I never stood a chance in that bar, all those months ago.
I straighten my spine, gather my frustration close, and hold onto it tight with both hands. “Have you been sleeping in the barn?” It snaps out of me quick as a whip. Apparently I’m more annoyed about it than I thought.
“No,” he answers. His deep voice is even and calm, but he doesn’t look me in the eye. “I’ve been sleeping at the house.”
“When?” I shoot back.
“At night.”
I set my hands on my hips. His eyes narrow, studying the stack of spare tires behind me like it’s the most interesting thing he’s ever seen.
“Beckett.”
His eyes reluctantly crawl back to mine.
“I’ve been getting in late. I’ve been—” he hesitates, so clearly looking for an excuse I have to fight not to roll my eyes. “I’ve got a project.”
“A project.”
He shifts on his feet like a man with something to hide. “Yes.”
“Is that project avoiding me?”
“No,” he draws out the word like it has a thousand vowels at the end of it, gazing over my shoulder at the open door with naked longing. I bet he’s fantasizing about running right out into the hills. “It’s—well, it’s complicated.”
This conversation is ridiculous. “Try me.”
He opens his mouth and nothing comes out. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone at such a loss for words.
“It’s a duck,” he finally manages.
A group of farmhands walk past the open door, their laughter carrying into the small space. I blink at Beckett and he stares right back. Is he serious? “A what?”
“I’m trying to figure out where I can put a duck,” he mumbles. His words are tucked under his breath and I have to strain to hear what he’s saying.
“And you can only do that in the middle of the night?”
“Ah, I don’t—” He lets his arms fall by his sides. I focus on the vine tattoo that curls from his wrist and around his broad forearm, all the way to his elbow. There are small white flowers on it, a new addition since the last time I saw him. “I thought you’d prefer it that way.”
“You thought I’d prefer you sneaking around?”
He nods.
“When did I give you that impression?”
He doesn’t say anything in response, hands clenching at his sides. I sigh and press two fingers against the ever-present headache between my eyes.
“I’ve been trying to talk to you,” I explain. “I found a rental in Rehoboth. I can be out of your place in two days, once it becomes available.”
It’ll be a pain to drive back and forth from the coast, but it’s better than—whatever this is.
His face crumples in confusion. “You’re leaving?”
I don’t understand why he cares, considering he’s seen me for a combined twenty-eight minutes since I’ve arrived and he’s—hiding in storage sheds, apparently. I nod and slip my hands into my back pockets, rocking back on my heels.
He considers me quietly. Here in the muted light, his eyes look moss green. Dark and deep. “Did you find your happy, then?”
“What?”
He takes a step forward and reaches for a towel, wiping his hands on it with quick, practiced movements. His whole face is angled lines, a frown twisting everything down. “The first night you were here, you said something about looking for your happy. Did you find it?”
I’m surprised he remembers, but I guess I shouldn’t be. Beckett has always been good with the details.
“Bits of it.” Gus and Monty dancing at the fire-station. A sausage and cream cheese biscuit. The smell of fresh blooming jasmine at Mabel’s greenhouse.
Handwritten notes next to the coffee machine.
He gives me a critical look. “You don’t sound sure of it.”
“Because I’m not,” I say. I still don’t have answers to the questions buzzing in the back of my head. I still don’t have a solution to my burnout problem. “But I’m not going to have you sneaking around your own house while I figure my stuff out.” I shrug up one shoulder. “The place in Delaware is fine.”
Beckett tosses his towel back on the metal shelf and props his hands on his hips. I know he’s not doing it on purpose, but his arms flex with the movement, his inked biceps straining at the sleeves of his t-shirt. I have no idea what he was doing that caused him to sweat so much, but I’d like to pen a thank you note.
“Stay here,” he says in his gruff voice—his bossy voice—a voice that’s used to getting what it wants out here on the farm. His hand rubs at his jaw, his fingertips fanned out under his left eye. He looks tired. “Stay at the house. I’ll stop—“
“Avoiding me? Being weird?” I think for a second, voicing a suspicion. “Sleeping in your greenhouse?”
“I haven’t been sleeping in my greenhouse.”
Okay, well. He’s been doing those other things.
“I won’t stay here if it’s like this,” I tell him quietly, the fight draining out of me. “I didn’t come here to mess with your life. I wanted a little perspective and this seemed like the best place for it.”
Now I’m not so sure. I’ve been topsy-turvy since I set foot in Inglewild.
“Stay,” he says again, and he nods towards the open door. Some of the apprehension melts out of his eyes. There’s a softness there, a bit of understanding. For a second, he’s that man from Maine again. The one that tangled his fingers in my hair and pressed his lips so sweetly to mine. But then he blinks and the recognition is gone.
He grabs his hat off the shelf.
“I’ve gotta wrap up a few things and then I’ll come up to the house. I won’t be—” a smile twitches at the corners of his lips. “I won’t be weird.”
True to his word, Beckett appears about an hour later. I hear the roll of gravel in the driveway and the heavy stomp of boots up the porch steps before he swings through the front door, a guarded look on his face when he spots me sitting at his kitchen table. I rest my chin in my hand and watch as he toes his boots off and places them carefully next to mine.
“I’m making soup,” he tells me.
He says it like he expects a fight.
“Okay.”
He takes two slow steps down the hallway, closer to the kitchen. “It’s Maryland crab.”
“That sounds nice.”
He eyeballs me as he opens the fridge, one arm braced on the door, palm flat against the freezer. I try not to notice the stretch of his t-shirt. “You’re not allergic to shellfish, are you?”
It’s strange that I know what this man sounds like when he comes and the shape his fingertips leave on my hips, but when it comes to the simple things—allergies, coffee-to-creamer ratio, sock folding preference—we’re both flailing in the dark.
A different kind of intimacy, I suppose.
“I’m not allergic to shellfish.”
“Good.” He ducks his head down into the fridge and begins to pull things out—tomatoes, onions, chicken stock, two containers of crab meat, a stalk of celery—and stacks them on the counter. He drops a cutting board, a knife, and an onion in front of me.