If we went back and Evan confessed, he’d be locked up for life. And not some minimum security place like North Correctional, either. He’d go away with the murderers and rapists, and it would destroy him. Destroy me, too. I’d wither away knowing he did it to save me from Lee, because I was too cowardly to get away myself.
“I could confess,” I said.
Evan shook his head.
“No, listen. From you, it looks like murder. From me, it’s self-defense.”
He drummed his fingers on the table, thinking. “Are there records of his abuse to you? Police reports?”
I looked away. “No. The local cops always covered for him.”
“Hospital records?”
“He put me in the hospital once. A few months ago.” I let my hair fall to cover my face, shame burning my cheeks. “I told everyone I fell down the stairs.”
Evan’s voice grew more gentle. “Any witnesses who could vouch for you?”
I thought of Del. But what was the word of a drag queen against Patty’s? Against Warren and Ron’s? Against all of Lee’s buddies and their wives, some of whom looked just as beat down and scared as I did.
“No,” I said.
“Then it’s not an option.” He leaned back, held up his hands as if the matter were settled. “I won’t let you go to jail for it, Jo. I won’t.”
“And I can’t let you get locked up for life either. So what do we do? Run? Become fugitives?” I rubbed my face, wincing as I accidentally touched the lump on my brow. The pain helped me focus. “Where do we go now? Mexico?”
“No, we have to go north.”
“North where? Canada?”
“Maybe.”
I frowned. “You’re not sure?”
“We have to go north, to the center.”
I started to ask him what the hell he meant by that, but his eyes were looking past me, distant and searching, and I knew he didn’t know himself.
“Wait.” I pushed my mug away, sat back in my chair. “Wait, wait, wait. What are you…?” I firmed my voice. “How did you find me, Evan? Tell me the truth.”
Evan turned his coffee mug around and around. “I think you know how I found you, Jo.”
“The internet, right? One of those people-search sites?”
He shook his head, his eyes now intent on mine.
I went cold all over. “A dream?”
He nodded.
“You had a dream? Like the time you knew about my scar? Or the shooting? It was like that?”
“Exactly like that.”
“And going north? To the center?”
“Same.”
I stared. I could see Evan set his jaw, bracing himself for the disbelief and skepticism that had plagued him his whole life. I’d never wanted to be one of those people. I’d told him I believed him, but those nights in the pool at Funtown seemed so far away.
“God, Evan, I know you believe it’s real. I know you do, but…”
I hated the condescending, patronizing words the moment they came out.
I sound exactly like one of those people.
“I do believe it’s real,” he said tersely. “As real as the moment in algebra class when I saw Becky Ulridge’s dad get shot in the head.”
I flinched and he sagged back against the bench, shaking his head miserably.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I shouldn’t have said that.”
“It’s just… So much is at stake,” I said carefully. “We can’t run away and build a life based on a dream or a hunch.”
“It’s the only way you’ll be safe and I’ll be free.”
“What does that mean? What is the center? Is it a center? A literal building, like the CDC?”
“I can’t see all of it. Right now I just have bits and pieces. The rest will come as we go along.”
“How do you know?”
“I just do,” he said, a small, unhappy smile on his lips.
I stared a moment more, then hung my head in my hands. “Do we have to go north? What about the Grand Canyon?” Let’s go someplace real, I thought.
“We can’t go there,” Evan replied. “That’s home, and we can’t lead them home.”
I sat back, at a loss for words. Lost in a fog of confusion, a push-pull of hope and logic, fantasy and reality.
Evan leaned in. When he spoke, his voice was low, pitched for my ears alone. “Listen to me, Jo. Four years ago, I told you things I’d never told anyone. I trusted you and you believed me. You told me you believed me. Do you know how long I’d waited to hear that from someone? Being with you and being accepted for once in my goddamn life… Because of you, I felt like I finally had a chance at a normal life. My version of a normal life. And I carried that feeling through my entire sentence. It was how I survived.”
“I know but—”
“So here we are again,” he continued. “I’m telling you secrets, telling you weird, personal, fucked-up crazy shit and it feels just as real and right as…taking a deep breath. Going north is something we need to do. For both of us. And no, I can’t see the whole thing but I can feel how it’s real and important. Life or death. You will be safe and I will be free. And I’m asking you to believe in me again and come with me.”