CHAPTER Ten
When supper were over Gisbourne caught my elbow and held me in a fair wolf’s trap, dragging me out the hall, moving faster than the rest. It were a few
twists and turns before we weren’t in a crowd, and he pushed me ahead.
“God damn you!” he growled. “You and your filthy, proud mouth! I will be made to pay for that, and by hell so will you.”
“I did what you asked!” I snapped. “I spoke well, didn’t I? I didn’t stab no one.”
He pushed me again and I tripped over the skirts, hitting the wall, and he slammed his whole body behind mine so it stole away my breath. I reached out
to fight him, to grab my knife, but he trapped my arms. I struggled hard, fair panicked now, but it didn’t matter, didn’t make him move.
“I could take you, Marian,” he threatened low in my ear. He bit my neck and I shook and struggled more, trying to be free of him. I ain’t never felt
so trapped, so weak. He had my name, and every moment more he were taking my courage from me. He were taking everything I had from me. “I could bind you
to me forever with the duty a husband is entitled to from a wife. I could give you a scar to match your wedding present. I could beat you until you
remember your place, your promise.” His teeth sank into my ear and I cried. “Pick one.”
“Is this what your honor means to you?” I asked, but my voice weren’t much there and shaking besides. “Will this make you feel bigger in the eyes of
the prince?” I drew a breath. “Or is it the princess you want to impress?”
His hand slammed the wall beside my head and he roared, “Pick one!”
Moving his hand meant he let go a bare shadow of a bit, but it were all I needed. I jerked out from him and pulled my knife. He stopped himself quick
when he saw it, and his eyes went narrow.
Good. If all I had were his fear of a blade in my hand, that were enough.
Voices rose up in the hall behind him, and Gisbourne turned.
I ran for the nearest window, ready to fling myself out if need be.
It weren’t needed to fling. Gisbourne were at least a few moments behind, and I climbed out on the ledge and onto the posts that stuck out the side of
the wall. I hated that my hand meant I weren’t much good for climbing. I hated the skirts that twisted up my legs. A few shaky leaps more brought me
over to a stone trough and I jumped onto that and down.
I went for the wall and stood at the base of it, staring up. It were high and I were already weak, the shivers that Gisbourne started not nearly out of
me yet.
Coming round the side and bitter with cold, I wondered what to do about the guards. I couldn’t much climb past them, and my head weren’t working proper
enough to figure out a better plan. Moments came and went, and I were just colder and colder yet.
Looking to the residences, I wondered if I had to go back. If I had to return to him in his foul temper in that thimble of a room. I stepped forward,
then stopped. Weren’t nothing that way but pain and trouble. How could I go back?
“My lady,” the guards said.
I turned. They stepped their heels together in an awful clamor.
I walked toward them slow, careful, and they kept their watch.
Walking past them, every step got more quick as I realized they full meant to let me walk out unbothered. It seemed there were something I could like
about being a noblewoman after all.
The guards at the base of the castle opened the gates for me, and gave me a horse and a cloak besides. I could bare stammer out my thanks, stunned stupid
with surprise.
I rode out into the night, heading straight for Edwinstowe. The horse bore me more quick than my feet would, and the beast took me through the narrow
wooded path that led to the monastery. I dismounted and left the horse in the yard, going to the warming room.
I stopped at the door, my hand trembling near the latch, remembering the last time I were in there.
My hand made its decision and the latch tripped, the door opening and the warmth running over me. The three boys stopped. They weren’t asleep yet, and
for one horrible breath, I wondered if in skirts and a noble’s kit I didn’t belong here.
“Christ, it’s good to see you, Scar,” Much said, bounding over to me and hugging me.
John were next, lifting me off the floor with his big arms.
Then he let me go and Robin were there, and the part of me that weren’t much tough at all, the part that loved him and were terror-struck at Gisbourne
rose up, and tears jumped from my eyes.
He caught me close, tucking me tight into his chest till it felt like my own chest, till it felt like he drew breath and it ran through me to make me
strong. “They can’t see,” he whispered in my ear. “Cry as much as you need to, Scar. I won’t let them see.”
His arms strapped closer around me and gave me their strength. “I am so scared of him, Rob,” I whispered soft, rubbing his neck with my words.
“You’re all right,” he murmured, his hands like running water down my back to draw my pain away. “You’re with me now. And if you want, you don’t
ever have to go back there.”
“Just hold on to me a bit longer,” I breathed into his neck, the skin hot and damp with tears.
He nodded, and I thanked God for his calm heart.
