I knew that it bothered him that I didn’t discuss my whereabouts with him but I didn’t trust that he’d keep it a secret. The last time I told him specifically where I was at school in North Carolina I started getting phone calls and mail from people that I didn’t want to correspond with, namely LaTavia. She sent me pictures of her baby who looked just like O. What shocked the hell out of me was that it included a letter from O. He must have written it from prison and asked her to send it to me. He hinted over at the money in the account, but indirectly. If LaTavia got wind of that he’d never hear the end of it. I ignored it.
Then my grandmother called with my mother on a three way asking for money and apologizing for her indiscretions as a parent all in the same breath. Needless to explain why, I changed dormitories on campus, privatizing my address and telephone number. I knew they wouldn’t visit. People in the hood never go anywhere. Since then I’ve minimized the information I gave my brother. He didn’t mean for any of them to reach me and was even willing to have his peoples who were in the same prison as O “handle” (his word) him but I begged him to drop it. I explained that responding to it would confirm where I was and I didn’t want that at all.
I chatted a little bit more with my Akeem and left. It’s always hard leaving him. He, along with Chyna, were the only positive references of home I cherished. Everything else was gloomy. I hated the thought of Jersey. I stopped at a nearby outlet to do a little shopping to kill time. After an hour or so I headed to the airport. Now that I’d seen my brother, I couldn’t be happier to leave.
On the plane ride home I got comfortable in my seat and immediately tried to relax. My mind wrestled with so much. I had so much to deal with, specifically a line item labeled A.D. Jacobs.
~~~~~~~~~~
Panting. Sweating. The cogs of my mind racing. I’d just awakened from another nightmare consisting of home—J-Boog, bullets, and my punctured heart. I hated them. Despised their haunting nature. I thought I’d escaped them each time I went long periods without them. But when they came, I was reminded that no matter how far from home I’ve physically traveled, I was still a slave to those deadly circumstances. To my fate. No matter how often I tried, it was clear that I was meant to be alone. Exiled to a fucked up land called loneliness, solitude.
It was Sunday morning, five days after my blow up with Azmir. Often on Sunday mornings, in lieu of attending church like I did as a kid, I would reflect on my life—the good and bad. One thing that I no longer had to worry about on my “bad list” was how I was going to have to repay Sebastian. That problem had weighed on me for a long time. Having it off my shoulders was certainly a huge respite.
That sense of relief brought my stream of thoughts to Azmir. The man with the gold pocket watch. That damn pocket watch flooded the forefront of my mind. My guilt had finally slapped me in the face. Doomed to my fate. I was perturbed by his benevolence, but he made it clear that paying off Sebastian wasn’t a loan.
Wonder if he’s changed his mind given my blow up at his job.
His gesture was generous and could only mean he was truly interested in me. Had I cut off my nose to spite my face?
Resigned to this fucked up land called loneliness.
Remorse set in. I looked at the clock that read six twenty-three. In an instant, I decided to bite the bullet and tell Michelle what had taken place. I picked up the phone and when she answered, I unloaded more forceful than I’d realized I had in me.
After I finished with the office fiasco there was an expectant pause. I gave her room to reply. But nothing.
“Shelly, you don’t have to tell me. I know I’ve fucked up,” I admitted preemptively.
She immediately hissed, “…royally!” I braced myself. “I don’t know what else to say. I actually don’t think that I need to because I can see you feel like shit. What are you going do to get back in his good graces is all I want to know.”
“I was thinking more on the traditional repentant side. A few things have come to mind,” I answered confidently. I had been giving it some thought over the past few days.