My shoulders flop. I don’t know what else to say. So, I officially offer, very painfully, “I’m sorry, Zo. I sincerely apologize for the deception, the manipulation, the lies, the—”
“The wait,” she snorts softly, but I catch it loud and clear. “You give me a baby, and steal my heart, leaving me waiting to breathe.” Shit. I’ve felt the same way, all these years. A wry smile appears on her face. Zoey’s eyes are red and heavy, but she forces a smile. “Well, you did one hell of a job getting what you wanted.” She rises from the table. “You gave me a baby…or I should say, I gave you a baby. But the worst thing you did was rob me of the ability to love and breathe. I’ve lost seven years of potential good living, gave my body to two men, trying to escape my longing for you, and almost missed out on a career. Yeah, you made sure money was the last thing my family, child or I had to worry about, but neglected my heart. How does it feel, Stenton? How do you feel about your fatuous plan now?”
Zoey widens her stance, inadvertently exposing the width in her thighs, and crosses her arms over her abdomen, pushing her cleavage to an inappropriate view, though unintentionally. In this stance, I get the full revelation of her sexuality. When I met her, she was rather slender everywhere except for her breasts. Since having Jordan, she’s filled out, and age has added a few pounds, enhancing her femininity. When I met her she was pretty. Now, Zoey’s fucking beautiful. I’ve never come across a more alluring and fitting woman. Ever.
My head falls in surrender to my compounding feelings.
“I want you. I want us to be together finally. I don’t want to play the waiting game. I don’t want to feel guilty about having you. I’m ready. We’re ready.”
At first glance, Zoey’s chest rises. Then she pinches the bridge of her nose, resembling Chesney’s sulking posture earlier.
“You can’t say that. You can’t make me feel like the…Holy Grail after your distancing and manipulation over the years.”
“You drew the fucking wedge! You distanced yourself!” My explosion is more of a cry.
“I HAD TO!” she yells.
Zoey covers her mouth trying to hide her tears.
“I was a child, Stenton! I was vulnerable and in love! I just wanted that connection…that intimacy from you while I figured out life; not have you manipulate the course of it. I would have done anything you asked. Anything, Stenton! No. I didn’t want to get married when we met. But had you taken the time to pay attention instead of plot, you would have seen I wanted more with you than I wanted alone! You were my first lover. You exposed me to so much…your kinks…taught me about my own body. Yeah, the same man that refused to go without condoms even when I was on birth control!” She chuckles mockingly. “You’re unbelievable.”
No! I find myself drawing closer to her. I need to be heard clearly.
“You have no idea how much of an exercise in discipline it has been all these years using a fucking rubber when making love to * you know belongs to you.” Zoey gasps. “No matter what you believe, there was no worse punishment than to know the other piece of your fucking soul could possibly be giving a piece of herself…a piece of you to another man! You’ve accepted an engagement ring from another man. Do you know how tormented I’ve been? I may have been foolish, selfish and manipulative, but I’ve been holding my goddamn breath, too. I’ve suffered, too!”
Catching my breath, I realize I’m in her face, towering her curvy frame. She doesn’t speak, just reads my eyes. I don’t know how long we stay in this position, but I can’t move.
Zoey does. She shifts to strut over to the table to grab her clutch. On her way to the door, she hisses, “Revel in your self-torment. I’m moving forward with my engagement.”
And then she leaves, slamming the door behind her.
Fuck. My. Life.
~~~~~~~~~~
Then
April 2010