was coming from the living room. She quietly pushed open the door. Darcy was stretched out on the couch. Billy lay in the crook of his arm with his head on his daddy’s chest. The two dark heads, the chins with the dimple, even the whorls in their ears looked alike. Her heart melted. How sweet was that?

Darcy opened his eyes and stirred. “What time is it?”

“After ten. Thanks for feeding him in the night and letting me sleep. He’ll be awake soon, and starving.”

Darcy carefully sat up, adjusting Billy in his arms. “I gave him a second bottle at six.”

Emma frowned. “Why would you do that? You know I need to stimulate my milk production.”

“I thought I was doing you a favor.”

Doing her a favor? Or taking over?

She shook her head. That was crazy. But her warm fuzzy feelings evaporated. With Holly she’d been the center of the family, the glue that bound the three of them together. Now she felt almost...superfluous. It was understandable that he hadn’t consulted her while she was ill but now that she was better, well, she was still Billy’s mother.

“What time did you want to see your parents?”

“Could you be ready to go in an hour?” He paused. “About last night. It was awesome but I shouldn’t have taken advantage.”

He was apologizing for making love to her? He must think it had been a mistake, too.

“As I recall I was a willing participant,” she said, stiffly. “However, I think we should stick to what we said on the cruise. Sleeping together doesn’t mean we’re getting involved or have any emotional commitment.”

“I agree,” Darcy said. “It’s no good for Billy if we’re alternately fighting and loving. And I don’t want either of us to be hurt again. I’m sure you don’t, either. The reasons we got divorced haven’t gone away.”

Sadly, that was true. “So, no more sex.”

“Right. No more sex.” Darcy hesitated. “I’ll go have a shower.” He handed Billy to her and she could smell their lovemaking on his body and feel the warmth of his skin as his arm brushed hers.

No more sex. No more closeness. It was for the best, the smart thing to do, the brave thing. They both agreed. So why did it hurt so much?

Suddenly she wished she was in her own apartment where there were no temptations and where she could retreat from the emotions Darcy invariably stirred up. A few more days and she should be well enough to leave.

Emma nursed Billy while she waited for her turn in the shower. Her nipples were still sore but not as bad as before. She had to admit, the rest from breast-feeding had aided their healing.

With Billy settled on her breast she took the opportunity to call her sister. “Hey, how are you doing?”

“Great,” Alana said. “I got the sixth class Brett promised.”

“And Dave?”

“We’re not speaking.”

“It might be time to pull that ticket to Tahiti out of the hat. I’ll look after Tessa.”

“Thanks, but I doubt he’ll want to go anywhere with me.” She paused. “How’s things with you?”

“Oh, mostly good. I’m recovering, that’s the main thing.” Now wasn’t the time to go into her complicated ups and downs with Darcy. “I wanted to ask you a favor. Could you help me clean up my apartment? I want to move back as soon as possible.”

“Sure, but are you well enough for that?”

“I will be by Friday.”

“Okay, I’ll meet you there at our usual time.”

Emma heard the shower shut off. “I’ve got to go. We’re going over to Darcy’s parents’ house this morning.”

“Right back into the fold, I see.”

“No, it’s not like that. Catch you later.”

She’d missed the Lewises but it was awkward enough being around Darcy in the aftermath of their night together without running the gauntlet of Marge’s eagle eye watching to see how they were getting along. With any luck, though, all the attention would be focused on Billy.

And she would hang on to what Darcy had said the other day—they were friends. The lust could be confusing, but the single constant strength between them had always been friendship. That was one thing she didn’t ever want to lose.

* * *

DARCY WATCHED EMMA strap Billy into the car seat. The baby was blowing bubbles and batting at the dangling plastic keys, but she didn’t seem to notice. She never played with Billy, even now that she was feeling better. It made him sad that she was so detached from her son. She’d been such a loving mum to Holly, but she seemed to get no pleasure from Billy.

Their conversation this morning had been surreal. And probably not very honest. They both loved the sex, and it was going to be interesting to see how successful they were at abstaining. He wasn’t quite sure what had gone wrong between making love during the night and this morning. She’d been annoyed with him, but why? Surely not because he’d given Billy an extra bottle.

“Are we good?” he asked.

She straightened. “Of course. Why wouldn’t we be?”

Lots of reasons, but he decided to stick with the simplest. “This morning something was bothering you. I’d like to know what it was.”

