“The party tonight! God, you’re so spacey sometimes.”
“I don’t want to go to a party,” I said.
“Brooke, you’re really starting to get on my nerves,” Gretchen said. “Your whole life is becoming school and work. You’ve got no friends besides me. You’ve got no boyfriend because you’re too chickenshit to talk to that beautiful Ryan guy. And you’d rather go to dinner with your dad tonight than come with me to an awesome party.”
I forced a smile. “Gosh, you really have a way of making a girl feel good about herself.” I slurped my drink.
“Brookey! I don’t want to go alone!”
“Then don’t go,” I said. “Look, I promised my dad we’d go to dinner tonight. I haven’t lived with my dad in years. Hell, I don’t even know the man. Is it okay with you that I spend a little time with him? Jeez, you’re so selfish, Beth.”
Gretchen’s head snapped up. “What did you say?”
“I said you’re selfish,” I replied.
“No no, after that,” Gretchen said.
“Huh?”
“You called me ‘Beth’.”
“No, I didn’t.”
“Yes, you did, Brooke. You called me ‘Beth’,” Gretchen said, eyeing me suspiciously.
I didn’t remember calling Gretchen “Beth.” But I must have. Gretchen’s face told me so.
“What’s going on?” Gretchen asked. “Is this why your life blows right now? You still feel guilty so you think you’re not allowed to have friends or a boyfriend or go out and have fun?”
“No,” I replied. I felt suddenly defensive.
“Well, that’s what it looks like to me,” Gretchen said. And then she lit up like a realization smacked her square in the face. “Are you dreaming about Beth?”
“No,” I lied. I wasn’t going to tell her that every time I closed my eyes, I dreamed of Beth or Finn. I wasn’t going to tell her that I woke up most mornings caked with sweat. I certainly wasn’t going to tell her that my nightmare last night was so intense I fell out of the bed.
Gretchen tried for patience. “Beth is gone.”
“I know that!” I snapped.
I didn’t resist when Gretchen took my hand. “I’m not trying to sound mean when I say that. But she’s gone, Brooke. And she wouldn’t want you to live like this. Punishing yourself.”
“I’m not punishing myself,” I argued.
“When you don’t allow yourself to have a life, that’s punishing yourself,” Gretchen said.
“I have a life,” I said. “I just can’t tell you about it.”
Goddamnit. Why did I say that?
“What are you talking about?” Gretchen asked. She looked worried.
“Nothing. I don’t know why I said that.”
“Bullshit. Don’t play games with me, Brooke. What am I not supposed to know?”
I looked at Gretchen’s heart-shaped face framed by thick locks of dark brown hair. Her brown eyes bore into me, and I almost caved. The girl in me wanted to confess everything right then and there. Tell her about Beth’s rape. Tell her about Cal and my plans to expose him for the monster he was. The girl in me wanted to confess because it was torture keeping secrets, and girls like to talk. I’m no exception. But the tiny little wise woman in me knew it would be a horrible mistake. The wise woman said, “Brooke, Gretchen runs her mouth.”
“Okay, maybe I’m having a bit of a hard time,” I said. “I still feel guilty about Beth. And Finn came to see me at the diner the other night and we ended up kissing.”
Gretchen’s eyes went wide. “Are you freaking kidding me?”
“I know!” I said. “But I stopped it. And then I hit him and told him he was a piece of shit and we were over.”
Gretchen’s body filled to the brim with pride. I could see it bursting out of her eyes and her enormous smile.
“You are kickass!” she squealed.
“Thank you,” I replied.
“Were you ever planning on telling me this?” Gretchen asked.
“I told you now,” I said.
“Yeah, but that’s because I caught you.”
“I would have told you,” I said. “I was just ashamed about the kissing part.”
“He’s such a jerk. Why the hell would he think you’d want to get together with him?”
“Beats me,” I said, finishing my drink.
“Well, I’m glad you’re finished with him,” Gretchen said. “This is a good step in the recovery process, Brookey.”
I smirked. “I imagine you’ll make a fine psychologist someday.”
“Get real. I’m totally doing make-up for celebrities,” Gretchen replied.
I laughed.
“And I’m sorry about giving you a hard time about hanging out with your dad. That wasn’t right.”
“No big deal,” I replied.
“But if you change your mind about the party, I think some guys from your school are gonna be there. Don’t know if you know them, but I think they’re on the swim team or something.”
My heart clenched immediately. “Who?”