20.
Sydney
“Are you crying?” Bridgette asks without compassion as she comes through the front door. Warren follows closely behind her, but he pauses the second his eyes meet mine.
I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting motionless on the couch, but it still isn’t long enough for reality to have been absorbed just yet. I’m still hoping this is a dream. Or a nightmare. This isn’t how things were supposed to turn out.
“Sydney?” Warren says hesitantly. He knows something is wrong, because I’m sure my swollen, bloodshot eyes clearly give me away.
I attempt to form an answer, but I fail to come up with one. As much a part of this as I am, I still feel that Ridge and Maggie’s situation isn’t mine to be sharing.
Luckily, Warren doesn’t have to ask me what’s wrong, because I’m spared by Ridge’s presence. He’s barging through the front door, taking both Bridgette’s and Warren’s attention off of me.
He pushes between the two of them and heads straight for his room. He swings open the door, then comes out through the bathroom seconds later. He looks at Warren and signs something. Warren shrugs and signs back, but I can’t follow their conversation at all.
When Ridge responds again, Warren looks directly at me. “What does he mean?” Warren asks me.
I shrug. “I failed to learn sign language between now and the last time we spoke, Warren. How the hell should I know?”
I don’t know where my unwarranted sarcasm is coming from, but I feel Warren should have anticipated that one.
He shakes his head. “Where’s Maggie, Sydney?” Warren points at the counter toward Ridge’s computer. “He says she had his computer, so she had to come by here after she left the hospital.”
I look at Ridge to answer but can’t deny the fact that jealousy is coursing through me at watching his reaction when it comes to Maggie. “I don’t know where she went. All she did was walk in, set your computer down, and grab her things. She’s been gone for half an hour.”
Warren is signing everything I’m saying to Ridge. When he finishes, Ridge runs a frustrated hand through his hair, then takes a step toward me. His eyes are angry and hurt, and he begins signing with forceful movements of his hands. His obvious anger makes me wince, but his disappointment in me fills me with my own share of anger.
“He wants to know how you could just let her leave,” Warren says.
I immediately stand up and look Ridge directly in the eye. “What did you expect me to do, Ridge? Lock her in the damn closet? You can’t be mad at me for this! I’m not the one who failed to delete messages I wouldn’t want someone else to read!”
I don’t wait for Warren to finish signing for Ridge. I walk to my bedroom and slam the door behind me, then drop down onto my bed. Moments later, I hear the door to Ridge’s bedroom slam shut, too. The sounds don’t stop there, though. I hear things crashing against his bedroom walls, one by one, as he takes his frustration out on any inanimate object in his path.
I don’t hear the knock through the sounds coming from Ridge’s bedroom. My door opens, and Warren slips inside. He shuts my bedroom door, then leans his back against it. “What happened?” he asks.
I turn my head to face the other direction. I don’t want to answer him, and I don’t want to look at him, because I know anything I say to him will only cause him to be disappointed in Ridge and me. I don’t want him to be disappointed in Ridge.
“Are you okay?” His voice is closer now. He sits down on the bed beside me and places a comforting hand on my back. The reassuring contact from him causes me to break down again as I bury my face in my arms. I feel as though I’m drowning, but I have no fight left to even bother coming up for air.
“You said something about messages to Ridge. Did Maggie read something that upset her?”
I turn my head back over and look up at him. “Go ask Ridge, Warren. It’s not my place to tell you Maggie’s business.”
Warren purses his lips in a tight line, nodding slowly while he thinks. “I kind of think it is your place, though. Isn’t it? Does it not have everything to do with you? And I can’t ask Ridge. I’ve never seen him like this before, and frankly, I’m a little terrified of him right now. But I’m worried about Maggie, and I need you to tell me what happened so I can figure out if there’s anything I can do to help.”
I close my eyes, wondering how I can answer Warren’s question with a simplified response. I open my eyes and look at him again. “Don’t be angry with him, Warren. The only thing Ridge has done wrong is fail to delete a few messages.”