She picked up the diaper bag in one hand and the car seat in the other. “We’re going to be late. We don’t have time for an argument.”

“An argument? So it’s that bad?” Darcy took Billy’s car seat from her. He wasn’t good at talking about his feelings, and he couldn’t always intuit hers. In the old days he would have brushed off a minor disagreement, but everything had changed. He was no longer sure of her. Plus they were going to his parents’ place and his dad was sick. Under the circumstances he’d rather they weren’t at odds while around his family. “Just tell me what’s wrong in twenty-five words or less.”

She sighed. “I’m trying to get my milk back. I really wanted to nurse Billy.”

“I thought I was doing you a favor,” he said, repeating his earlier rationale. “And I want to participate in Billy’s care. If you breast-feed him exclusively, that lets me out.”

“Not if I pump some milk for the bottle. But I need to know in advance. We should have discussed it. I felt like you giving him formula was undermining me.”

“The way you used to undermine my efforts to care for Holly?”

She jerked back. “What?”

Hell. He hadn’t meant to say that. Holly was in the past, and he never wanted to go there again. But the words had slipped out, and with a surprising amount of anger. Darcy struggled to get his emotions under control. If he wanted to spend time with Billy in the future, he needed to keep Emma onside. Which meant avoiding speaking about Holly’s death, the topic that stored all their pain and which they couldn’t seem to come together on, no matter how they tried.

“I didn’t mean to undermine you,” he said. “I was letting you sleep.” And bonding with my son. “You’re still recovering.”

“No, I mean what was that about me undermining you with Holly? You think it’s my fault you never spent time with her?” She circled him, eyes wide and disbelieving. “You think I came between you and caring for your child? I stopped you from changing diapers and getting her lunch?”

“You always got to her first.”

“You didn’t see when she needed something. You weren’t tuned in to her like I was.”

“You could have asked me.”

“One of the few times I did, you dropped her on her head.”

“Thanks for throwing that in my face. As if I would ever forget that incident. Have you never made a mistake with the babies?”

Instead of answering that, she threw her hands in the air. “Anyway, you were always at the damned pub.”

“I was trying to make a living, to pay for your extravagances.”

“What, like food and clothing?”

“Expensive furniture.” He flung out a hand at the Italian leather couch and handmade side tables, the walls full of framed paintings. “Original artwork.”

“I had to fill my life with something of value.”

He shook his head. Why was he getting so hot under the collar about not being asked to change a diaper? Especially when he’d screwed up so badly that one time. Maybe he should have tried harder with Holly, but he’d been intimidated by Emma’s expertise.

And why was Emma so angry about a simple bottle feeding? It was almost as though she was picking a fight because she was afraid of what she might feel for him after last night.

“Let’s not argue about this,” he said. “Holly’s gone. We can’t bring her back.”

“That’s right. Whenever the subject turns to Holly you retreat. If only—” With a choking sound, Emma turned away from him.

Darcy didn’t have to ask what she meant by if only. He knew all too well. If only he hadn’t chosen football over a picnic with her and Holly. If only he’d stopped Kyle from taking his keys and getting in his vehicle. Well, he was sick of it. If only Emma had watched Holly more closely.

“We need to get going or we’ll miss my dad.” He picked up the car seat and started down the stairs.

“I’ll be out of your hair soon,” Emma said, coming after him. “On Friday, Alana and I are going to clean my apartment so I can move in over the weekend.”

He stopped short. “You want to be back in your own space that badly?”

“I think it’s best, don’t you?”

It was no consolation that Emma looked as unhappy as he felt. Despite their bickering he was going to miss her when she was gone. He would also miss Billy.

And it was no surprise really, that they were picking fights with each other, trying to manufacture distance in lieu of coming closer. If she was anything like him, making love last night had been so heartbreakingly wonderful it was terrifying. How was it they could share something so magical and yet not be able to resolve their problems?

* * *

“WHO’S A PRECIOUS BABY? Did you see that?” Marge glanced at Roy and their children and grandchildren gathered around her in the living room. “He smiled at me.”

One of Darcy’s nieces, nine-year-old Dani, tickled Billy’s chin with a stuffed horse. Billy chortled and kicked his legs.

Emma sat on a hard-backed chair at the edge of the circle. Darcy’s two brothers and their kids were there as well as his sister with her kids. Roy leaned back in his recliner with a blanket over him, wanly delighted with the new addition to the Lewis family.

