Getting Real

25. Performance Anxiety



Though he was reluctant to take his eyes off Harry, unless it meant seeing Stu pulled down a peg again, Rand saw Rie and Jake argue through the filmy cabana coverings. He saw heads pressed forward, necks straining, hands flying. He saw Rie grab at Jake and Jake shake her off and walk out. He saw passion and frustration and anger and he wished they’d just f*ck each other and get it all over with. But when Rie didn’t leave the cabana, he got worried, excused himself from Harry and went in after her.

“That spray on stuff you wear is good, but I still know you’ve been crying,” he said

She looked up, her eyes were red and she was sniffling. “You’re a friggin’ genius.”

He sat beside her. “What’s going on?”

“I don’t want to be here.”

He sighed. “Yeah, tell me something new.”

“I think I screwed up with Jake.”

He grimaced. That wasn’t news. “How’s it different to what you’ve been doing since you met him.”

Rie stood up. “What do you want from me?”

“I want to know you’re okay.”

“I had a fight with Jake that’s all. Of course I’m okay.”

“You’re not. We’re getting closer to Sydney and you’re spinning the freak out.” He gave the word ‘freak’ a rolling r in an attempt to bring the temperature down, talk her off the ledge. One look at her, face screwed tight with tension, was enough to tell him he’d failed.

“F*ck off, my performance is totally nailed.”

He sighed. “It’s not on stage that’s the problem.”

“What’s that supposed to mean? On stage is all that matters.”

He groaned and patted the space beside him. “When did you start believing that?”

She sat. “You don’t believe that?”

He rested his head on the lounge back and stretched his legs out. “Nope. On stage is just part of it. If I thought that’s all there was I’d have blown my brains out by now.”

“It’s all that matters to me.”

He turned his head to look at her. She was her own worst nightmare and always had been. But he’d never seen her so twisted up. Rie didn’t do vulnerable, but she was swollen with it now. She hadn’t done it at fourteen or at sixteen when Dad died or any time since then until they landed in Adelaide, and then it was like some well of emotion she’d kept bottle-stopped had the seal broken open. He didn’t know how to deal with her like this and it worried him senseless.

“You need to get yourself some perspective, little sister.”

“And how do I do that? We’re on tour. It’s all there is for the next seven months for God’s sake.”

He reached for her hand and hauled her closer to him. “I dunno. Maybe we need to get Neddy back so you can torture him some more. The hanging roadie was good for business.”

She said, “F*ck off,” but she rested her head on his shoulder.

“What about Jonathan? Can’t you hook up with him? He’s a nice enough dude.”

“He swaggers.”

Rand laughed. “So that would be a no. Pick someone else for a distraction then.”

“What, like you’re doing with Harry?” She stuck an elbow in his rib and he squirmed.

“Hmm, yeah okay, the thing with Harry is more than a distraction. Haven’t gotten to fourth base yet and I’m loving every minute of it.”

Rie sat up straight and grinned at him. “Man, you are so gone.”

“I know.” He beamed at the swaths of silky stuff in the cabana’s canopy. “Can’t you be happy for me?”

“Yeah, I am, she’s pretty cool and I’ve told her I’ll make her regret the day she was born if she hurts you.”

Rand smacked his head. “Great. Now she thinks I’m a wimp who needs his ugly little sister to defend him.”

“No, she thinks you walk on water.”

“Hopefully not like Stu,” he said, and they laughed together for the first time.

She said, “Did you see—”

“Jake push him—”

Rie said, “Classic!” and then they were both quiet, listening to the sounds of Sia’s You’ve Changed.

“This thing with Jake?” he asked after the song closed out.

“It’s not a thing.”

“It’s a thing.”

She sighed, dramatically. “I don’t know what it is.”

“Can you make it up with him?”

“I don’t know. I promise it won’t affect the gigs.”

“I’m not worried about the gigs.” He lied, he lied. It was possible the hems of his jeans were on fire.

“Well, what then?” she said, exasperated.

Rand sat forward, elbows on knees, chin on hands, no lying this time, just a prescription. “I think you need to take Jake to bed and f*ck his brains out.”

The breath came out of Rie like she had a slow leak. “I tried, it wasn’t any good.” She slumped sideways on the lounge and he felt her distress everywhere below his belt buckle.

“Shit—really?”

She buried her face in her hands. “It was a disaster.”

Rand slapped his thighs; he went cold. “God, if that happens with Harry I’ll be a f*cking basket case. Tell me what happened.”

Face still hidden, she said, “He scared me.”

Rand’s voice was suddenly sharp in his throat. “He hurt you? What did he do?”

Rie sat around to face him squarely. “No, no, he didn’t hurt me. He made me feel…” She screwed up her face. “I can’t talk to you about this.” She shook her head, eyes cast down.

“Ohhh, I get it.” He snickered. “He’s too close. He’s trying to pry off that armour of yours, eh. Brave man. He rocked your world didn’t he? And what did you do?”

“I pushed him away.”

“Wow.” He paused to take this all in. No wonder the two of them were at each other. “I’ll bet that made him feel sensational. Fair cop, he’s angry with you.”

“He’s not angry with me. Apart from what you just saw and I provoked that,” Rie admitted with a rueful look, “he’s been incredibly sweet.”

“So, I guess you could try again.” There was a kind of rightness about Jake and Rie getting together. He was so rock steady, level headed; she could do much, much worse than hooking up with him.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Why not? Shit, I’m not saying marry the guy.” Rand crossed his leg, ankle on knee. “He’s cool; he’s possibly even better looking than me.” He raised his eyebrows as though this was a moot point and readied for her elbow, but still grunted when it came. “Got some natural Godzilla about him, what’s not to like?”

“But if I just concentrate on the tour?”

“You’ll go mad, Rie. Seriously, you need to do something else for yourself to get some perspective, and why not spend time with Jake?”

Rie put her head on his shoulder again. “I think he really hates me now. He said some stuff about me still being a frightened kid.”

Smart guy Jake. “And what do you think about that?”

She put her hand in his. “Crap.”

“Yeah, right.” Rand twisted his neck around to look at her. “Rie, the only reason you act so tough is because you’re so frightened. I love you with all my heart but I’ve never been able to talk you down off the ledge. I used to get really f*cking anxious about that.” He drew a breath. There was no point telling her he still did. “Then I figured out you have to do that for yourself. If Jake can help you, well—”

“He can’t help me.”

“Are you sure about that?” Rand draped his arm over Rielle and snuggled her against him, tapped a rhythm on her bicep. Not the song playing, something else in his head.

“No. Unless it’s got a stage, a mic, a pole, or a trapeze attached to it, I’m not sure of anything anymore.”

“Well, here’s what I’m sure of. You might be my scared little sister, but you’re also the bravest person I know. You’ve never backed down from anything, so I reckon you’ll work this out. And if you need me, you know I’m here.”

They sat quietly. The DJ had Megan Washington’s indie pop track I Believe You Liar spinning. And that was just spooky.

Rielle said, “You know you’ve just about got your accent back.”

“I know mate. Bonza eh.” He hammed it up.

“So are you going to f*ck Harry’s brains out?”

“No,” he said, dropping back into his hybrid accent. “I’m going to take her to bed and make sweet love to her.”

“Why do I get the crude descriptions and you get the romantic ones?”

He released her and stood, he was still worried and he’d have to watch her, but for now she was ok. He gave a devilish laugh and twirled a fake moustache. “Because, my dear, you were raised by wolves and I’m a misunderstood poet.”