Chapter 9
I could hear the party going on outside, the laughter and gaiety while one so young suffered just feet away.
Life is strange as f*ck, some people can be suffering while others have no clue and are just going along with their daily life as usual.
I wanted to go down there and yell at them to get the f*ck gone, which was stupid, none of those people had anything to do with what had happened to her, what I was really pissed about was the fact that I couldn't act yet, I wanted to be up and moving, but I needed to be holding her more.
This changed things, I couldn't just fall on her like I'd been about to, she was obviously still hurt, still healing, I'd have to watch, to gauge where she was in her head, one thing was for sure, she wasn't staying in that f*cking shell a minute longer, why should she hide who she was because those f*cks were cowardly a*sholes, she hadn't done anything wrong, as far as I can see they'd taken more than enough from her already.
'Angel, can I ask you something?"
She nodded her head against my neck.
"How do you feel, I need to know so I know what to do for you?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean right now, where are you with this, are you scared, angry, hurt, what...I want to know where your heart and mind is."
"I'm not sure, I've been all those things...no one else asked me that, I guess everyone just assumed they knew how I should be feeling, but you're the first one to ask me that.
It feels good that you asked, it's making me think right now..."
"And what do you feel baby?"
She took a minute while she moved around a bit until she was finally sitting up next to me.
Her eyes were red from crying but even that didn't take away from their beauty. I reached up with my palm and held her cheek, when she rubbed her face against my hand like a baby fawn she stole the f*cking heart right out of me.
I dropped my hand still warm from her skin,as she sat up straighter.
"I'm mostly angry, at them, at me, at Donna.
Then I feel guilty for being angry at her because she's dead, and then I feel guilty that I'm here and she's not, but I tried to warn her.
This guy was older, in college, the things she said that he was saying to her made me uncomfortable, it's like I could see through his bull shit but she couldn't.
If only she'd listened to me, none of this would've happened, but it's stupid to stay angry at her because she's gone, my best friend is gone and I couldn't do anything about it.
I hate myself for standing there like a scared little rabbit while they brutalized her."
"But you were able to fight them off."
"What des that say about me, why didn't I use some of that to help her?"
"Do you take fighting lessons, are you trained in any of the arts?"
"No, I just knew what my dad taught me over the years, it just kicked in I guess, but while they were up those stairs and she was screaming for me, I couldn't move, I was too afraid."
"Clear and imminent danger, your survival instinct kicked in, no one knows why the body reacts the way it does to fear, or why some people can accomplish the impossible in certain situations, all I can tell you Angel is that you were meant to survive, that's why you're here and you shouldn't feel any guilt for that. What else?"
"I don't know, sometimes I laugh and I'd hear myself laugh and get sad, it feels wrong to laugh, like I should remember that night for the rest of my life and never laugh or be happy again."
"So why don't you kill yourself if you don't want to live?"
She looked at me in horror but I wasn't taking that shit back, obviously no one had talked to this girl about this shit or if they had they'd done a piss poor job of it.
I wasn't going to join that line of f*ck ups, she needed a hard wake up call before one day she ended up slitting her wrist or some shit, this thinking of hers was all f*cked up, she wouldn't heal like that, only get worst as time went on.
"Why would you say something like that, that's,...that's cruel."
"No Angel, what you're doing to yourself is cruel, you begrudge yourself happiness, you walk around trying to look like and be someone else, laughter is out, fun of any kind is out..."
"Well I'm here aren't I?"
"I'm sure Elena didn't give you a choice, I know my mother, you didn't come because you wanted to as much as you were obeying an order, you've turned yourself into a robot, no human emotion..."
"I was just dry humping you at the side of your parents' house what are you talking about?"
And we'll be getting back to that later please God, that and much more, but later, after I've straightened your shit out. That much I was sure of.
"Yeah, and I'm sure you'll make yourself feel guilty for that later, like you've done with everything else since the incident."
"Why are you being such an a*shole jerk?"
She clapped her hand over her mouth and I howled with laughter. I couldn't help myself, I rolled into her, taking her down with me as I rolled around on the bed laughing my ass off.
"See that bitch that was just here, that's who I want to meet."
I kissed her quick and rolled away.
"Come on let's go."
"I don't feel like going back out there."
"Too bad, you're going, your days of hiding are over, you didn't do anything wrong, you didn't go up the stairs because subconsciously you knew it was four of them against you, you had no weapon, nothing to fend them off, you actually used the only weapons at your disposal, the phone, then you used your head, another weapon, only of a different nature, so you see Angel, you weren't useless, you won in the end.
All we have to do now is deal with your misguided belief that you have anything to feel guilty about."
