My God. My mind was spinning, entertaining grand ideas of revenge. I wanted this for Beth. I wanted this for me. Perhaps it would bury my guilt and grief for good. I considered the type of guy Cal was. What if he’d raped other girls? Was it my duty to seek revenge? I felt in that resolute moment that I had no other choice, that my entire existence was defined by this crazy plan. There’s something really messed up about you, Brooke, I heard myself saying. Maybe. But it felt right. I hadn’t felt right about anything in a long time.
I lay on my bed, my brain flooded with question after question. It was working overtime, and I couldn’t keep up with it. Maybe I was just going crazy. Maybe I would wake up tomorrow and scratch the whole plan. But who was I kidding? The anger I felt in the gym when I stood before that predator was too real, too powerful and right to ignore. There’s anger, and then there’s righteous anger. I felt the righteous anger, and I knew I had to act on it. I would purify my heart by becoming impure.
I fell asleep knowing old events would resurface, creep into the forefront of my mind from my subconscious, make me relive the pain all over again to solidify my decision. I would wake up determined because I had no choice. And if I fought it, the dreams would continue to haunt me until I surrendered to my fate.
“You have to tell me what’s wrong,” I pleaded.
Beth sobbed into her hands, rocking back and forth like someone on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I didn’t want her to have a breakdown. I didn’t know what to do if she did.
“Beth, please,” I urged, wrapping my arm around her and drawing her into me. She rested her head on my shoulder.
“He raped me,” she whispered.
I immediately thought of Finn, and my heart sank. It couldn’t be Finn. Finn would never do such a thing. I couldn’t believe it, wouldn’t believe it, because I was sleeping with him. I was head-over-heels for him.
“Who?” I croaked. My pulse sped up as I clutched my best friend.
“You don’t know him,” Beth answered. “He goes to my school. His name is Cal.”
I pulled away and took Beth’s hands. “Beth, you need to tell me what happened.”
Beth shook with a fresh wave of sobs as she nodded reluctantly.
“I went to a party. That party I told you about,” she began.
I cringed. It was the party I didn’t attend. She wanted me to, but I made up some lousy lie about hanging out with my mother when I was, in fact, going to see Finn.
I felt like shit.
“I think he drugged my drink,” Beth continued. “I started feeling really out of it. Lightheaded, I guess. He took me upstairs to his room so I could lie down. I didn’t want to. I kept telling him I didn’t want to!”
She burst into tears, long ragged sobs that sounded painful in her chest.
“It’s okay,” I said, stroking her back. All I could think was that I wasn’t there. If I had been there, this wouldn’t have happened. My fault. My fault.
“He took my clothes off,” she said. “I told him no. I tried to scream it, but my tongue felt so huge. Like it was swollen. He said I wanted it and that I was just a tease.”
“You don’t have to tell me anymore,” I whispered. I couldn’t stand to hear it.
“No! I have to! I have to get it out!” she screamed, and I nodded.
She took a deep breath, trying to settle the hitching in her chest.
“I cried, and he licked my face. I think he was licking my tears. And then he had sex with me while he covered my mouth, and he told me not to tell anyone because no one would believe me. He knew I wasn’t a virgin. He knew I had slept with guys on the swim team. Those idiots must brag about it or something.”
My head swam with a mixture of guilt: guilt for not going to the party with Beth, guilt for her attack, guilt for sneaking around with her boyfriend, guilt for lying to her.
“He’s right, Brooke,” Beth said. Her voice quavered uncontrollably. “No one would believe me. He’s all-American swim team champ. I’m the girl who’s fucked three guys at school. No one would believe me.”
“That’s not true,” I argued. “You have to come forward, Beth. You can’t let him get away with it.”
“Are you crazy?” she shrieked. It came out harsher than I think she expected. I shrank away from her, confused. “God, Brooke, do you even know what you’re asking of me?”
***
I hated the first day of school. This one was made monstrously worse by the fact that I knew no one. Yes, the prospect of starting with a clean slate was attractive, but being as it was my senior year, I didn’t know if I wanted or cared to put the energy into making friends. It seemed too hard, and then I had already decided to put all my time and energy into destroying Cal’s life. I wasn’t sure how a new friend or group of friends would fit into that picture.