I swallowed and breathed hard through my nose, knowing that if I allowed myself to breathe through my mouth, they would hear my shaky, weepy breath and know I was awake. It was far too private a conversation to intrude.
“Because of Gregor?”
“Aye, lad. Ye are still young and it should be a good many years before ye truly understand what I speak of, but I pray that one day ye will find it.”
“Find what?”
I heard Cooper shift beside her and knew by the tussle of the coverings that he had just snuggled in close to her, hunkering down for whatever story she had to tell him. She had his full attention and mine as well.
“The love that Gregor and I have. ’Tis verra rare and ’tis a treasure that far too many believe come guaranteed with marriage vows. Love is no so simple and is no determined by words exchanged. When ye grow a bit older, doona be so foolish to believe the lie that so many tell. Marriage does nothing for love, but ’tis separate from it entirely. Remember that and ye will save yerself and the lassie of yer heart more pain than ye know.”
“But you and Gregor are married.”
“Aye, but we dinna marry because we loved one another. We married so that we could pass through life holding the other’s hand, to help and support one another. Marriage requires a vow, but vows can be broken. Love canna ever be. Once yer heart has truly loved another person, there is no anything—no hate, no betrayal or fear that will take away that love. People may fall out of love, but even that differs from the love I speak. True love may change, but it doesna die.”
“I think I know what you mean about love.”
I smiled at Cooper’s response. I couldn’t wait to hear whatever surprisingly wise little analogy would come out of his mouth. He was whip-smart and could catch onto even the most adult of conversations remarkably fast.
“You talking about how love changes but doesn’t go away made me think of my grandfather. Not my Bebop, I love him more than I can even say. Nothing but just total love. He just gets me, you know? But my Mom’s dad, my grandfather, is different.
“When I was really little, I loved him like crazy. He had a big house with lots of room to play and even a tree house, so I always wanted to be around him. But as I got older, I could see things I didn’t see before. He’s not a very nice person. I don’t really like him but…when I think about him, something gets warm right in the center of my chest, and I know that no matter how mean he is, and no matter how much I don’t really like to see him, I do love him. And when he’s gone, I’ll miss him very much.”
A sniffle escaped me, and I scrambled to turn the noise into a sleepy-like snore. When they didn’t call out to me, I assumed my little gasp had gone unnoticed.
In one brief minute, Cooper had summed up all of the complicated emotions I had about my father that I’d spent the better part of two decades trying to sort through myself. When we returned to McMillan Castle, I planned to enlist the little stinker as my private therapist.
“Aye, ’tis much of what I mean.”
“But it’s even more for you and Gregor. That’s why you’re so sad.”
“Aye. In Gregor, I met the man whose soul understood every bit of my own. From the first day I knew him, he took a piece of me and I took an even larger part of him. I love him more than I love myself, but I know that he needs me more than I do him. ’Tis often that way with men. ’Tis why women, if they survive their childbearing years, often outlive their husbands; we are more resilient than most men, but I doona doubt that ye, wee Cooper, will be the exception. I know that when I die, that part of him will die with me. It breaks my heart to know that my death will leave him broken.”
I thought of Cooper’s Bebop and knew that Cooper had it in him to be the exception Isobel spoke of. His Bebop certainly had been. Despite the heartbreak of his wife’s death, he had carried on and raised one of the finest men I knew.
“Do you want to know what I think about love, Isobel?”
“I do verra much. Please tell me.”
“I think that sometimes when grown-ups love someone so much that they start to take care of them, like you have Gregor, they start to see them as weaker than they are. It’s the same thing with my mom. She’s cared for me my whole life, so even though I’m six, she still sees me as two. Broken things can be fixed. He will be okay someday.”
There was a soft sob from the bed followed by Cooper’s soft shh… to sooth her. I’d heard Isobel cry before, but I’d never known her to allow herself to cry in front of another. Children wielded untold power in their truth-bearing words.
“Shh now, Isobel. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“Ach, ye dinna upset me, Cooper. Ye have done my heart more good than ye know. I am less sad than I once was, and the happiness I feel at that has made me weep.”
“My mom cries when she’s happy too. I don’t really get it. That must be a girl thing.”
Isobel laughed softly. I smiled, my eyes still closed while I feigned sleep.