As Gabriel sat, holding Spring Roll, time seemed to have no meaning. Images flashed before his eyes. He saw himself taking the baby home from the hospital. Feeding her in the middle of the night. Walking down the hall to the empty master bedroom.
He was so alone.
He’d loved one woman in his life. At first, he’d loved her like a pagan, eager to make her an idol and worship her. Then he’d recognized that some things were more important than his love for her—her happiness, for example.
In his mind’s eye he could see and hear her clutching his hand, whispering, “I don’t regret getting pregnant.”
She’d regret it now. He’d taken her life.
His shoulders shuddered as a sob overtook him.
His beautiful, sweet Julianne.
He had his cell phone but didn’t feel like talking to anyone. From the texts he’d received, he knew that Richard and Rachel would be arriving soon. Rebecca was readying the house for the guests and the baby. Kelly had texted to say that she’d ordered flowers and balloons, which were on their way to the hospital.
He hadn’t had the will to tell them Julianne was gone.
He stared at the face of his daughter, wondering how he was going to parent her alone. He’d relied on Julianne for so much. And ultimately, it was his selfishness that ended her life.
He was lost in his own grief and exhaustion when someone entered the room and stood before him. Once again his eyes focused on a pair of very ugly, sturdy shoes.
“Professor Emerson.”
He recognized the voice of Dr. Rubio and lifted his head.
She looked tired.
“I’m sorry about what happened. We had several emergencies all at once and I couldn’t get away. I’m sorry it took me so long to—”
“Can I see her?” Gabriel interrupted.
“Of course. But I just need to explain. Your wife—”
Gabriel couldn’t hear the doctor’s words. He was enveloped in pain. All his conversations with Julia about children flooded his mind.
This was his fault. He’d persuaded her to have a baby and then they’d gotten pregnant before she was ready.
He’d done this. He’d planted his child inside her, and the act had killed her.
He lowered his head despondently.
“Professor Emerson.”
Dr. Rubio came closer.
“Professor Emerson, are you all right?” Her lightly accented voice sounded at his ear. She muttered to herself in Spanish, words that Gabriel identified, but dimly.
“Can I see her?” he whispered.
“Of course.” Dr. Rubio gestured to the door. “I’m sorry someone didn’t come to get you earlier, but the nursing staff was overwhelmed.”
Gabriel slowly got to his feet, continuing to cradle his daughter in his arms.
Dr. Rubio directed him to place the baby in the bassinet, and then she wheeled the contraption in front of her.
He pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket and wiped at his face, ignoring the initials that had been embroidered on it. It had been a gift from Julianne “just because.” She was like that—generous of spirit and generous of heart. How he wished he’d worn the Star of David she’d given to him as an anniversary present. Surely he could have derived some comfort from it.
Gabriel followed Dr. Rubio through a series of rooms, until they entered a very large space that had a number of hospital beds in it.
“Here she is.”
Gabriel stopped abruptly.
Julianne was lying in a hospital bed and a nurse was leaning over her, giving her an injection.
He could see her legs shift beneath the blanket. He could hear her moan.
He blinked rapidly, as if the tears in his eyes had caused a mirage.
He felt his body sway.
“Professor Emerson?” Dr. Rubio took hold of his elbow in an effort to steady him. “Are you all right?”
She called to the nurse and asked her to place a chair next to Julia’s bedside. They helped Gabriel to the chair and wheeled the bassinet so that it was next to him.
Someone pushed a plastic cup of water into his hand. He stared at it as if it were a foreign object.
Dr. Rubio’s voice, which had been hazy in his ear, suddenly became clear.
“As I said, your wife lost a lot of blood. We had to give her a transfusion. When I made the incision for the cesarean section, I encountered one of her fibroids, and unfortunately it bled quite a bit. We had to do some surgical repair afterward, which is why the procedure took so long.”