chapter TEN
HE GRINNED at her and raised one eyebrow. In reply she put a hand on his smooth, broad chest and pushed him backwards until the bed bumped the back of his knees and made him sit. It was his turn to wait for her now.
She picked up her bag and opened it. Retrieving the condom, she placed it on the bedside table. Josh watched every move she made.
She stepped back from the bed. Out of his reach. He could watch but he couldn’t touch. She wanted to tease him. She reached for the zip at the side of her dress and undid it slowly. She slipped one strap from her shoulder and then the other and let the dress fall to the floor. Josh’s eyes were dark grey now, all traces of silver vanishing as he watched and waited for her.
She reached her hands behind her back and unhooked her bra, sliding it along her arms and dropping it to the floor. She lifted her hand to pull the elastic from her hair.
‘Let me do that.’ Josh’s voice was husky with desire. Lust coated his words, making them so heavy they barely made it past his lips.
Georgie dropped her hand, leaving her hair restrained. She slid her underwear from her hips and went to him. She was completely naked but she didn’t feel exposed. She felt powerful.
She sat on the bed beside him. He reached for her with his right hand, running it up her arm. His fingers rested at the nape of her neck before he flicked her plait over her left shoulder and pulled the elastic from her hair. He wound his fingers through her hair, loosening the plait as he spread her hair out, letting it fall over her shoulders before burying his face in it.
His thumb rested on her jaw. It was warm and soft, his pressure gentle. He ran his thumb along the line of her jaw and then replaced it with his lips. He kissed her neck, her collarbone and the hollow at the base of her throat.
His fingers blazed a trail across her body that his mouth followed. Down from her throat to her sternum, over her breast to one nipple. His fingers flicked over the nipple, already peaked and hard. His mouth followed, covering it, sucking, licking and tasting.
He pulled her backwards onto the bed.
She reached for his boxer shorts and pulled them from his waist. His erection sprang free, pressing against her stomach.
His fingers were stroking the inside of her thigh. She parted her legs and his fingers slid inside her, into her warm, moist centre. His thumb rolled over her most sensitive spot, making her gasp. He kissed her breast, sucking at her nipple as his thumb teased her. She arched her back, pushing her hips and breasts towards him, wanting more, letting him take her to a peak of desire.
Still she wanted more. She needed more.
She rolled towards him and pushed him flat onto his back. She sat up and straddled his hips. His erection rose between them, trapped between their groins. Georgie stretched across him, reaching for the condom, and her breasts hung above his face. He lifted his head, taking her breast into his mouth once more. She closed her eyes as she gave herself up to the sensations shooting through her as his tongue flicked over her nipple. Every part of her responded to his touch. Her body came alive under his fingers and his lips and her skin burned where their bodies met.
She felt for the condom, finding it with her fingers. She picked it up and lifted herself clear of Josh, pulling her breast from his lips. Air flowed over her nipple, the cool temperature contrasting with the heat of his mouth. She opened the condom and rolled it onto him. Her fingers encircled his shaft as she smoothed out the sheath.
She put her hands either side of his head and kept her eyes on his face as she lifted herself up and took him inside her. His eyelids closed and she watched him breathe in deeply as her flesh encased him, joining them together.
She filled herself with his length before lifting her weight from him and letting him take control. His thumbs were on the front of her hips, his fingers behind her pelvis as he guided her up and down, matching her rhythm to his thrusts, each movement bringing her closer to climax.
She liked this position. She liked being able to watch him, she liked being able to see him getting closer and closer to release. His eyes were closed, hiding their silver flecks, but his lips were parted, his breathing was rapid and shallow, his thrusts getting faster.
She spread her knees, letting him in deeper inside her until she had taken all of him. Her body was flooded with heat. Every nerve ending was crying out for his touch. ‘Now, Josh. Now.’
He opened his eyes and his grey gaze locked with hers as he took her to the top of the peak.
Her body started to quiver and she watched him as he too shuddered. He closed his eyes, threw his head back and thrust into her, claiming her as they climaxed together.
When they were spent she lay on him, covering his body with hers. Their skin felt warm and flushed from their effort and they were both panting as he wrapped his arms around her back, holding her to him. She could feel his heart beating under her chest. She could feel it as its rhythm slowed, gradually returning to normal.
‘Wow.’