Warren tilts his head and narrows his doubtful eyes. “If that’s the only thing Ridge did wrong, then why is Maggie avoiding him? Are you saying that the messages she read weren’t wrong? Whatever has been going on between the two of you isn’t wrong?”
I don’t like the condescending undertone in his voice. I sit up on the bed and scoot back, putting space between the two of us as I respond. “The fact that Ridge has been honest in his conversations with me is not something he did wrong. The fact that he has feelings for me also isn’t wrong, when you know exactly how much he’s fought those feelings. People can’t control matters of the heart, Warren. They can only control their actions, which is exactly what Ridge did. He lost control once for ten seconds, but after that, every single time temptation reared its ugly head, he walked in the other direction. The only thing Ridge has done wrong is fail to delete his messages, because by doing so, he failed to protect Maggie. He failed to protect her from the harsh truth that people don’t get to choose who they fall in love with. They only get to choose who they stay in love with.” I look up at the ceiling and blink back tears. “He was choosing to stay in love with her, Warren. Why can’t she see that? This will kill him so much more than it’s killing her.”
I fall back onto the bed, and Warren remains beside me, quiet and still. Several long moments pass, and then he stands and slowly makes his way to my bedroom door. “I owe you an apology,” he says.
“An apology for what?”
He drops his eyes to the floor and shuffles his feet. “I didn’t think you were good enough for him, Sydney.” He slowly brings his gaze back to mine. “You are. You and Maggie both are. This is the first moment since meeting Ridge that I don’t envy him.”
He leaves the room, somehow having made me feel the tiniest bit better and a whole hell of a lot worse.
I continue to lie still on my bed, listening for the sound of Ridge’s anger to return, but it doesn’t. It’s completely quiet throughout the apartment. The only thing any of us can hear is the lingering shattering of Maggie’s heart.
I pick up my phone for the first time since I put it on silent and see that I have a missed text from Ridge, sent just a few minutes ago.
Ridge: I changed my mind. I need you to leave today.
Ridge
I pile a few things into a bag, hoping I’ll actually need it once I get to her house. I have no idea if Maggie will even allow me to step through her front door, but the only thing I can do right now is be optimistic, because the alternative is unacceptable. It just is. I refuse to accept that this is it.
I know she’s hurt, and I know she hates me right now, but she has to understand how much she means to me and how my feelings for Sydney were never intentional.
I clench my fists again, wondering why in the hell I ever had those conversations with Sydney in the first place. Or why I failed to delete them. I never thought Maggie would be in a position to read them. I guess in a way, I just didn’t feel guilty. The way I’ve felt toward Sydney wasn’t something I wanted to happen, but the feelings are there, and refusing to act on them since our initial kiss has taken a hell of a lot of effort. In an oddly sadistic way, I’ve actually been proud of myself for being able to fight it the way I have.
But Maggie won’t see that side of it, and I completely understand. I know Maggie, and if she read all the messages, she’s more upset about the connection I’ve made with Sydney than she is over the fact that I kissed her. The feelings I have for Sydney aren’t something I’m sure I can talk my way out of.
I grab my bag and my phone and head into the kitchen to pack the laptop. When I reach the counter, I notice a piece of paper peeking out from the computer. I find a sticky note stuck to the screen.
Ridge,
It was never my intention to read your personal stuff, but when I opened your laptop, it was all right there in front of me. I read all of it, and I wish I never saw it. Please give me time to process everything before you show up. I’ll contact you when I’m ready to talk in a few days.
Maggie
A few days?
God, please don’t let her be serious. There’s no way my heart will survive this for a few days. I’ll be lucky if I make it through the end of today knowing how I’ve made her feel.
I toss my bag back toward my bedroom door since I won’t need it for a while. I lean forward in defeat and rest my elbows on the bar, crumpling the note up in my fist. I stare down at the laptop before me.
Piece of shit computer.
Why the hell didn’t I have a password on it? Why the hell didn’t I take it with me when I left the hospital? Why the hell didn’t I delete everything? Why the hell did I even write anything to Sydney in the first place?
I’ve never hated an inanimate object as much as I hate this computer. I slam the screen shut and bring my fist down on top of it with all my strength. I wish I could hear it crack. I wish I could hear the sound my fist makes each time I bring it down forcefully. I want to hear it crushed beneath my fist the same way my heart feels crushed inside my chest.
