At some point during the wee hours of the morning, Stenton dozes off and I lie awake, thinking. Of course, Stenton’s former lovers carousel in my mind. I still feel a pinch of jealousy to know they’ve had this level of intimacy with him—lying bare next to him after rounds of passion—but I don’t feel it’s akin to what I experience with Stenton, and I guess that helps. Oddly, Bernard comes to mind. I really need to speak with him. It feels wrong how abrupt our ending was. Though the decision feels right, the final look in his eyes still haunts me.
After some time of wrestling with that, my pondering turns to my future with Stenton. What will it entail? How soon is he trying to get married? Do I want to get married? I completely and unequivocally want to be with Stenton—forever…whatever that may mean. I want more babies with him…well, maybe just one more, because I want to expand Ni?a’s Sweet Cakes. I wonder how he’ll feel about my plan. Will he be open to me expanding my business when he’s retiring? Will he want my world to slow down because his career is coming to an end?
I’m trying to balance my fears against my needs when Stenton rolls over onto his back and faces me. He’s still asleep—or so I thought until his eyes slowly open and widen as he recognizes mine.
He snorts. “I guess I didn’t put your ass to sleep like I intended.” His thick vocals do something to me. To my core. Is it wrong that I consider it a privilege to be experiencing it with him? Am I viewing him as Stenton Rogers…Number 2 Overall Draft Pick, three-time MVP Awardee, and four-time Champion, Stenton Rogers? “Come here, Ni?a.”
His strong arms pull me on top of him and into his chest. The dim light from the far end of the room illuminates his sexy sleep face. He smiles at me, amused for some strange reason.
“You were making that clicking sound with the back of your throat. I think it turns me on now more than ever.” His unabashed smile slightly exposes his teeth.
I adore this man. I need to not feel guilty about my strong feelings for him. I need to simply accept that I’m in love, uncontrollably, undeniably connected to Stenton.
“I want so much that it could be too much,” I murmur.
“Oh, yeah? Like what?”
“I want you, for starters.” A lazy smile crests upon his face. “I want you for Jordan, of course, but I feel like I need you for me—but not in an I’ll die without you manner…more of an I like the way I feel because of our connection, which makes me more confident in my goals. I feel so protected by you and supported by your side.”
Stenton bursts out in laughter. His chest vibrates beneath me.
“What’s so funny?” I feel my face wrinkle. I’m too raw right now to not be offended.
“You’re such a damn feminist, Zo.”
“No, I’m not!”
“Yes, you are, and it’s cool. Just as long as you understand as my lady, I don’t need the pomp and circumstance for you to simply say you’re in love with me. That you’re enjoying not having control of what you feel for me, and that you’re afraid to let go. There needs to be no articulation or cognition of it. You are in love. You want to be with me. You don’t feel secure in letting go in your mind, but in your heart you have this strong inclination to ride with me. It’s scary as shit, but you wouldn’t change it if you could because it’s organic and feels fucking good.”
Stenton lost his smile words ago.
“How can you be so confident about what I’m feeling?” I argue.
“Because I feel it, too. Don’t you think I have fears of you, with your stubborn independent ways, feeling I’m not enough? That my role as the lover in your life, the leader of your family isn’t going to be enough? I worry about what identity I’ll take on when I retire. I recognize you’re in a different place in your tenure and will go full steam ahead whether I like it or not. I fear you may leave me behind in your next pursuit of taking over the world.”
He brushes a loose lock of hair behind my ear. “But fuck those fears. Win or lose, I’m taking this journey with you, no matter what. I want to be by your side. I’ve only been considering it since that day at the Moorestown Creek country club when you told me you were against marriage.”
My breath caught in my chest. Holy mother of Joseph! Was he thinking marriage back then?