Josh’s prediction had been right. Their chemistry made for amazing sex. Georgie had never been so overwhelmed by an experience. It was a pity she wasn’t going to be able to get used to it.
‘Wow indeed,’ he said as he kissed her shoulder. ‘Do you think we could improve on that with practice?’
Georgie laughed. ‘I’m not sure it gets much better than that.’
‘Give me a minute and we’ll see.’
A minute! She needed longer to recover than that. ‘I can’t stay. Mum was expecting me home after dinner.’
‘We haven’t had dinner,’ he said.
‘She doesn’t know that.’
Josh’s fingers were running along her spine and Georgie would have been more than happy to stay right where she was. But that wasn’t part of her plan. She didn’t want to go, she wanted to spend the night in Josh’s arms and forget about the world, but she couldn’t stay. The longer she stayed, the harder it would be to make herself leave.
Tonight was about the present. It was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. They didn’t have a future. She would have her memories but she wouldn’t have Josh.
* * *
God, she was a fool, she thought later as she climbed into her own bed. Her sheets were cold and clean. They smelt of detergent and sunshine but she wanted them to smell of Josh. She never should have slept with him. Now she had to walk away from the best sex of her life.
But it shouldn’t matter. Great sex was just great sex. She could appreciate it for what it was and move on. Great sex wasn’t a basis for a lasting relationship and that was what she wanted, the one thing Josh couldn’t give her.
She was looking for a relationship based on respect, shared values and companionship, not on great sex; but she knew that, at the moment, she’d trade respect and shared values for another night with Josh.
* * *
Josh wasn’t at work the following day as he had a physio appointment but he arrived at the hospital for his regular game of backgammon with her father just as she was leaving. He was waiting for her in the corridor.
He was wearing jeans and a green T-shirt, his hair was spiky and he looked just as he’d looked last night when she’d left him all rumpled in his bed. The only difference was that he was dressed and the fingers of his left hand were encased in a splint.
He was smiling at her. She wanted to tell him to stop, it was messing with her equilibrium and with her resolve, but she couldn’t speak—her mouth was dry, her knees were weak and her heart was racing. Her body reacted even before her brain had fully registered that he was there. Last night couldn’t be repeated. They wouldn’t share another night. She’d have to get over it but her body seemed to have other ideas.
‘Hi. I was hoping I’d catch you here.’ He stepped towards her and reached for her hand. His eyes were dark grey but as their hands touched she saw silver flecks flash in his irises like little lightning strikes and she felt the flash race through her. ‘Can you sneak away tonight?’ he asked.
No, she meant to say, but when she opened her mouth to speak that wasn’t the word that came out. ‘Yes,’ she said.
‘My place? Eight-thirty?’
She nodded and tried to tell herself that when she got there she’d explain why she couldn’t stay, why they couldn’t have another night. But then Josh leant forward and kissed her lips and she felt her resolve crumble into a pool of rampant desire.
* * *
She smelt of cinnamon and honey. He closed his eyes and savoured her scent as he kissed her in the hospital corridor. In ninety minutes she would be in his arms once again but first he had an appointment to keep.
‘Evening, George,’ he said as he entered the room. George was sitting out of bed, looking a picture of health, but the room was bare. The flowers, cards and magazines that had been cluttering all the horizontal surfaces of his room and giving it some personality were gone. ‘What’s going on?’ he asked as he looked around.
‘I’m being discharged in the morning,’ George explained.
‘That’s great news.’
George was nodding. ‘I’ll be glad to get home, that’s for sure. This wasn’t how I planned to spend my holiday. Not that I’m complaining, it could have been a lot worse, it could have been my last one.’ George stood and crossed to the table and picked up a small case that was lying there. It was his backgammon set and it was the only personal item that hadn’t already been packed away. ‘Have you got time for one final game?’
‘Of course,’ Josh said, ‘but I’ll warn you now, this time I’m going to win.’
George laughed. ‘Give it your best shot, but if you couldn’t beat me when I was medicated up to my eyeballs following surgery, I don’t fancy your chances now.’ He flipped the catches on the case and opened it out, quickly positioning the checkers. They sat on the edge of the bed, the table between them, and started to play. As had become their habit, Josh went first.
‘You’ve been given medical clearance to fly?’ he asked as he shook his dice in their cup and rolled them out.
