I clicked “End” and let the phone slide out of my hands. As it tumbled down the stairs, I wailed. I wonder how many people saw me that day, and what they thought.
I still don’t know how Tosha got to me. Maybe I told that woman her name, and she went through my phone and called the last number I dialed. Either way, Tosha lifted me off those stairs an hour later and drove me back to our dorm room.
When we got to my room she got out my pajamas.
“You’ll be more comfortable in these,” she said as she walked back to my bed. I don’t remember telling her about Ryker or Lucas, but I must have.
I was staring through space as she helped me take off my shirt. I don’t think I’d blinked in a half hour. Suddenly, Tosha’s hand was around my left arm. I slowly raised my eyes to hers—she looked horrified as she stared at faded red cuts. Some of them would be scars. I couldn’t stop after that last phone call with Ryker. I tried. But I couldn’t. Now, I couldn’t hide it.
“Jesus, Natalie, what the hell happened?”
I bawled my eyes out as I released the last several months of my internal hell onto Tosha. She held my head against her shoulder as I cried; recounting the first time I cut all the way through to the last time.
“Do you want me to call someone?” she asked. “Do you need help?”
I sat up and shook my head. “No. Ryker’s on his way home. Everything will be fine, now. Please don’t tell anyone, especially him. It’ll all be good, now . . .”
Stupid girl.
*
Running through the parking garage connected to Thorne’s, I find my car, get in, and race home. It’s after seven. Shit. I didn’t intend on staying out this late, I hope Eric isn’t mad.
“Hey,” I whisper as I walk into the apartment. Luckily, he got the boys to bed on time.
“Hey you.” He smiles and walks over to me, grabbing my face and hitting me with a passionate kiss.
“Mmm,” I moan onto his lips. Everything else aside, this man is one hell of a kisser.
I back him onto the couch, where I straddle him as he sits. I keep our lips together; it keeps the past at bay.
“Oh, Natalie . . .” he whispers as I grind onto him, forcing my tongue into his mouth a second later.
His hands reach for the waistband of my skirt, but I bat them away. Instead, I slip off my panties and unzip his jeans, keeping my skirt on. Covering my legs.
He finds this hot. I find it necessary.
I kiss his ear as I whisper, “I love you, Eric. I’m so proud of you.” I grab him, steadying his movements as I slide effortlessly onto him.
“Jesus, Nat, you feel amazing.”
Don’t call me Nat.
It does feel good to have him inside me. To be outside of my head for five damn minutes of the day. I can’t pretend, though. I can’t push these suddenly ever present images of Ryker and the future I never got to have out of my head. I close my eyes tighter, begging Ryker to leave my brain. When I open them again, I find Eric staring at me with fear in his eyes. When I wasn’t paying attention he ran his hands up my thighs, lifting my skirt over my hips. Exposing everything.
I pull my skirt down, slide off him, and try to run to the bedroom. He grabs my wrist and forces me back onto the couch.
“What the fuck is that.” He tries to lift my skirt again, but I slap his hand.
“Nothing, Eric. Leave it alone.” I’m caught. I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I’m caught.
Eric leans forward and smashes the heels of his hands into his eyes. “How could I be so stupid,” he whispers to himself.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, you went to Lucas’s grave, out drinking with Tosha without telling me . . . are you seeing that Ryker guy behind my back? Is he why you’re doing this?”
Reaching back as far as I can, I slap Eric across the face with all the force I can muster. “You’re a fucking bastard. This isn’t about Lucas, or Ryker, or Tosha. It’s about you. It’s about us. We’re fucking broken, Eric, and I feel trapped. You’re the reason I do this.” I stand with my half-lie and walk toward the hallway. He doesn’t stop me this time.
“Do I need to call your mom or something?” He’s genuinely concerned. He would call my mother. That scares the shit out of me.
I turn slowly, keeping my fear in check. “If you call my mother about this, Eric, you’ll never see your boys again. I’ll make damn sure of it.”
I don’t wait to watch his face melt into pain before I continue to the bedroom and slam the door behind me.
What. The fuck. Now?
Chapter 13
I didn’t sleep at all last night. I sat cross-legged on my bed, waiting for Eric to come in and call my bluff. For him to fight. Something.
Shit.
Sneaking quietly past the boys’ room, I find Eric sleeping on the couch as I start the coffee.
“We need to talk about last night.” I jump at his voice. He clearly wasn’t sleeping.
“I don’t really know what there is to talk about.”