He passed by the side road that would lead to his house, and he continued on down the winding, curving highway through the hills. I knew what was out here, or more accurately what used to be, and as we neared the old gravel lot, my heart sped, and my breaths came in short choppy gasps. He was right. This wasn’t going to be easy. I hated even driving by this place, and the very thought of pulling over and stopping for longer than a second was causing a shit storm of panic to course through me.
When he slowed as we approached the empty gravel lot, I looked at him. “Kane…?”
He reached over and took my hand, and he squeezed it. But he didn’t look at me, and he pulled in regardless of my hesitation. He drove to the center of the lot, exactly where the old gas station used to sit, and he pulled to a stop, turning my car off.
He was silent, and I stared at my lap rather than look around. I didn’t want to see where we were. I didn’t want to feel what this place felt like. It was hell. And I didn’t need to look at it to be hurt by it.
“I knew I shouldn’t…” He finally spoke as he looked at me. “It wasn’t my intention to get involved with you—not with my…” He shrugged.
I glanced at him but looked back down, trying to hide the hurt.
He squeezed my hand. “Please look at me.”
I didn’t want to. There would be no hiding the pain when he saw my eyes swimming in tears, and I was feeling just vulnerable enough I didn’t want to share that with him. But when I didn’t look back right away, he released my hand, reached for my chin, and turned my face toward him. He smiled, but his eyes were as glossy as mine.
“But I knew I might never get the chance to see you again, and I couldn’t imagine a lifetime without that.” He ran his thumb across my chin. “And then…” He shook his head as he looked down at my lap. “And then I touched you.” He looked back up at me. “And it felt so good. God, you can’t imagine how good it feels.” His eyes kept shifting away nervously and then moving back to me. He was terrified. “I fell in love with you the very second I wrapped my arms around you in your classroom on that first night. And I knew … I’d made a mistake.”
A tear ran down my cheek, and he brushed it away, his lips pulling up in a sad smile.
“How do you give up something like this?” He studied my eyes but his lips were trembling. “I thought … I could stay for you. I could do this as long as I had you. I could live a life with you and not destroy us. But … it’s not your job to heal me. And that pressure is unfair to place on you when there’s no hope that you ever could. Because the fact of the matter is … you didn’t break me. I did.” He looked around, and a huff of breath left him as he took in our surroundings. “This place…” He shook his head, still letting his eyes rove. “…is a living, breathing reminder of what I—”
“Then we’ll leave together. Why can’t we do that?”
He smiled as his focus returned to me. “I’ve been running away for eleven years. I’m tired, Hell. And it doesn’t work.”
“But… You are running away.” I stared at him trying to figure him out. “If you’re leaving and you love me, then why can’t I come with you?”
He took a deep breath. “Because you can’t go where I’m going. You don’t belong there.”
I shook my head, trying to work out the words he was saying. He watched me, not elaborating in the least, and he finally put the key in the ignition and started the car. I just gaped at him, trying to keep the panic in check. I couldn’t take any more pain from this man, but for some reason, I knew more was coming.
He pulled out, heading away from the turnoff for his dad’s house. It was still foggy, and we drove slowly through a blanket of misty gray air. He didn’t accelerate to the speed limit, and I figured out quickly why. He pulled in at the old Sleepaway Motel. It had been vacant for years. The strip of ten rooms backed up to the thick woods behind it, and over the years, those woods seemed to have encroached and wrapped around the structure.
There were twists of brambles pressing in around the exterior walls, and the entire place looked ghostly and desolate—not that it had ever been a show stopper. Most of the windows were boarded over, and the ones that weren’t had been at one point, and the planks still laid on the ground.
Kane turned the car off, but before he opened the door to get out, he took a deep breath, and his fingers tightened on the steering wheel. I watched him, confused and horrified at the same time. When I reached for his hand, he peeled his fingers from the steering wheel. His fingers trembled as he fumbled with mine, and when I glanced at his face, the tendons in his neck were strained tight, and he was panting as though he were unable to get his lungs to work.
He looked at me, and it was pure panic I saw. He reached for my cheek, clutching against my jawline and pulling my face close to his. He kissed me, but his lips trembled, and I could feel the panting, shuddering breaths touching my mouth with each quick exhalation.
“You promised,” he whispered. “Just love me a little while longer. Okay?”
I nodded. “Kane…”