“What is it Smackie?” Helga asked. “Not heard any good jokes lately?”
“Oh! (schmack) Woes and torments! I’ve got (schmack) trembling (schmack) and vibrations (schmack) in my brain!” the station-master sobbed. “I am (schmack) ashamed of carrying (schmack) on like this. I beg your (schmack) pardon.”
“There, there, Smackie,” Helga replied, trying to console her unhappy friend.
“The strange,” Smackie continued, “(schmack)…” Sobs again carried him away and he did not finish his sentence.
“What is strange?” Helga asked.
“The stranger (schmack) arrived at the Cutoff station (schmack) yesterday—a young Lynx (schmack)—you know (schmack) we never see Lynx ’round here (schmack)! Anyways, the Lynx (schmack) pestered and pestered (schmack) me to tell him how (schmack) get to the Norder Estates. He said he was (schmack) on some high-faluttin’ mission (schmack) from the High One (schmack) and he got himself lost (schmack) on the Ocean of Dreams (schmack). Instead of ending up in (schmack) the Norder Estates, he ended up in the Rounds (schmack). He was wantin’ terrible (schmack) bad to get to the Norder Estates (schmack)—said the High One (schmack) would beat him up (schmack) awful (schmack) if he failed.”
“What did you tell him?” Helga asked.
“Why, I told him the (schmack) truth,” Smackie replied. “I told him straight away (schmack) that there was no way (schmack) to the Norder Estates except (schmack) across the Borf lands, and (schmack) no right-thinkin’ beast would (schmack) ever do that.”
Smackie broke out in sobs again. “Oh! Woes and torments! (schmack) Woes and torments! (schmack) Woes and torments! (schmack) Why, that silly-headed beast (schmack) kept right on pesterin’ me (schmack) and pesterin’ me non-stop! He wouldn’t (schmack) let me think (schmack) or eat or sleep (schmack). Just pesterin’ and pesterin’ (schmack) sayin’ he came to the Cutoff (schmack) thinkin’ he could get to the (schmack) Estates from here. Why (schmack) he like to drove me (schmack) crazy with his pesterin’ (schmack). Oh! Woes and torments! (schmack) Woes and torments!”
“What’s with the ‘woes and torments,’ Smackie? Why so glum?”
“Oh! Woes and torments! (schmack) Smackie sobbed again. “I’ve sent him (schmack) to his death! The Borf (schmack) will roast him and eat him (schmack)! He wouldn’t listen (schmack) to me and went off to the (schmack) Borf lands! He wouldn’t have (schmack) gone there if I (schmack) hadn’t told him about it! Oh! (schmack) Woes and torments!”
“Come on, Smackie,” Helga urged, “don’t take it so hard. Why, how do you know the Borf will roast him? They might be friendly beasts—never met one myself and don’t know much about them.”
“Oh! They’ll roast him (schmack) sure enough!” Smackie wailed. “Them Borf are a (schmack) fearsome tribe. Every beast (schmack) knows that! Why, my own Mamzy (schmack) used to tell me that (schmack) if I did not behave, the Borf (schmack) would come down Fool’s Gap (schmack) and take me away (schmack) to roast on a spit! That scared the bewilickers out of me! And I (schmack) sent that Lynx onto the (schmack) roastin’ spit, I did! Oh! (schmack) Woes and torments! I’ve never hurt a (schmack) beast in my life (schmack) before this! And now, I just sent (schmack) an innocent beast to the (schmack) roastin’ spit!”
“Now just hold on there, Smackie,” Helga exclaimed. “How long’s that Lynx been gone?”
“Just a few minutes (schmack) before the Weekly pulled in (schmack),” the troubled station-master replied mournfully. “That’s why you (schmack) found me so sad! I (schmack) tried so hard (schmack) to warn him, but (schmack) he just wouldn’t listen (schmack). I’ve never harmed (schmack) a beast in my (schmack) life! Oh! Woes and torments! (schmack)
“Well, he can’t have gotten far,” Helga replied, “which way did he go?”
“He asked me (schmack) where the road went (schmack) from here and (schmack) I told him (schmack) it went to Fool’s Gap (schmack) and that they (schmack) call it Fool’s Gap (schmack) because there’s a (schmack) passage through the Smothercap (schmack) there, but only (schmack) a fool would (schmack) go there. Oh! Woes and torments! (schmack) That poor, poor beast (schmack)!”