Darcy’s nine nieces and nephews ranged in age from two to fifteen. The little ones played with toys on the floor, the older two monitored their phones and the middle girl cousins, Dani and ten-year-old Lisa, hovered over Billy, clamoring to hold him next. The noise level was typical of the Lewis family gatherings with everyone talking at once.

Emma hadn’t expected everyone to be there, but clearly the occasion was a big deal, evidenced by the buffet lunch laid out on the dining table. She used to love that the Lewises were a close-knit family but now she felt under the microscope.

Darcy was the man of the hour as the new father. Seeing him now, she never would have guessed he was the same guy who used to disappear to the pub twelve hours out of every day. Was he right? Had she pushed him away from caring for their daughter because he’d let her fall on her head? Maybe she’d overreacted—Holly hadn’t been hurt after all—but it easily could have been worse. Still, how else did parents learn except by doing? He’d managed okay with Billy.

Marge was in grandmother heaven. Emma felt horribly guilty that she hadn’t found a few spare moments before now to let her see Billy. After the tragedy of Holly everyone deserved to share in the joy of a new baby.

Courtney, Dan’s wife, offered her the bowl of chips. “I hear you and Darcy are back together.”

“No.” Emma waved away the chips. Where had this come from? Surely not Darcy.

“We’ve all been hoping this would happen,” Courtney went on, apparently thinking Emma had been saying no to the snack. “Dan and I were sure you wouldn’t be able to stay apart for long. You two are the perfect couple.”

“Darcy and I aren’t back together.” Emma spoke louder than she’d intended, coinciding with a lull in conversation. Her statement carried across the room loud and clear.

All the adults and even the kids looked over.

“But...” Confusion showed on Courtney’s fine, pointed features. She tugged on one of the multiple rings in her ears. “Dan said you’d moved into the apartment above the pub.”

“Temporarily. I’ve been sick with pneumonia. Darcy was helping me out with Billy.”

“So you’re not going to stay there?” Marge asked. “I thought from what Darcy said, things were working out.”

Darcy met Emma’s gaze and shook his head. “I meant Billy. Things were working out with me looking after the baby.”

“No,” Marge said. “You told me you and Emma were getting along really well.”

“We are. Or, we do sometimes. It’s not the same as getting back together.” He reached for a handful of nuts from the bowl on the coffee table. “Now that Emma’s feeling better, she wants to move back to her own place soon.”

“You should try a little longer, for Billy’s sake,” Marge murmured.

“We weren’t trying to get together,” Emma explained. “It was a matter of convenience.”

That was met by quiet disapproval from the whole clan. Emma felt her exasperation grow. “We’re divorced. There were good reasons for that. I wanted more children and Darcy didn’t.”

“Now you’ve got your child. Darcy adores him. What’s the problem?” Marge looked around the room for confirmation of her logic. Heads nodded.

“Darcy is coping with Billy but the baby isn’t the only issue.” Emma was outnumbered by a very wide margin. “Tell them, Darcy.”

From across the room he looked her straight in the eye. “Maybe we shouldn’t rule anything out.”

What did he mean by that? And how the heck was she supposed to respond? Emma had a baby to look after. She couldn’t rely on maybe. She needed absolutes.

She shot a sharp look at Darcy then rose and picked up the diaper bag. “Billy needs a change. Darcy can you give me a hand in the bedroom?”

Mike, Darcy’s second oldest brother, laughed. “Darcy, help? We all know he couldn’t change a diaper if he tried.”

Darcy threw a peanut at him. “I’ve learned a thing or two in the past couple of weeks.”

“I’ll help,” Dani offered.

“Not this time, sweetie.” Emma plucked Billy out of Marge’s arms. “Coming, Darcy?”

Dan chuckled as they filed past. “They might not be married, but he sure is whipped like a husband.”

Emma stuck her chin in the air and pretended not to hear. She walked down the long hall to the last bedroom, the one Darcy and Mike had shared as kids. Two single beds were made up for grandkids who stayed over. Someday Billy might sleep in here.

She laid the baby on the bed and sat, motioning Darcy to sit on Billy’s other side. “Are you saying you want us to try again? Thanks for blindsiding me in front of your family. When did you decide this?”

“I haven’t decided anything. I just don’t want to rule it out.”

“Well, now they think it’s all my doing that we’re not together. They blame me.”

