Living London

chapter Fifteen



Things certainly did not get better. The first day I stayed home, only receiving Amelia for company. No one else came, contrary to Mrs. Trimbleton's prediction. After staying home a few days, I began to feel stir-crazy. Though Mrs. Trimbleton had told me it was unwise, I wanted to get out. I wanted to shout from the rooftop that it was all a lie, but part of me wondered if it really was. By ton standards, I had been compromised when I'd let him kiss me and lead me into the darkness of night.

Morgan wasn't around to help or hinder the situation, so I was alone. Though I kept repeating his words and actions over and over in my head, I couldn't make sense of it. Everything I had been so sure of just a few days ago had been shattered, leaving me lost. Part of me wanted to hope for the best, hoping Amelia's speculation was correct. That maybe, just maybe, Morgan had miscommunicated and rather than asking me to forgive him for leading me on, he was trying to go about everything the correct way. But in his efforts to protect me from himself, he'd thrown me to the wolves.

Doubt fought against hope. It was like fighting a large-scale war in my head and heart. Feeling like a prisoner in my own home, I decided to take a walk in Hyde Park. Even though I purposefully went earlier than the fashionable hour, I saw enough people to give me a taste of my future. Each person I passed turned the other way, ignoring my presence completely, but that wasn't so bad. What was bad was when a few simpering debutantes in their pastel dresses giggled and pointed at me when they thought I wasn't looking, and then gave me the cut sublime when I turned their way.

Another lady spoke loudly as I walked by, ignoring me but making sure I heard her conversation. "Can you imagine? No morals, that one. That's what happens when girls lose their parents. No one to raise them and give them direction. She's no better than a common Cyprian or the Demimonde. Her parents would be so ashamed, dragging their good name through the mud…"

Tears stung my eyes. A new set of ladies saw my expression and began to snicker behind their gloved hands. "It's what she deserves," one commented and turned her face away.

Holding my head up high, I used the last of my courage to walk home, swearing off leaving my home for the rest of eternity. Nothing was worth the humiliation. To think, they had called me a Cyprian, a whore. It was just a kiss! I wanted to scream, but I knew it hadn't been just a kiss. It had been so much more, and my heart was broken. Without pride or hope, I ascended the stairs to my home. Once I got inside the house, I ran upstairs and shut the door.

No, nothing had gotten better.

The next day wasn't as bad because I refused to leave the house… not that I had anywhere to go. Days ago I stopped receiving invitations. Three days passed, then a week.

One visitor came, but I refused to see him — Lord Haymore. After he'd almost assaulted Wains in his anger at my refusal, I finally agreed to hear him out. Preening, he generously offered to marry me and make me respectable once more. At my immediate refusal, his face grew red, and I actually hoped he'd have a heart attack on the spot. He then tried another ploy, playing to my independent nature, as he called it. He promised me a marriage in name only, but I wasn't about to believe him. He finally removed himself once I explained in very specific terms that I would rather rot in the Tower of London than marry him. He had been my last visitor. I hadn't heard from anyone after that, not even Amelia.

Lying down in my bed on the eighth day, I hit rock bottom. The only bright spot in the past few days had been a small note from the Dannberry brothers. The two words gave me a trembling smile as I read them. "Chin up." I'd wanted to reply and say thank you, but Mrs. Trimbleton had advised against it, saying I could cause more scandal sending a note to two bachelors when in my position. With tears threatening to spill once again, I reached for a handkerchief.

Nanna, you were wrong. I cried, missing her even more than the day I'd buried her fragile body. There's nothing for me here, nothing. Worse, there's nothing for me back home either.

I sobbed, thinking about how pathetic my life had become. At least back home I wasn't a social outcast — rather, people didn't even know I existed. Being ignored was much better than being maligned, hated, lied about, and most of all unloved. I couldn't think about Morgan. Falling in love with him had been epically stupid and I cursed my gullible heart for falling so easily for his charm. He really was a rake, and not the reformed kind.

My romance books were so wrong. The people were cruel, love was rare, and I didn't want to be here anymore. The perfect little imaginary world Nanna and I had made with our silly books had crumbled around me, reminding me that nothing lasted. Not life, not love, nothing. I wanted to go home. I wanted to leave this all behind. I tried. I tried so hard, Nanna. Needing an escape, I made my way down to the library to find a good book. Even if it was just for a few hours, I needed to think of something else, someone else, and get lost in another world rather that my own pathetic one.

The library was one of my favorite rooms, for obvious reasons. The fire burned low in the grate, but its heat gave a warm welcome to the room. I searched the shelves, contemplating and wishing I had a Julia Quinn or Rachel Van Dyken novel, but I knew that was impossible. Neither author had been born, and wouldn't be for a few hundred years. But what I did find made me smile — Persuasion. I clutched the beloved book to my chest.

