I chucked my phone onto the seat next to me. “Fuck,” I muttered as my fingers gripped tight on the steering wheel.
It seemed unnatural to hate a parent. It was. I knew it was. But hate was only one thing I felt for the man, and it was the simplest of what I felt, so I tended to let it supersede the rest. Because in addition to hating my dad, I also just really, really wanted to love him. I wanted what I was supposed to have. I wanted the idea of what that relationship was supposed to look like. But I’d given up thinking I would ever have those things a long time ago. I’d been short changed. There was no doubt. And yes, I was absolutely capable of feeling sorry for myself because of it at times.
I finally pulled out of the parking lot again and headed home. I was ready to be in that beautiful place again. I needed the glossy image of that pretty life with Helene. And I knew the moment I saw her, I’d feel it—the possibility of it.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Helene
“Well… I must say…” Hilde walked around, studying her surroundings as she moved. “…I like it. I remember being in here once when we were kids, and this… Well, this is a change for the better for sure.” Hilde opened the fridge, placing the Tupperware of chicken salad on the shelf and then placing the bag of croissants on top of the fridge. Her eyes continued to rove the entire time.
“He does good work—really good work,” I agreed as I watched her. The idea of Hilde and Kane getting along was a bit of a secret fantasy of mine, and seeing Hilde genuinely impressed with him almost made me giddy.
“These cupboards are amazing,” Hilde said as she ran her hand along the edge of a drawer front. “What are the countertops going to be?”
“A charcoal gray soapstone. It’s supposed to be delivered on Monday. He really is close to having this wrapped up.”
Hilde turned to look at me, and then she did it. She destroyed the giddy. “And then what?”
I stared at her. “And then what what?”
“He moves in with you after he sells the place?”
I stared at her, trying to hide the excitement I’d felt only moments before and feeling completely dejected. I finally shrugged. “I don’t know.”
Hilde nodded slowly. “Huh.”
“Huh?”
“Just, huh.” She turned away, wandering toward the living room. “So … how do you see this playing out between you two?”
The excitement was officially gone, and I gaped at her for a moment before following her into the living room. “Hilde … how could I possibly know that?”
“I just mean, do you see yourself with someone like Kane for the rest of your life?”
“Gee, Hil, could you be more judgmental? Someone like Kane? Does the emphasis on his name mean something in particular?” My voice was getting louder by the second.
“You’re a doctoral student, Helene. He’s a … a high school dropout without a job. As your sister and someone who loves you dearly, I want to know how this works for the two of you. I watched this man nearly destroy you once already.” Hilde’s voice was now as loud as mine, and when I glanced to her eyes, it was to see tears in them, but her expression remained angry. “And then he just shows up, and … and all is forgotten?” Her voice was shrill.
“No!” I snapped back. “Nothing, and I mean nothing, is forgotten with us. We live in our past every day.” A tear trickled down my cheek, and I brushed it angrily away.
“Not usually a very good place to dwell.”
I glared at her until she finally looked down, sighed, and shook her head.
“You don’t have any idea what it was like,” she continued, her voice far quieter. “Every day I worried mom and dad were going to call, and that was going to be it. I thought … she’s going to kill herself. Every time the phone rang, I knew it was going to be about you.” She shrugged. “I don’t know how to forgive him for that.” Hilde shook her head, brushing away her own tears that had finally fallen. “If he hurts you again…” She trailed off as her eyes wandered, but her head was still shaking.
“Hilde… You need to understand something. Kane’s leaving played an exceptionally small part in what I went through at that time. It isn’t fair to blame him for what happened to me. He wasn’t the reason. He just wasn’t.”
Hilde’s eyes shifted back and forth between mine, searching for some hidden truth I wasn’t willing to divulge.
“What does that mean?” She practically whispered out the question.
I looked away, refusing to speak.
“Why won’t you talk about this?”
My eyes were already warm, and when Hilde’s glossed over again, mine did too. “It was a long time ago.”