“They love you, Em. They want to see us together, that’s all. Especially now that we’ve got Billy.”

“What do you want?”

He plucked a thread on the brown patterned quilt. “I like you so much. And it’s obvious I’m hot for you. But there’s this big wall that goes up between us at times.” He glanced up. “You know what I mean? The anger, the resentment...it scares me. I don’t know if we can get past that.”

Holly, again. Her shoulders slumped. “I know what you mean, but it’s not fair that your family’s disapproval is directed at me, as though I’m the only one who’s holding us back.”

“I copped flack when I refused to have contact with Billy after he was born.”

“We can’t live our lives by what your family wants. When they pressure me, you need to back me up.”

“It was your decision to raise Billy on your own.”

“Really, did I have a choice? You didn’t even come to see me in the hospital. Or you did, but you let my family and friends scare you off. An extroverted guy like you afraid of a few people?” She nodded toward the other room. “Look what I have to put up with.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry. I’ll take my share of responsibility for the situation.”

“Thank you. That means a lot to me.” But it was two steps forward and one back. Neither of them could commit to trying again.

Billy started fussing. Emma found a rattle in the diaper bag and shook it gently to distract him. Billy’s hands flailed, trying to grab it. He was a cute baby, she acknowledged dispassionately.

“Let him have it,” Darcy said.

“He’s too little. He can’t grip yet.”

“Try him. He wants to take it.”

It seemed like a waste of time. On the other hand, Darcy had been right about placing Billy face out in the sling. Emma positioned the rattle next to Billy’s hand. His fingers closed around the handle. His jerky hand movements made it rattle. A wide toothless grin spread across his face. He looked at her and laughed, as if inviting her to share his excitement.

His delight was so pure, so innocent, she couldn’t help but smile. She found herself grinning at him unreservedly. “He held it.”

Darcy was beaming, too. “He’s a child prodigy.”

“He’s got an awesome smile.” How had she never noticed that before? She scooped him up off the bed and peered into his face. He gazed back at her, open, vulnerable, trusting. Something let go inside her. “Hello, Billy.”

Billy waved his hand and hit her on the nose with the rattle. Emma laughed and hugged him. Heat pricked the backs of her eyes, and she buried her face in his sweet, baby-smelling neck. His fingers threaded through her hair and clung, as if he, too, wanted to hold on to her and the moment.

She glanced at Darcy, who was digging out more toys for Billy to try to grasp. If he hadn’t taken her in, nursed her back to health and taken care of Billy, who knows where she and Billy would be now? Darcy, who she would have sworn didn’t know one end of a baby from the other, had just now helped her make a connection with Billy when she would have held back.

Darcy handed Billy a stuffed caterpillar the right size for his small hands to grab and squash while she laid him down and changed his diaper. When Billy got tired of the caterpillar Darcy handed him more toys. Some he grabbed and hung on to, others he batted away.

Had they ever played like this, the two of them, with Holly? Sometimes. Not often enough. She’d always been in a hurry to get on to the next task and get it done, to stick to the schedule she’d set out for herself. Illness, and Darcy, had forced her to relax.

If she went back to living alone now, would she lose the gains she’d made with Billy? But she couldn’t stay with Darcy solely for the baby’s sake. It had to be because they loved each other and wanted to make it work.

“Emma,” he began, “maybe we don’t need to belabor the fact that we’re not together right now. It’s enough that we know where we stand. My father’s not well and...”

“He’ll be okay, Darcy.”

“Will he? I’ve read terrible stories...” He trailed off, unable to speak his fears.

But Emma knew. She didn’t hesitate but pulled him into a warm embrace. As a nurse she believed in the power of medicine to heal the body. As a woman she knew the power of a hug to heal the soul. For long minutes she held Darcy close, her face pressed to his chest over his heart. Gradually she felt him relax and the tension flow out of him.

She eased away. “He might get worse before he gets better. But he’s strong. You should hope for the best. I’ll go with you when you visit him in the hospital.”

Darcy’s fingers curled around hers and brought them to his lips. “Thank you.”

She looked into his eyes and forgot everything else for a moment—even the baby.

Then Billy made a noise, and her attention landed on the one thing that both brought her and Darcy together, and drove a wedge between them. In spite of the gains they’d made in repairing their relationship, they weren’t together again. She had to remember that so she wouldn’t feel bad when it came time to leave him.

And that time was coming very soon.