Ezra inclined in his seat, leveling his eyes with mine.
“We should all be aware of those qualities we possess without the influence of others. The identity at the core of our beings. Those elements we hold regardless of who we’re interacting with. If you had no family or friends, who would you be today? What are your interests? What makes you happy? What are your moral boundaries? What are your vices? All of these factors are a part of your identity…elements of you. People can take you or leave you, it wouldn’t matter because their presence or lack thereof doesn’t change your identity, only you do.” He sat back in his seat. “So, again, if you had no family or friends, who would you be today?
My face wrinkled, “I’d be a baller, that’s for sure.”
“How do you figure?”
“Because my career wasn’t guided by family or friends. I was pushed by people in that line of work…coaches…scouts. And because that’s what’s in me. It’s a part of my expression. It’s what I’m good at.”
“Okay.” He nodded. “Your emotional make up, would that have varied?”
“Without family or friends? Hell, yeah.”
“How so?”
“I think I’d be better suited for relationships.”
“Of what kind?”
“Shit,” I scoffed. “The romantic type, for one.”
“You don’t think you’re emotionally equipped for one? Consider all of your elements.”
There was a pause.
“You’re stalling,” he muttered.
“No. I don’t think I am.”
“But you’re planning for a romantic relationship with Zoey at some point.”
“Yeah.”
“What makes you think you’ll be ready then?”
“Because she makes me want to be great for her. She’s the only woman who has my ass thinking and rethinking on how to get everything right.”
“Aren’t you forgetting the one element of your identity? Control.”
“Huhn?”
“You like to control, Stenton. You thrive on it. You need it. Apparently, Zoey also submitted to your control. You introduced her to the lifestyle the first scene you did with her. You demonstrated your need for control, something that we Dom’s need to have.”
“Yeah, I guess that is a part of my makeup. My element,” I murmured much to myself. That realization made my head spin.
“Who are you without Zoey?” he continued.
“Shit…a floater.”
He shook his head. “You are a man governed by control. I don’t agree.”
“Why?”
“Because a woman with the capabilities of Zoey that you’ve shared doesn’t fall in love with floaters.” His brows came together. “You told me she was in love with you before you split.”
“She was.” I shook my head, exasperated.
“Stenton, you shared with me in another session that you impregnated her to anchor her to your world while she “grew up.” You had no confidence in your self-identity if you believed that without a child together she wouldn’t have stayed and grown by your side. You didn’t have confidence in the other elements of your self-identity. You only utilized control. Impregnating Zoey was controlling her. That isn’t the best factor to use for those of us who struggle with the need for it. You went beyond controlling her in scenes. You went to controlling her destiny.”
“Shit…”
And that was pretty much how we flowed and what discoveries were made in those sessions. I wasn’t healed, just enlightened and therefore well-positioned to make needed adjustments in my life. On occasion I was able to improve on some of my, now, highlighted flaws. And sometimes, I ignored my new tools from those sessions.
Chapter 6
Then
August 2010