‘Yep. I had another echocardiogram today and a stress test and apparently it’s all looking like it should. I’ve got my piece of paper and the flights are all booked. I was a bit nervous about flying but the specialist says it’s fine and Georgie’s coming home with us.’
Josh was about to move his checkers but he hesitated. ‘Georgie’s going with you?’
George was watching the board, waiting for Josh’s move, but he looked up quickly. ‘She hasn’t told you?’
Josh shook his head, afraid to hear what George would say next.
‘She’s taking holidays and coming home.’ George threw his dice as he spoke.
Josh didn’t like the sound of that. ‘So she’s coming back?’
‘I’m not sure. You’d have to ask her,’ George said as he moved his checkers. ‘What are your plans? You’re only in Cairns temporarily too, I understand. What’s next for you?’
Josh wondered if it was a deliberate change in the direction of conversation. Was there more George wasn’t telling him? But George had always called a spade a spade and Josh couldn’t imagine him keeping something from him now. ‘I’m waiting to hear about an appointment at Brisbane General,’ he answered.
‘For what position?’
‘Head of Emergency.’
‘That sounds important.’
‘I’ve been working towards a position like this for years. As you can imagine, they don’t come up all that often. The current head of emergency suggested I come to Cairns to get some more experience in emergency retrievals. He’s due to retire when I finish here and I’m hoping to be able to step into his role. That’s where I’m headed.’
‘You’ve no plans to come to Melbourne?’ George asked.
Josh shook his head, aware that George was watching him closely. ‘No.’
‘Georgie knows of your career plan?’
‘She does,’ Josh replied, thinking that he’d at least been honest with her about his future direction. He wondered when, or if, she was going to tell him about her departure and whether or not she was planning on returning.
‘Well, if you ever find yourself in Melbourne, be sure to come and see us,’ George said as he moved his last checker into the home position, victorious in yet another game of backgammon. ‘You’ll always be welcome.’
* * *
It was close to midnight and Josh knew Georgie would be going home soon. All evening he’d been waiting for her to tell him about her plans to return to Melbourne but she’d said nothing. Not before or after they’d made love. They were lying in his bed, naked. He knew his bed would feel cold and empty when she left. She was tucked in against his shoulder. He had his arm around her and the top of her head was resting under his chin. Her skin was soft under his hand and he was surrounded by the scent of honey and cinnamon. He closed his eyes and let her scent invade his senses. He could get used to this.
No. He didn’t want to get used to this. That was a dangerous thought.
He needed to keep his defences up. He had to get on with his future. He couldn’t get caught up in Georgie. Her parents would be returning to Melbourne and his life would return to normal. While he had enjoyed this interlude, it was only ever going to be temporary. That was their arrangement and that was the way he operated. He would keep his memories but he would move on.
He opened his eyes and moved his head slightly so that Georgie’s head was no longer under his chin, trying to avoid her scent of honey and cinnamon so he could concentrate. ‘Your dad told me he’s going to be discharged tomorrow. That’s good news.’
She nodded.
‘And you’re going home with them?’ Josh asked, even though he already knew the answer. What he didn’t know was what would happen next and it seemed that unless he asked, he was never going to find out.
‘He wants to go home to Melbourne to recuperate but he’s nervous about flying. They’ve asked me to fly with them,’ she explained.
‘When will you be back?’
‘I’m not coming back.’
Josh frowned and wondered if that’s what George had been keeping from him. ‘What do you mean? You’ve still got another month on your contract.’
‘I’ve applied to take annual leave. We leave the day after tomorrow.’
He’d known she was leaving, just as he was, but he hadn’t expected it to be so soon. He’d thought she’d come back, give them time to say their goodbyes. He was ready to move on but he hadn’t expected to start the process tonight.
He tried to be pleased. He should be pleased. Surely this was a good thing.
* * *
Georgie was lying in Josh’s arms. She’d hoped to resist him but it had been impossible to forego her one last opportunity. He’d opened his apartment door for her and kissed her senseless before he’d started undressing her with his eyes, and she known then she’d end up here, naked, in his bed. He hadn’t needed to say a word. In fact, he hadn’t spoken, he’d just looked at her and her heart had pounded so hard in her chest she’d thought it would explode. Her hands had been shaking as he’d held them and pulled her to him. She’d stepped into his arms and kissed him, followed him to his bed and made love to him. Now she was lying in his arms, her head nestled in the curve of his shoulder, her cheek resting on his bare chest, her ear pressed against his heart, listening to it beating.