Oh, Nanna, if you only knew. If you were only here now… I took the book over to the comfortable chair next to the fire and flopped into it, dangling my leg over the armrest in a very unladylike manner. For a brief moment, I contemplated moving into a more proper position, but I was done with the prim mannerisms. They hadn't gotten me anywhere. I flipped open the book and began to read.

After an hour, I'd reached one of my favorite scenes when I noticed ink stains that had bled through the next page. Flipping the page quickly, I noticed the stains were deeper on the next page. I could almost read the reversed letters. I turned to the next page and saw, in bold ink, a familiar script that made my heart skip a beat.

"Nanna?" I breathed before beginning to read the bold note.

Choices. Life is full of them, but they all lead us home one way or another. The choices we make simply determine how we reach our destination. You have yours, Jocelyn. If you wish, you may return. Simply put on the same gown that got you here. But if you wish to stay, replace the book and don't look back, because you won't get the opportunity. You must always look forward. But remember, often the hardest decisions are difficult because fear chokes out courage. Remove the fear and follow your heart. That will lead you home by the most perfect path.

Leaning back, I closed my eyes and thought over her words. They caressed my mind like a gentle hug, and my heart healed just the tiniest bit. I took a deep breath, feeling the weight of the decision press upon my shoulders. My first response was to run upstairs and put on the dress as quickly as possible. But I knew that I'd only be running away from my problems. If I would have read the note just a day before Morgan had left, I would have been severely tempted to disregard any idea of returning home but not so much now. Now I didn't know if I had any reason to stay, but it hurt to know I didn't have anything to return to either.

Nanna, what do I do? I mentally pleaded. As I stared into the fire, I tried to think of a legitimate reason to leave, one that didn't result from fear.

Reading the words again, I stopped at the part where she told me to follow my heart. A cynical laugh escaped my lips. I did, and look where it got me. Nanna would understand if I gave up and went home.

Playing with the fringe of my house robe, I absently contemplated what would happen if I did choose to leave. I could always search my name on the Internet and find out what happened… I grinned at the thought. Ahh, I did miss technology. I wonder what I'd discover, or even if there would be any historical account at all. Perhaps the unconventional heiress Jocelyn Westin simply disappeared… or maybe it would be as if I had never existed in this time at all.

But back in my own time, would people miss me? With a whimpering realization, I admitted the truth to myself. I'd be missed more here, in a foreign time, in spite of people calling me a harlot, than I would be back home. But was that enough of a reason to stay?

The debate continued in my mind for some time. Still unsure, I ascended the stairs and went to my room. As I stood before my wardrobe, a small smile lifted the corner of my lips. Wardrobe. The key to my future was in a wardrobe. Immediately I thought of C.S. Lewis's books.

With a small shake of my head at the irony, I opened the doors and searched for the dress. The soft whispers of fabric filled me with an odd nostalgia. I would miss wearing these dresses. Oh, I still dreamed of denim and T-shirts, but the feminine flow of a dress had been a welcome change. No matter the weather or occasion, I simply felt more beautiful in a dress. I would miss that if I left. Though dresses were not completely uncommon in my own time, they were nothing like the gowns I wore here.

When I found the right dress, I took it out and thought how strange it was that I hadn't chosen to wear it again since I had arrived. While there were plenty of clothes in the wardrobe, I had worn other dresses multiple times, yet I overlooked this particular one. Would it have worked? If I had put it on randomly, would I have found myself home, lying on my bed and wondering if it all had been a strange dream?

I shook my head. Because I'd never know. I carried the dress over to my bed. After I laid it out, I ran my hand over the beautiful fabric, then closed my eyes and took a deep breath before I began to undress. With each layer I removed, the tension in my belly grew. Perhaps it was fear or maybe an instinct telling me I was making the wrong choice, but I paused as I lifted up the heavy material.

I wanted to say goodbye. As my mind quickly brought up pictures of Libby, Mrs. Trimbleton, Amelia, even Lord Rake and the Dannberry brothers, I realized how cowardly it was to leave them all without even saying goodbye. The final face that my memory displayed sent a sharp pain through my chest. Morgan. Could I simply walk away without any regrets? No. Because even the barest hope was enough. I thought I had given up completely. My heart whispered that I still was holding on to a thread of hope that somehow the mess would work out. Love truly does conquer all, even fears… especially fears. And regardless of what Morgan had said, the truth was I loved him. I couldn't give up yet.

After lowering the dress back onto the bed, I laid down and rested. With my eyes closed, I tried to sort out my conflicting emotions before I fell into a dreamless sleep.