“Yes. I’ve been made aware in senior staff development trainings. It’s where my subordinates can be totally honest about my governing in hopes of strengthening our team. In all honesty, I was aware of my aggressiveness prior to the trainings, it’s a mechanism that was needed in my management days way before I entered the corporate arena. But here with you, it’s not something I want. It would be counterintuitive.”
To what? There was an uncomfortable pause. One that he knew he had to fill. And he did.
“Look, Brimm. I may not be the easiest to gauge but I’m certainly not aiming to be an anomaly with you. If you feel uneasy or question something where we’re concerned I need you to address it.” His eyebrows knitted as he gathered his thoughts. “Relationships aren’t my thing. I’m no good at them. People may be surprised considering my last one, but that one functioned with so many complexities that when it ended it came with no regrets on my part.”
His head went down to his plate playing with his food. I could tell he was mentally constrained, something that I was all too familiar with. It surprised the hell out of me that I felt the sudden urge to throw him a bone. Who in the hell was I to give him a hand with expressing his feelings when I sure as hell didn’t have a grip on mine? But I wanted to assist.
“Azmir, you’ve confided in me how you’ve been unable to open up to women completely because the one woman you truly loved and trusted abandoned you. Now, I know you’ve said that, logically, you get how your mom is different from women you date but we both know that she’s representative of all women for you. The way that you perceive her will fashion how you receive women. Many people are faced with that same problem…men and women alike,” I said confidently.
“Does that apply to your view on men?” Azmir asked with such sincerity in his eyes.
You have to appreciate that he was a “cool” guy who wasn’t led by emotion but instead business and logic. We’d yet to cross the bridge of emotionally-themed conversations, but this inevitable and dreadful exchange was going to get even deeper. I had been caught extremely off guard, my therapist cap had been knocked clear off my head and I guess it showed because as he took a sip of his brandy he chuckled.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean…in all the time I’ve known you—you have never uttered a word about your father other than he left your family when you were coming up. I can’t help but to wonder what affects his actions has had on you because even if there’s no more to the story, him leaving is enough. I can tell you are extremely guarded and self-sufficient as hell. All is derivative, which means that determination and hard-assness comes from somewhere…some place,” he analyzed.
I stilled with an empty expression for a minute before saying, “Wow. I don’t know what to say. I know that I can be stubborn as hell but I thought I had gotten better…with you.” I noticed my voice trembling down at “with you”. That could only mean he was right.
“I’m just saying…” he spoke as he shifted positions in his seat, “…it should be obvious that our relationship has budded into something meaningful. But I’ve been a little hesitant—hell—shook to even touch on the subject. I don’t want you to feel that I’m trying to box you into something you haven't signed up for so I’ve been letting shit breathe,” he said before a pause. “I guess what I’m saying is help a brother out, Brimm,” he continued.
“What do you mean? I haven’t given you any reason to believe that I’m not in this thing with you, have I?”
“No. Not that you aren’t here but...that you’re holding back.”
“Azmir, this is coming from a man who dates other women…” I attempted.
His eyebrows rose and his body went rigid. He looked me square in the eyes, “Hold up. I am unequivocally not dating anyone else—”