People were looking and wondering most likely what we were doing together since I had her hand locked in mine, I didn't answer any of the silent questions as we went towards the table where my crew and their families were sitting.
"Hello ladies, this is Katarina."
I introduced her to each of the wives before taking a seat and seating her next to me, my first inclination was to pull her down on my lap but I didn't think she was ready for that yet.
"I'm going to get you food, you want to come with or are you good here?"
She stood up with me, her face blushing red.
"I'll come with you."
"Hello Colton, Elena said you'd be here soon." Jennifer blocked our path.
F*cking bitch.
I felt Angel's hand twitch I mine and gave it a squeeze.
Jennifer's eyes dropped from me to our clasped hands and her face grew angry.
She opened her mouth to say something scathing no doubt, but was thwarted.
"We're about to eat, later."
The enigma that was my Angel dragged me off towards the food table leaving a stunned Jennifer with her mouth hanging open, it might be in poor taste but I couldn't help laughing.
I loved that fire in her, I will do everything in my power to draw it back out of her, to break open that shell and drag her out of it.
Jennifer wasn't going to like being dismissed like that but who gave a f*ck?
* * *
"I do not like that person, she's so full of herself, I know she was about to start her 'who is this' shit again...oh crap, did you want to talk to her, oh my gosh I'm so sorry...I didn't..."
"Don't start second guessing yourself now, feel free to put Jennifer in her place anytime."
I wanted to ask if she was his ex or future or whatever but thought that was not my place, but then again the way he was holding onto me...
"Exactly what are we doing?"
"With what?"
I swung our joined hands up so he could see.
"Oh that, I'm getting you use to my touch, get use to it, there's going to be a lot of that in your future." He smirked down at me.
Gulp, why is it that my underwear always suffered in his presence, the old me would've voiced that question, the new me was a little more cautious...what Colton doesn't know is that there was more to the story, like the way people had turned against me and my mom for accusing one of the city's golden sons of something as horrendous as rape.
Donna's family had fled after her suicide, it was too much for two people who had had a late in life baby after years of trying
People had made accusations, like Donna and I had asked for it, some said we'd lured the boys to the house, two young girls alone for the weekend, looking to have a good time, we'd probably been drinking at getting high, you know how all teens are.I guess we were in to being beaten black and blue too since we were both almost beyond recognition by the time the paramedics showed up.
There was a lot of scrutiny about the way I dressed, and since Donna was no longer there to carry any of the burden, I bore the brunt of it.
My every move was scrutinized, the way I dressed, my hobbies, which were all Tom boyish if you want to know the truth, but instead of being seen as a girl who liked riding bikes or skate boarding, like so many others before me, I was now the slut who liked to hang around with groups of boys.
You try walking around in low rider jeans and tanks, or cute little skirts (which I use to love) while the world is calling you a slutty teen.
So no, I didn't use my usual snarky wit on him, I just enjoyed the feel of his thumb rubbing circles in my palm.
The BBQ turned out to be fun, his mom and her friend never mentioned what had happened earlier for which I was abundantly grateful, and I caught his dad giving him a thumbs up behind my head while puffing away on a joint.
When I looked back at Colton he was just shaking his head at him.
"Mom, your husband's being embarrassing again."
"Daniel put that thing out."
"Hell naw woman, as a matter of fact I forgot to show you something up at the house."
He wiggled his brows at her and I couldn't help it, I laughed so hard I fell off my chair which made him laugh and then everyone was laughing.
That's how my dad found me.
"What's going on over here?"
He was smiling as he asked, smiling and looking at me with such happiness in his eyes.
God, had it really been that long since he'd seen me laugh like that?
"Here chief, have a pull."
"Shit Daniel, you toked?"
"Perfectly legal big guy." He took another draw and went back to his eye wiggling.
"Yeah but some people should not take advantage of that fact."
"You trying to say I can't handle my shit, I'll have you know...wait how do you people keep getting me off track, Elena come I got something to show you."
"Please for the sake of my sanity chief shoot me now." Colton hung his head.
"Relax son your parents are doing it right."
"That's easy for you to say."
Colton mumbled under his breath as he helped me up.
Dad arched his brow when Colton kept ahold of me after I was standing, kept ahold of me my ass he had his arm around me and I was buried in his side like we were attached at the hip.
I could just imagine the questions dad was going to embarrass me with when we got home.
"I'm guessing you're not ready to leave bells?"
"I've got her chief."
There was a look passed between them, a look that Colton refused to break first. I looked back and forth between them and saw my father drop his gaze first and with a nod looked around asking for a beer.
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