His words vibrated in his chest when he spoke, reverberating under her ear. It wasn’t quite where she’d planned to have the conversation about leaving Cairns, leaving him, but he’d opened the discussion and she couldn’t put it off any longer. She didn’t have any more time.
‘I’ve applied to take annual leave. We leave the day after tomorrow.’ Accompanying her parents on the flight back to Melbourne was the favour her mum had asked of her and it had given her the perfect escape clause. And she was going to take it. She knew she had to get away from Josh quickly before it became impossible. She was going to Melbourne and she wasn’t coming back. She’d decided that the way to get over Josh was to have a quick, clean break.
‘So that’s it? You’re leaving now?’
‘It’s only a bit earlier than I’d planned. It’s not going to make any difference in the scheme of things.’
She wanted Josh to tell her that it would make a difference to him. She wanted him to ask her to come back. Or not to go. But of course he didn’t. She was a fool to hope for that. He didn’t want a relationship, he’d told her that. ‘Your life can return to normal. No more pretending,’ she said.
‘I thought…’
‘What?’
He shook his head and she could feel his shoulders shaking with the movement. ‘Never mind.’ He paused briefly and she was left wondering what he’d been going to say. ‘So what was last night all about? And tonight?’ he asked.
‘It was about you. Us.’ She shrugged. ‘Your philosophy has rubbed off on me. I was being adventurous. This was sex with no strings attached. That was what you wanted.’
He didn’t argue.
She wished he would.
But he didn’t protest and as she lay in his arms she knew he would keep quiet. He wasn’t going to beg her to stay.
What on earth had she expected? Had she thought he was going to tell her he loved her and he couldn’t live without her?
She’d made a mess of everything. She should have left him alone. She should never have crossed the invisible line they’d drawn. But she hadn’t been able to resist.
The old Georgie would have resisted. The old Georgie hadn’t had casual sex but she knew that was also true of the new Georgie. She was kidding herself if she thought going to bed with Josh could be considered casual sex. She’d known exactly what she was doing. The question was, why had she done it? Why had she crossed that invisible line?
And she knew the answer too. She’d crossed the line both physically and emotionally.
She’d fallen in love with him.
She had come to Cairns to find her independence. To find herself. She hadn’t expected to fall in love but that’s what had happened. She had begun the process of her metamorphosis from dutiful daughter to independent woman; she’d engineered the move away from home; and Josh had helped her to complete it. He’d helped to complete her. She was now the person she wanted to be but would she be able to continue to be that person without Josh by her side?
She would have to do it, she thought, she had no other option. But that meant the sooner she got away from here the better, before she lost herself in Josh.
* * *
She was leaving for Melbourne tomorrow. Part of her couldn’t believe it. She knew she would find it hard to leave but she had no other option. She’d told everyone of her decision and nothing had happened to change her mind. Or, more specifically, no one had tried to convince her to stay.
Her last shift with QMERT was an ordinary day. She was working with Sean and they were called out for a couple of routine inter-hospital transfers, nothing dramatic, nothing difficult. Without realising it, she’d shared her last shift with Josh the day they’d evacuated Meredith and Brian from the yacht off the coast of Cooktown. But she would see him tonight. She was on her way to The Sandbar for her farewell dinner and drinks, and Josh would join them there after his hospital shift.
This was going to be the last time she saw him and she was determined to put on a happy face. She was trying to be brave. Trying to pretend she was happy to be going home. Pretending she was ready. Pretending she didn’t mind that he hadn’t asked her to stay. Or come back.
Pretending she hadn’t fallen in love.
But, of course, nothing in the world of emergency medicine ever went to plan when she needed it to.
Her mobile rang as she walked into the bar and Josh’s name appeared on her screen. As she answered she could hear sirens in the street. This was only going to be bad news.
‘Georgie, it’s me. I’ve been held up. There’s been a fire at one of the backpacker hostels and it’s all hands on deck while we wait to see what the ambos bring us. I have no idea yet how bad it is or how long I’ll be.’
Disappointment surged through her but there was nothing she could do. ‘It’s okay.’
‘I’m sorry. I really wanted to be there.’
‘I understand, Josh. I know how it goes. Hopefully we’ll see you later.’