I held him till my breath ran steady and I could bear to untwine my arms from him. As I let go, I looked at his face and I knew in a heartbeat he weren’
t calm at all. He were furious, rage and steel and hellfire in his eyes, but he were calm for me. He gave calm to me so I could be strong.
“So,” I asked, giving a bare smile, “what’s the plan?”
“Thoresby’s been allowed to compete,” Much said, “but he can’t beat much of anything in an archery contest. He’s truly a terrible shot.”
“The obvious thing is just to dress Rob up like Thoresby,” John said, “but he doesn’t want to do it.”
“I’m working with him,” Rob said. “He’s getting better.”
“He’s not really,” said Much. “But I’m trying to figure some sort of arm band to make his aim better.”
“Why won’t you just stand in for him?” John asked. “You’ll be in a coat and scarf and such anyway. We could make you pass. Dammit, Rob, it’s the
simplest plan.”
“No, it isn’t,” Rob said quiet. “We all know what’s happening to me and I can’t be counted on for much. Besides, if they catch me, he’s
disqualified entirely. And I’ll be killed.”
I threaded his fingers through mine and squeezed. It weren’t like I would ever let that pass.
“I’ll see what I can pick up about the others,” I said.
“Gisbourne’s a good shot,” John said. “We know that.”
I nodded. “I think that’s why Prince John chose this. Gisbourne claims it were promised to him, and I think the prince is just making a show and giving
it to Gisbourne anyway.”
“All we’ve got is Thoresby,” John said with a sigh. “I don’t think it will be enough.”
Gripping Rob tight, I stepped forward. “It has to be enough. Our people have gone through hell and more under the last sheriff. If Gisbourne is sheriff
we won’t never be free.”
“We’ve gone through hell,” John growled. “And we have nothing to show for it. I’m beyond weary of all of this.”
“We’re close, John,” I told him. “Things will be different with Thoresby.”
“Things are never different,” he said, and stared at the fire.
“You lot go to sleep,” Rob said. “Scar, are you going back tonight?”
My pipes ran thick, and I swallowed. I had to, didn’t I? “Yes,” I said soft.
“I’ll walk you back.”
He let go of my hand for a moment to pull on a cape and boots, and even that small bit of him I wanted back. It returned swift, and his fingers pressed
into mine, gloveless and warm.
He tugged a slight bit and I followed him.
“Bye, Scar,” Much said.
“I’ll be up at the castle for the tournament tomorrow, Scar,” John said. “I’ll look in on you.”
I wanted to snap that I weren’t a baby or some small thing that needed looking after, but it weren’t the truth. I missed the band. I missed feeling
safe and looked after. I nodded at John and left, tucking Rob’s arm closer to me.
We stepped into the cold dark and it felt sweeter with him beside me, like instead of dying the world had made space for the two of us. Going to the yard
I took the reins of the horse, pulling him along with us as we walked.
“What happened tonight, Scarlet?” Rob asked me.
I turned my face into his shoulder against the thought. “Not worth thinking on, Rob. Are you still not sleeping?”
“I’ve slept a little,” he said. “Never for very long at a time. The monks said that might help.”
“And it has?”
He nodded. “The nightmares start and I wake up. I don’t slip into them.”
“But they’re still there.”
“They’ve always been there, Scar. I cheated them for as long as I could.”
“I had nightmares when I were younger, when my sister died. They went away after a time.” After I met you, I knew with a start. I hadn’t put that
together before. And now he had nightmares, and I couldn’t put a balm on his mind the way he had mine.
His arms rubbed along me, warming me like fire. “I’m trying for you, Scar. I’m trying to find a way out of them.” His voice were whisper soft and the
night ate it up. “I keep thinking about that night, when I hurt you. How much worse it could have been. And if we ever—I mean, in the chance that we
ever have a family—” His voice stopped, and he were swallowing, over and over, like whatever were stuck wouldn’t go down.
Family. That meant children, didn’t it? Babies. It made shivers and gooseflesh run over my body. For so long I had never thought I were meant for that,
but Rob … I could see our family clear as water. Strong sons with Rob’s eyes and moppy little girls with my sister’s gold hair. Rob with them all
bundled up in his arms.
“Rob,” I said soft. “You tried your damnedest to kill me, but you didn’t. You couldn’t, and I wouldn’t let you. So if this thing is always chasing
you, I wouldn’t never let you hurt a family. But you will fight this. Can’t you tell me what you see, when you dream?”
He shuddered. “Tell me what happened tonight.”
“You’ll lose your temper,” I told him soft.
“And if I tell you the nightmares,” he said, pulling me close and tucking his head to mine, “you might lose your love for me.”
“Never,” I swore.