I stand up straight and pick the laptop up, then slam it down on the bar. I see Warren exit his bedroom out of the corner of my eye, but I’m too pissed to care if I’m making too much noise. I continue to pick the laptop up and slam it against the bar over and over, but it doesn’t diminish the hatred I feel for it in the least, and it also doesn’t do enough damage to the casing. Warren walks toward the kitchen and heads to a cabinet. He reaches inside and grabs something, then walks over to me. I pause my attack on the computer and look up to see him holding out a hammer. I gladly take it, then step back and bring the hammer down against the laptop with all my might. This time, I can actually see the cracks appear with each hit.
Much better.
I hit it over and over and watch as pieces fly in all directions. I’m also leaving a hefty amount of damage on the bar beneath my mangled computer, but I don’t give a shit. Countertops are replaceable. What this computer destroyed of Maggie isn’t.
When there isn’t much left of the computer to destroy, I finally drop the hammer on the bar. I’m out of breath. I turn and slide down to the floor with my back against the cabinets.
Warren walks around me and sits on the floor in front of me, resting his back against the wall behind him. “Feel better?” he signs.
I shake my head. I don’t feel better, I just feel worse. Now I know for a fact that it’s not the laptop I’m mad at. It’s me. I’m mad at myself.
“Anything I can do to help?”
I ponder his question. The only thing that could help me get Maggie back is to prove to her that there’s nothing going on between me and Sydney. In order to prove that to her, I need to not have any interaction with Sydney whatsoever. That’s kind of hard with her in the very next room.
“Can you help Sydney move?” I sign. “Today?”
Warren lowers his chin at my request, eyeing me with disappointment. “Today? Her apartment won’t be ready for three more days. Besides, she needs furniture, and what we ordered this morning isn’t even being delivered until the day she moves in.”
I pull my wallet out of my pocket and remove my credit card. “Take her to a hotel, then. I’ll pay for her room until her apartment is ready. I need her out in case Maggie comes back. She can’t be here.”
Warren takes my card and stares at it for several seconds before bringing his eyes back to mine. “This is kind of a shitty move considering this is your fault. Don’t expect me to be the one to ask her to leave today. You owe her that much.”
I have to admit, Warren’s reaction surprises me. Yesterday he seemed to hate Sydney. Today he’s acting as if he’s protecting her. “I already told her I need her to leave today. Do me a favor, and make sure she gets moved in okay this week. Get her anything she needs. Groceries, extra furniture, Whatever.”
I’m beginning to stand up when the door to Sydney’s room opens. She’s walking out backward, pulling both of her suitcases. Warren scrambles to his feet next to me, and as soon as she turns around and her eyes lock with mine, she freezes.
The guilt over what I’m having her do hits me when I see the tears in her eyes. She doesn’t deserve this. She hasn’t done anything to deserve all that I’ve put her through. The way it makes me feel to know I’ve hurt her is exactly why I need her to leave, because I shouldn’t care this much.
But I do. God, I care about her so much.
I break eye contact with her and look back to Warren. “Thank you for helping her,” I sign. I head back to my room, not wanting to watch Sydney walk out the front door. I can’t imagine losing both her and Maggie in the course of a few hours, but it’s actually happening.
Warren grabs my arm as I pass him, forcing me to turn and look at him. “You aren’t even going to tell her good-bye?” he signs.
“I can’t tell her good-bye when I don’t really want her to leave.” I continue toward my room, thankful that I can’t hear the sound of the front door closing behind her when she leaves. I don’t know if I could take it.
I pick up my phone and lie down on my bed. I pull up Maggie’s number and send her a text.
Me: I’ll give you however much time you need. I love you more than you even realize. I’m not going to deny anything I said to Sydney, because it was all true, especially the parts about you and how much I love you. I know you’re hurt, and I know I betrayed you, but please. You have to know how much I’ve fought for you. Please don’t end us like this.
I hit the send button and pull the phone to my chest.
Then I f*cking cry.