“I didn’t want you to be upset with me.” And I knew he would be. And that he would have a right to worry, because I was pushing way too hard. Not only hiding things from the people I love but hiding from myself.
“You didn’t want me to ask questions, and you didn’t want to face the truth and acknowledge that you have a problem.” He closes his eyes for a second and exhales a slow, deep breath. “I’m not mad at you, Teagan, and I know it hurts to hear this, but you’re trying to bury your problems under a mountain of prescriptions. You’ve been working five different jobs and taking on more and more projects, because you can’t or won’t say no. It’s more than anyone can reasonably handle. That alone would have caused anyone to have a breakdown.”
“I wanted to prove I could do it, and I didn’t want to let anyone down.” The words sound hollow and weak, and like another useless excuse.
“I know. You never want to let anyone down. But you keep piling it on and not taking anything off your plate. You don’t even give yourself time to breathe. You need to find some balance, and this isn’t the way to do that.” Van’s expression is pained, his tone imploring.
I look down at our clasped hands, not wanting him to be right but knowing that he is. “If I stop, then I have time to think.”
“Why is that such a bad thing?”
Because then I have time to reflect on my choices. That I’ve spent my whole life trying to be what everyone else expected instead of accepting myself for me. That I wanted to fit into an ideal instead of just being me. And when I got to Pearl Lake and managed to get these jobs, I wanted to prove that I could do all of it. That I could handle everything. I lost sight of the goal, and instead of figuring out what I want, I tried to juggle everything, liking the feeling of being needed. Until it all came crashing down.
There’s a knock on the door, and Aaron appears, holding two white paper cups. He looks exhausted. “You’re awake. Thank God.”
“I’m going to give you two a few minutes.” Van pushes to his feet, and Aaron takes his place in the chair beside my bed.
He sets the cup on the night table and folds my hand between both of his. “Hey.”
“Hi,” I whisper. I don’t know where to start.
“I thought you had overdosed.” He bows his head and presses his lips to the back of my hand. “I thought I was going to lose you.”
“I’m so sorry,” I whisper. And I am. More than words can express. Especially knowing his past and everything he’s been through when he lost his brother. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“I want you to get help, Teagan. I don’t want you to feel like you have to keep taking on the weight of the world. And I know it’s not going to be easy, but I will love you even when you can’t love yourself, okay?” He gives me back my own words.
Lying here, in this hospital bed because my body and brain told me what I’ve been refusing to see all this time—that I’m pushing myself to my breaking point—I can finally see that it’s not everyone else I’m letting down; it’s myself. And in doing that, I’m causing the people I love pain. I can see it on Aaron’s face, and it breaks my heart.
Over the next forty-eight hours I undergo a slew of tests, including an MRI and a CT scan. I’m terrified that there’s more going on in my brain and my body that I don’t know about. But it turns out the seizure is a result of exhaustion, dehydration, and a general chemical imbalance in my brain. My body literally shorted out on me. And it scares the hell out of me.
Enough that I agree to a thirty-day treatment program where I can detox from the pharmacy of medication I’ve been swallowing on a regular basis to make it through my days. I almost back out, afraid of what people are going to say and think, worried about all the people I’m letting down and the projects that aren’t going to be taken care of while I’m gone. But my family rallies around me, and despite everything I’ve put him through, Aaron is there to offer his support. He even drives me to the treatment center.
We pull up to the estate house. It’s a beautiful sprawling home on twenty acres of property. It even has its own man-made lake. It’s expensive, and going here will eat pretty much all my savings. We did the research, though, and this place has a high success rate. And it’s only about an hour away from Pearl Lake. Van offered to pay for it, but there was no way I would allow him to foot the bill for this. I needed to own this, and I needed to take control of my own life, starting with putting myself through treatment.
Aaron parks the car but doesn’t make a move to get out.
“Tell me that I need to do this.”
He reaches over and squeezes my hand before slipping his fingers under my hair, his palm curving around the back of my neck. “You need to take care of yourself, and this is one huge step in the right direction.”
“You’re right. I know that. I’m just scared.”
“Scared of what, exactly?”
I give voice to my fears. “What if it’s too hard? What if I can’t do it? What if it doesn’t work?”
His thumb sweeps along the column of my throat. “You have to want it to work, Teagan. And you can’t go back to the way things were.”
“Maybe you should give me an ultimatum.” I drag my attention away from the white house. “Tell me that you can’t be with me if I go back to the way I was before.”
His smile is sad as he brushes his thumb across my cheek. I realize he’s wiping away a tear. I’ve shed a lot of those over the past few days. That Aaron hasn’t run screaming for the hills tells me I’m pretty damn lucky to have him in my life.
“You know I can’t do that,” he says softly.
“You can’t stick around if this doesn’t work.” I motion to the house.
“I’m not sending you in there with that hanging over your head, Teagan. That’s like tossing someone into the ocean without a life jacket and expecting them to tread water for the next thirty days without support. This is one day at a time. I’m not expecting you to be perfect, and neither should you. Give yourself the grace you give everyone else.” He cups my cheek and presses his lips to mine.
I sink into the kiss, dragging it out as long as I can. There won’t be more kisses like this for a while. We’ve decided that we’re going to take a step back while I’m in treatment. It means we’re on pause while I get the help I need. And I hope like hell that when I come out on the other side, I’ll be able to stand on my own, and we can find a new us.
CHAPTER 28
A NEW DOOR TO OPEN
Teagan
The thing about addiction is that you don’t know how big of a problem it is until the things you’re addicted to are taken away. One of the first things the doctors at the treatment center do is reassess my medication. It means lots of questions, some questionnaires, and a slew of assessment tests.