“It’s always the Crusades,” he whispered into my ear. Despite being so much like what Gisbourne had done earlier, this made my skin blush warm and my
heart beat fast. “There was so much fighting, Scarlet. So much death. And so much of it I was responsible for. And when I dream, I’m fighting still.”
I knew that weren’t but a bit of it; he would never fear to lose my love over such a thing. I knew he fought. I knew he killed. But it were enough for
now.
“Tell me what happened,” he said, his lips brushing cold onto my cheek.
“I’m afraid of Gisbourne,” I said, my voice twisted and small. “He threatened me, and it were pure awful, Rob. The court made their cruel words, and
Gisbourne were more than bothered by it.” I shook my head. “People have talked foul about me for so long, Rob, I bare notice it anymore. But he hates
it. And he makes me pay for it.”
“People who don’t know you, Scar. Those that know you wouldn’t ever speak badly of you.”
“You don’t think?” I whispered.
He drew my hand up, kissing my fingers. “No.”
I held tight to his hand but pulled away a bit, tugging him to walk. “You didn’t lose your temper,” I noticed.
“Love,” he said soft, his thumb running over the bumps of my knuckles. “If I can keep my temper when you come to me and cry and I want to kill anyone
that’s ever wronged you, trust me, I can stay calm when you just need someone to tell about it.” He pulled me closer again and kissed my temple, my
cheek. “Besides,” he said, “something tells me you’re not explaining the worst of it.”
“I just feel lost,” I said. “In skirts and trying to talk a way that ain’t natural. Trying to be something I’m not—for him.”
He pulled me to him, hands running ’neath the guard’s cloak and over my sides, my hips. My body felt different in a dress, in the castle; my legs weren
’t for running, my arms weren’t for climbing, my waist seemed important in a way it ain’t never been. In the forest, my middle were the part of me
that were most soft without muscle or bone, so it needed to be protected, covered, hidden. In the castle it were on display, but it still felt like a
weak spot. Vulnerable, which weren’t a thing I much liked.
But Rob’s hands on my waist felt like a thrill, like it were close and hidden, a secret place for him to touch. I let the reins drop as he kissed me and
my body sparked over with fire like dry kindling. I pushed him back a bit against a tree, my hand desperate to touch a single part of him.
My hand slipped under his cloak, under his tunic and his shirt to bunch them up a bit. My hand were cold as it went, but I pushed it flat over his heart
and let the heavy beat push warm into my hand. That was what I wanted from him.
His hands overcame the little pins in my hair, and he ran his fingers through the long bits, through the short fluff in back, over and over again.
I had heard enough girls—most yapping about John—say that a kiss made them stupid, blind to the world with every sense fair gone. And true, I hadn’t
kissed enough to well compare, but Rob’s kiss made every bit of me thrum with life, with hot and blood. It made me feel brighter and taller and in these
dark days, it were like a magic draught to shore up my strength.
I left his lips to press a kiss by his heart. “I love you, Robin,” I whispered to him.
His arms pulled tight round me, pressing me to him, forging us like metal. “Don’t go,” he whispered to me. “I can’t do it, Scar, I can’t send you
back there to him. To more hurt.”
Shivers ran over my spine. “I don’t want to go,” I told him. “But Rob, I want to marry you. And that’s more than the rest.”
“He’ll never give us an annulment,” Rob breathed. “We can’t trust the likes of him.”
“No,” I told him, gripping him tighter. “We can’t. But God knows I weren’t meant for him, Rob, and we’ll get this annulment somehow.”
I nudged his face with my nose until he brought his mouth down to mine for another kiss like magic potion. I needed some unholy kind of strength and
courage to walk away from him.
He broke it off with a heavy sighing. “I love you, Scarlet. Go on, now, before you steal my sanity too,” he said.
“Too?” I questioned.
His grin by the moon were wicked and handsome. “Thief of my heart.”
I tugged him close and kissed him once more. “Thinking better of walking me back?” I asked him soft, a little sad.
He sighed ’gainst my mouth. “You’ll be faster on the horse, and honestly, I don’t think I can watch you walk back into that castle.”
“They just let me come and go. It’s mad,” I said, smiling.
His thumb ran over my cheek. “You’re a noblewoman. They can’t keep you out. Or in.”
I shrugged. “I were a noblewoman before, they kept me out just fine.”
He laughed. “Yes, you were very clear about that fact before.”
Rob kissed me once more and helped me on the horse—it weren’t half as easy in skirts—and stood back ’gainst the tree as he spurred on the horse. I
watched Rob as the horse trotted on, his white shirt bright in the moon and standing like a light in the trees.
Soon the forest covered him up, and I went back to Nottingham, alone.