“And now you’re going on a tour with him. Is this supposed to make me feel good?”
I sit down on the park bench. There are a few kids playing on the jungle gym. This is exactly what Hadley was looking at yesterday when she was stabbing me in the heart. How can something so innocent remind me of pain?
“What do you want me to do?”
“Not go on tour.” The words are out of my mouth before I know I’ve even said them. I close my eyes and wish for the darkness to swallow me up.
“It’s my job.”
“I know it is. I’m angry and upset. I don’t understand any of this. I miss you and the more I think about us and those pictures the more I get pissed off. Things seemed so much simpler when I didn’t know you.”
“Ryan?” her voice cracks. I know my words hurt her, but it’s true. Before her I was just going through life as a blip. Then I met her and things changed. She made me feel alive and wanted. Now I just feel like shit.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. I didn’t have all these feelings before. This wouldn’t be happening if you weren’t famous and I don’t know how to handle all of this. I want to be with you, Hadley, but I’m not sure if you want the same things.”
“I do, so much.”
“It doesn’t feel like it. He had his hands on you and you allowed it. You let him hold you and touch you and I want to fucking scream. I don’t want to share you.”
“I know,” she says softly.
“If you know then why did you let it happen?”
“By the time I realized what was happening, it was too late for me to stop it.”
I lean forward, resting my elbows on my knees. My foot is shaking. If I don’t get off the phone with her soon, I’m going to explode. Maybe I need to hit something to take out this anger. I could ask Dylan to print off one of the photos and tape it to the wall so I can beat the crap out of it.
“I don’t know what you want me to say. I don’t know how to handle all of this. I guess I should be thankful that no one knows about us because I’d be the laughing stock at school.”
“Want me to tell everyone that I’m in love with you? Will that help make this easier for you?”
“Definitely not.”
“Then what, Ryan? Tell me and I’ll do it.”
“I’ve told you, but it’s your job so what I think doesn’t matter. I gotta go.”
“Why?”
“Because Dylan’s here.”
I hang-up before she has a chance to respond. I know it was a dirty thing to say, but I want her to feel the same pain that I’m feeling. Dylan sits down next to me and doesn’t say anything. I lean back and realize she’s a bit closer to me than usual. I don’t move. I let her leg press up against mine. I encourage it, in fact.
CHAPTER 26
Hadley
His voice repeats in my head. You’d think I could remember something more pleasant, but I don’t. I remember only ‘Dylan’. I want to believe that she found him because he’s ditching school and she’s there to be his friend, not the type to move in because she sees that he’s having trouble with me.
Trouble we shouldn’t be having.
I set down my phone and flip on the TV. Cole’s voice sings through the speakers, I change the channel quickly. I don’t want to be accused of enjoying his music while I’m being held captive, which reminds me, I need to call my parents and see what can be done about Ian. I’m not too keen on being kept in my hotel room by my ex; let alone keeping that information from my boyfriend. Somehow I think that had I let that little tidbit of information slip, I’d be single. I know I’d break-up with me if I were Ryan.
I stop on a movie that’s playing. A woman is watching a guy and girl on a park bench. She’s looking at them with tears in her eyes. I pick up my phone and pull up Ryan’s name. His picture stares back at me, so handsome and sweet. I miss him and he needs to know that I do. Words are not enough under these circumstances. I look back at the room where Cole is and know what I have to do.
“Cole?” I yell in my whiny pay-attention-to-me voice. He used to come running when we first started dating, but that soon turned into an eye-roll even though he’d do what I asked of him.
He stands in the doorway, his arms raised over his head as he rests his hands on the door casing above him, causing his shirt to rise above his waistband. I look away. I don’t need to remember what he looks like. I spent years erasing those memories from my mind.
“What do you need, Hadley Girl?” I hate pet names, especially from him. Maybe if Ryan gave me one I wouldn’t care, but the bare whisper of one makes me cringe. I look back at the man that ruined most of me and stick my tongue out, a completely mature act for someone my age.
“I need some water and gum.”
“Since when do you chew gum?”