“I hoped that you could forgive me, but I understand. I’ll not ever be able to forgive myself. It’s too soon for you. It’s time for Gregor, Isobel, and Cooper to return home. I plan to travel with them to see Cooper back safely and then return to you here, but perhaps you’d like me to give you some time?”
“Jane.” His hands gripped my arms as he pulled me away from him. “Why do ye think it yer fault?”
I looked at him, not understanding for a moment, believing that he meant to make me feel worse by having me explain it, but I could tell by the pain in his eyes that my words had surprised him.
“Adwen, if I’d not been on the rocks, Orick wouldn’t have been on them either. He wouldn’t have fallen.”
His thumb stroked my cheek gently. “No, lass. Ye have no fault in this. I doona blame ye, and ye shouldna blame yerself. Orick wouldna wish it.”
I started to sob again, and he gathered me in close, allowing me to drench the front of his shirt as he kissed the top of my head. His next words were the worst sort of unexpected blow.
“Ye must of course journey back with the rest of them, though I doona think ye should return.”
“Ever?” I thought I misheard him.
“No. No ever. I am laird, Jane. I must have children of my own.”
“What?” My ears started to ring as I stepped away from him. There’d been no time since Orick’s death to tell him. How could he possibly know?
“Ye canna bear children, can ye?”
“No. How do you know that?” My answer came out choked and raspy, my heart breaking with each passing second. I could understand him blaming me for Orick’s death, but to hear that he didn’t want me after knowing my secret was my worst fear realized.
“Ye mean, how did I find out when ye meant to keep it from me? Callum heard ye tell Isobel yer reason for being on the rocks. He told me. I’m sorry, lass. It canna be between us.”
I brought my hands up to my face and pressed my fingertips against the bridge of my nose and my eyelids. I hoped that when they opened, I would wake up in bed, everything over the last week a horrible dream.
He was mad with grief and lost in a way he didn’t know how to handle. He didn’t mean what he said.
I opened my eyes and breathed in, my body shaking wildly as I struggled to speak. “Adwen, I was going to tell you. I just didn’t want you to be disappointed. It doesn’t matter.” I was angry now, infuriated that his love for me was so easily changeable. “Think very carefully about how you answer this question. Do you mean what you just said? Do you really want me to stay away? Because if you say yes, that is exactly what I will do. I love you and I want to be here with you, but if you say yes, you will never see me on the grounds of Cagair Castle ever again.”
He hesitated briefly. I watched the pain and sadness flicker inside his eyes. For a brief moment, I thought he would reach out to me, pull me close and apologize, but I saw the moment he hardened himself against me.
“Aye, I meant every word.”
CHAPTER 43
Adwen could hear the sounds of them leaving—the neigh of their horses and Cooper’s weepy voice asking where he was. He didn’t move from his room. If he didn’t send her away now, he would never let her leave. She deserved far better than him.
How could she think Orick’s death was her fault? She wasn’t the one to disregard Morna’s warning, to give Isobel the potion against her will. No, Jane did the right thing—she left the decision up to Isobel.
If only he’d done the same, his friend would still be alive. Not that he begrudged Isobel her health, he wanted it as much as anyone within the castle. He just wished he’d known better than to toy with fate.
He was a fool and wasn’t worthy of protecting her—of loving her. Perhaps with time, his heart would be whole enough to love her as she deserved, but now it was too broken and mangled like the body of his beloved friend. Even if he could learn to live without Orick, even if Jane could help him feel love again, he would surely break her heart. It was what he did with women.
The shades remained open just as Jane had left them, and Adwen squinted his eyes against the sunlight as he watched them ride away from the castle. He would miss them all, but it was better that way. He already cared for each of them too much as it was.
He stood by the window until they were past the bridge and no longer in view. At least now, he could roam the entire castle with his grief and not worry about being bothered. He turned to see Callum standing in the doorway.
“’Tis no yet another meal time. I doona care to eat again.”
Callum stared hard at him, the sympathy for him gone, his eyes suddenly angry. “I’m done bringing ye food. Ye are a grown man acting like a child. Do ye think ye are the only one that lost him, Adwen?”
Every mention of Orick’s death was like a punch in the gut. In brief moments, the loss would seem less. Then it would crash down on him until the pain seemed unbearable. “Aye, the others only knew him a few moons.”