“Listen, Zo, about earlier—”
“No,” I assert harsher than intended. “I’m still learning. Still realizing what I put out there. When I made those comments earlier about singlehood being good for all, I didn’t mean it as a slight to you. I should have also clarified myself to explain it wasn’t. Or I could have simply kept my know-it-all mouth shut.” I take a deep breath. “I don’t want to regress, so I’m going to put it out there for the record. I didn’t like us being apart all those years. Mostly, I thought you didn’t want me because I was too young—”
“I’ve always wanted you!” he cautions with big eyes. “Let’s not go there again. There wasn’t a moment I didn’t want you.”
“Let me finish, Stent.” I rest my fingers on his heart shaped lips. “But…also, too many times I wondered if I’d blown my one chance at this whole “soul mate”, “love of my life” crap because of my bull-headedness. I idly wondered if I had scared you off with my anti-traditionalism views. I thought I missed out on that when we left Cayman Islands because the night we got our tattoos, I gave you the lecture about not wanting marriage until I’d “toured” the world. When you started with Erika I wanted you out of my system so bad. I got tired of stalking the internet in search of your next sighting with her. I was sick with envy…and pain over losing you.” My lids collapse. “God, Stenton, when you didn’t touch me in Italy, I thought I’d lost you forever. I thought that was the end of us, that you held no interest in me at all. I thought the only way to combat the pain that I’d caused was to be with another man. With…Jacques, I bypassed the attraction part of seduction. I just went straight for…sex, thinking it would at least keep me from thinking about you and what I’d lost.” I meet his eyes, feeling the tremble of my lips.
“It was awful, Stenton. There was no adoration, no genuine affection. It was just…a one-sided performance. It was over quickly and so was I. I never saw him after that. My plan didn’t work and he couldn’t give me what I really needed. Then when…” I pause to keep the tears at bay. Stenton takes me by the hand and squeezes it as he lay on top of me. It’s comforting and helps with my disclosure. “When I thought Erika was pregnant, I told myself to suck up my jealousy because maybe you could finally get the family you’ve always longed for. I’m sorry for not believing you when you said she’d lied. I was just so angry.”
Licking my lips, I continue. “And when Jenna came into the picture, I just knew you’d found that “mature” woman you couldn’t find in me. I waited for the call, text or email of your engagement announcement.” Stenton’s eyes strain in disbelief. “So much for the know-it-all, right? It was a bad time, too. After Quincy passed, I thought it was time for me to test the waters again with my sex life, so I kinda coerced Bernard. Let’s just say I learned it could get worse than Jacques. There was no…happy ending for me. It was shameful. I tried to trick myself into believing it could get better and that I could teach him, maybe.”
“Teach him what? How to fuck?”
“Well, yeah. You taught me, so I figured I could teach him.” I shrug. Stenton shakes his head. “I know that theory isn’t as fluid as I’ve come to learn over the last few weeks.” I brush my face with my hands and sigh. “So, I’ve shared all of my pathetic, embarrassing, and inept sexual experiences of my singlehood with you to say that I’ve only had this type of passion and fiery chemistry with you. When you bring up the past, it’s a bit humiliating. Don’t get me wrong, the sun did shine on some days when you were gone. I had Jordan, my family, friends, school and businesses. But I didn’t have my StentRo. I had no one to hone my Ni?a skills with.”