“I lied,” he says. His words stab at my heart and I’m terrified of what he’s about to say. “I told you I’d do it again. I told you I’d beat Jake’s ass again if I had the chance.” He takes my cheeks in his palms and looks at me desperately. “I wouldn’t. He didn’t deserve what I did to him, Sky. And that kid in there just now? He’s Jake’s little brother. He hates me for what I did and he has every right to hate me. He has every right to say whatever the fuck he wants to say to me, because I deserve it. I do. That’s the only reason why I didn’t want to come back to this school, because I knew whatever anyone was going to say to me was deserved. But I can’t let him talk about you and Breckin like that. He can say whatever the fuck he wants to say about me or Les because we deserve it, but you don’t.” His eyes are glossing over again and he’s in absolute agony, holding my face in his hands.
“It’s okay, Holder. You don’t have to defend everyone. And you don’t deserve it. Jake shouldn’t have said what he did about your sister last year and his brother shouldn’t have said what he did today.”
He shakes his head in disagreement. “Jake was right. I know he shouldn’t have said it and I definitely know I shouldn’t have laid a finger on him, but he was right. What Les did wasn’t brave or noble or courageous. What she did was selfish. She didn’t even try to tough it out. She wasn’t thinking about me, she wasn’t thinking about my parents. She was thinking about herself and she didn’t give a shit about the rest of us. And I hate her for it. I fucking hate her for it and I’m tired of hating her, Sky. I’m so tired of hating her because it’s tearing me down and making me this person I don’t want to be. She doesn’t deserve to be hated. It’s my fault she did what she did. I should have helped her, but I didn’t. I didn’t know. I loved that girl more than I’ve ever loved anyone and I had no idea how bad it was for her.”
I wipe away his tear with my thumb and I do the only thing I can think to do because I have no idea what to say. I kiss him. I kiss him desperately and try to take away his pain the only way I know how to do. I’ve never experienced death like this, so I don’t even try to understand where he’s coming from. He wraps his hands in my hair and kisses me back with such strength, it’s almost painful. We kiss for several minutes until the tension in him slowly begins to subside.
I pull my lips from his and look directly into his eyes. “Holder, you have every right to hate her for what she did. But you also have every right to still love her in spite of it. The only thing you don’t have a right to do is to keep blaming yourself. You’ll never understand why she did it, so you need to stop beating yourself up for not having all the answers. She made the choice she thought was best for her, even though it was the wrong one. But that’s what you have to remember…she made that choice. Not you. And you can’t blame yourself for not knowing what she failed to tell you.” I kiss him on the forehead, then bring my eyes back to his. “You have to let it go. You can hold on to the hate and the love and even the bitterness, but you have to let go of the blame. The blame is what’s tearing you down, babe.”
He closes his eyes and pulls my head to his shoulder, breathing out a shaky breath. I can feel him nodding and I can sense his whole demeanor coming to a quiet calm. He kisses me on the side of the head and we hold each other in silence. Whatever connection we thought we had before this…it doesn’t compare to this moment. No matter what happens between us in this life, this moment has just merged pieces of our souls together. We’ll always have that, and in a way it’s comforting to know.
Holder looks at me and cocks his eyebrow. “Why the hell did you slap me?”
I laugh and kiss the cheek that I slapped. My fingerprints are barely visible now, but they’re still there. “Sorry. I just needed to get you out of there and I couldn’t think of any other way to do it.”
He smiles. “It worked. I don’t know if anyone else could have said or done anything that would have pulled me out of that. Thank you for knowing exactly how to handle me, because sometimes I’m not even sure how to handle myself.”
I kiss him softly. “Believe me. I have no idea how to handle you, Holder. I just take you one scene at a time.”
“What time do you think you’ll get back?” I ask. Holder has his arms around me and we’re leaning up against my car. We haven’t been able to spend much time together since what happened in his car at lunch on Monday. Thankfully, the guy who tried to start shit with Holder hasn’t said anything else. It’s been a rather peaceful week considering the dramatic start of it.
“We won’t be back until pretty late. Their company Halloween parties usually last a few hours. But you’ll see me tomorrow. I can pick you up for lunch if you want and we’ll just stay together all day until the gallery showing.”
I shake my head. “Can’t. It’s Jack’s birthday and we’re taking him out to lunch because he has to work tomorrow night. Just come pick me up at six.”
“Yes ma’am,” he says. He kisses me, then opens my door so I can climb inside. I wave goodbye to him as he walks away, then I pull my phone out of my backpack. There’s a text from Six, which makes me happy. I haven’t been receiving my daily promised texts like she said I would. I didn’t think I’d miss them, but now that I only get one every third day or so, it bums me out a little.
Tell your boyfriend thank you for finally adding minutes to your phone. Have you had sex with him yet? Miss you.
I laugh at her candidness and text her back.
No, we haven’t had sex yet. We’ve done almost everything else, though, so I’m sure his patience will wear out soon. Ask me again after tomorrow night, I might have a different answer. Miss you more.
I hit send and stare at the phone. I haven’t really thought about whether or not I’m ready to pass that first yet, but I guess I just admitted to myself that I am. I wonder if inviting me to his house is his way of finding out if I’m ready, too.
I put the car into reverse and my phone sounds off. I pick it up and it’s a text from Holder.
Don’t leave. I’m walking back to your car.