“Listen, while you sit here on the phone with me trying to convince yourself that you are not what is defined as G-A-Y, let me tell you that I’m not beat for it. You put my life and health at risk. As we speak, I am awaiting the results of my HIV test. My life is hanging in the balance all because you like “playing” around with your friends by having a * in your face and a cock up your ass at the same time. Let me be clear when I say don’t you ever call or look for me ever again in your life. If I ever see you again, not only will I scream out loud that you are a gay freak but I will look for the nearest weapon-like object and bust you in your fucking head. And if you don’t fucking believe me just try me,” My tone, dissonantly cool and collected.
I could tell he wanted to say more but thought it wouldn’t be wise. We ended the conversation there. I waited until that following Monday to call the phone company to have my cell number changed. That day I swore that I would never have unprotected sex again. It wasn’t Tyquan’s betrayal that affected me, it was his disregard for my life. I had to look out for my own safety and damn sure couldn’t rely on a man to do it.
Graduation day was approaching and I was more confused than ever. For months I’d been thinking of things to do and places to go post-graduation. The only thing I was sure of is I sure as hell wasn’t returning to Jersey. I liked North Carolina but felt I needed a change.
A couple of days before graduation day Michelle arrived in town. I was so happy to see her; I was beside myself. I talked from the airport to dinner to breakfast the next morning. And even through all of that chatter Michelle knew her good friend wasn’t herself. During breakfast Michelle interrupted my story to ask, “What’s next?”
Huhn? I looked at my dear friend with confusion. “What do you mean what’s next?”
“You know…for your life. What are your plans?”
I grew quiet as I caught the revelation and pondered the question. Emotions began to rush in and I, within seconds, began to weep. “I don’t know! I’ve been asking myself this since you left. I’ve worked like a machine since I’ve been in college just to get to this point in my life. I’ve done fairly well, maintaining good grades while participating in internship after internship and volunteering hours to charitable organizations. I’ve avoided meaningful relationships with men and women all to feel like I’m busy—like I’ve been on a mission. Well, now the mission is over and I’m lost,” I cried as my body trembled over the table.
It would take her to evoke those hoarded feelings. We were sitting in a restaurant and I was boo-hooing. Michelle gently grabbed my hand, “You’re coming with me.”
I raised my eyes at her with a blank look on my face and an uncontrollably quivering bottom lip trying to process her words. I never thought about going out to California with Michelle. I didn’t want to be her third leg. But oddly enough, I immediately felt the warmth of the idea. Michelle was the closest thing to family. I began to cry even harder. People at the restaurant took notice. Michelle played it off by laughing and gesturing to patrons that all was well. On our way back to the campus, we made plans for my move. After all, I had to be off campus in three days.
Michelle flew into town with solutions for my dilemmas, saving the day. I was sure that she knew from the moment she’d met me, I was running from my life back in Jersey. We talked for hours about my future. Michelle’s family had a physical therapy practice back in Southern California. She told me that she’d already spoken to her uncle about hiring me as an administrative assistant until I was done with my Masters and could start taking on my own clients. I majored in Exercise and Sports Science with a minor in Business at Duke. It was something that I took an interest in since I was a kid and into sports.
At that table, there in the restaurant, I decided to move to L.A. with Michelle. It was that simple, I had no reservations, no one thing or person holding me back. Something about that instant decision felt right. I didn’t know how my life would fare on the Pacific Coast but I would try it and eventually find out.
Chapter 3