She would have a drink with her other colleagues but Josh was the one she really wanted to see. The night dragged from that point on.
She waited and waited but Josh didn’t show. She checked her mobile phone constantly but it was hours before she heard it beep, signalling a text message. She pulled it out of her handbag.
Can’t get away. Working at QMERT 2mro, will c u at terminal.
‘Is something wrong?’ Louise was standing beside her. ‘You’ve been looking at your phone every five minutes.’
‘Everything’s fine,’ she lied. ‘That was Josh, he’s still at the hospital. I was waiting to see him, to say goodbye, but if he’s not going to make it I think I might go home. There are still some things I need to do before we leave tomorrow.’ That wasn’t true either. She’d packed and the removalists had collected her boxes and her car. All she had to do was get up and go to the airport but she didn’t want to be at the bar any longer without Josh.
‘I’ll give you a lift home,’ Louise offered. ‘It’s past my bedtime too.’
Louise drove down the esplanade and along the seafront. ‘We’re going to miss you,’ she said as she drove. ‘You’ve been a breath of fresh air around the place.’
‘I’m going to miss all of you too. I’ve loved my time here,’ Georgie replied, but her heart was heavy with the knowledge that there was one person she was going to miss most.
‘Why don’t you come back?’ Louise asked as they passed the hospital.
Georgie couldn’t help looking through the emergency entrance, hoping for a glimpse of Josh, but of course she saw nothing except for a couple of paramedics standing by their ambulance. Her heart ached in her chest, knowing that Josh was just a few metres from her but unreachable.
‘Because there’s nothing for me here,’ she answered. Josh was leaving too, there was nothing to bring her back to Cairns. She sighed with longing and the sound escaped from her and broke the silence.
Louise slowed the car and turned her head to watch Georgie. ‘Did you want to go in and say goodbye?’
Georgie looked at her, wondering how much she thought she knew. ‘No, he’ll be busy.’
‘I’m sure he’ll stop for you.’
Georgie didn’t think so. She shook her head.
‘Have you told him how you feel?’
Georgie heard her own sharp intake of breath. ‘What do you mean?’
‘Marty was right about the two of you, wasn’t he? Your relationship isn’t pretend any more,’ Lou said. ‘Does Josh know how you feel?’
Georgie didn’t bother denying Lou’s assessment but she wasn’t about to announce it to everyone and especially not to Josh. ‘No. And I won’t tell him.’
‘What if he feels the same way? What if both of you are too stubborn to be the first to admit your feelings?’
She wished she was brave enough to take that chance but although she was more confident than she’d been a year ago, she wasn’t that brave. ‘He has a totally different view of it. He doesn’t want a proper relationship.’
‘He’s a man,’ Lou scoffed with the voice of experience. ‘I doubt he has any idea what he really wants. You need to tell him.’
‘No.’
Louise turned the corner and the hospital receded into the distance. ‘Have you thought about moving to Brisbane? You’d get a job there.’
Georgie shook her head again.
‘Why not?’
‘Because Josh hasn’t asked me to.’ She knew it wouldn’t take more than that to get her to pack her bags and move again. All he had to do was ask. But that wasn’t going to happen. ‘It’s okay, Lou, I’m okay,’ she said before her friend felt she had to offer counselling. ‘Josh and I had a deal. This whole thing was make-believe, I just forgot that temporarily.’
To her relief Louise didn’t question her further. She probably realised that Georgie had a point. No matter what she or Louise thought, there wasn’t anything they could do to change the situation. It was what it was. Life would go on. Without Josh.
* * *
Georgie had made it through her last night in Cairns by consoling herself with the idea she’d see Josh at the airport before she left. He’d told her he’d get across to the airport terminal. She wanted to know she would see him one last time, it would make it easier to leave, but as the taxi drove her and her parents along the entry road she saw the helicopter taking off from the QMERT base. Her heart sank in her chest. Josh would be on board, on his way to an emergency, which meant he wouldn’t be meeting her at the terminal. He wouldn’t be saying goodbye.
Disappointment and frustration left a bitter taste in her mouth. She’d prepared herself to say goodbye but she hadn’t prepared herself not to.
Perhaps it was for the best, she thought as she started piling luggage onto the trolley. There was always the danger that if she saw him again she might just tell him she’d fallen in love with him. And there was no need for him to know that. It was better this way. She needed to move on.