I’m sorry, could you repeat that?” Julia stared wide-eyed at her gynecologist.
It was the third week in September and Julia had just had her yearly physical exam. It was supposed to be routine, with a view to uncovering any fertility issues. But the doctor’s remarks indicated that the exam had been anything but routine.
“I want you to have an ultrasound. My secretary will contact radiology at Mount Auburn Hospital and schedule the appointment. I want you seen immediately, and I’m noting that in my referral.” Dr. Rubio scribbled hastily in Julia’s chart.
Julia’s stomach flipped. “So it’s serious?”
“Potentially serious.” The doctor paused, her dark eyes meeting Julia’s. “It’s good that you came in when you did. I found something on one of your ovaries. We need to know what it is. You’ll have an ultrasound, the radiologist will write up a report and send it to me, and we’ll go from there.”
“Cancer?” Julia could barely pronounce the word.
“That’s a possibility. It could be a benign growth or a cyst. We’ll know more soon.” Dr. Rubio returned to her writing. “But don’t miss your ultrasound appointment. It’s imperative that we have you looked at right away.”
Julia sat very, very still.
All she could think about was Grace.
“Darling, I’m in the middle of my seminar. Can I call you back?” Gabriel’s voice was low as he answered his cell phone.
“I’m so sorry. I forgot. I’ll just see you at home.” Julia was flustered and fighting back tears. She could hear footsteps on the other end of the line and the closing of the door.
“I’m in the hallway now. What’s going on?”
“I’m on my way home. I’ll see you soon. Please apologize to your students for me.” Julia disconnected before she began sobbing. Somehow the sound of his voice, patient and sweet, made everything worse.
She buried her face in her hands just as her cell phone rang. She didn’t have to look at it to know who was calling.
“H-hello?”
“What happened?”
“I’ll tell you at dinner.” She hiccuped.
“No, you’ll tell me now, or I’ll cancel my seminar and come and find you. You’re worrying me.”
“The doctor found something during my exam.”
Silence emerged from the other end of the line.
She could hear Gabriel inhale sharply.
“Found what?”
“The doctor doesn’t know. I’m supposed to go for an ultrasound at Mount Auburn Hospital as soon as possible.”
“Are you all right?”
“Yes.” Julia did her best to lie convincingly.
“Where are you?”
“I’m walking home from the doctor’s office.”
“Stay where you are. I’ll come and get you.”
“You’ll have to cancel your seminar.”
“I can’t teach a class knowing that you’re alone and crying. Stay there and I’ll call you back in a minute.”
“I’ll be fine. I’m just in shock.”
“You aren’t fine. Just give me a minute.”
“I’m almost home. I’ll see you soon.”
She disconnected the phone.
Gabriel cursed, then opened the door to his seminar room to cancel his class.
In the days between Julia’s appointment with her doctor and her ultrasound, Gabriel received a call from his urologist indicating that his sperm production was normal. Professor Emerson was gloriously fertile.
(Parenthetically, it should be noted that he never doubted his fertility.) His relief was overshadowed by the anxiety he felt over Julia. He put on a brave face, not wanting to upset her, but inwardly, he was afraid.
She was young. She was healthy. Of course, Grace had been young and healthy prior to her diagnosis. She’d had breast cancer for some time before it was discovered.
Gabriel’s virility and strength was such that he rarely, if ever, felt helpless. But gazing at his beloved wife while she tossed and turned night after night made him feel impotent. She was light and life and love and goodness. And it was possible she was very, very sick.
Gabriel closed his eyes and prayed.
“Sweetie?” Her voice came out of the darkness.
“Yes?”
“I want you to promise me something.”
He rolled to his side so he could see her better.
“Anything.”
“Promise that if anything happens to me, you’ll take care of yourself.”
“Don’t say such things.” His tone was unnecessarily sharp.
“I mean it, Gabriel. Whether my time is soon or when I’m old and gray. I want you to promise that you’ll continue on the path that you’re on. That you’ll be a good man, that you’ll live a good life and that you’ll try to find happiness.”
Gabriel felt as if he were choking as a myriad of emotions bubbled up into his throat.
“I won’t find happiness without you.”
“You found peace without me,” she whispered. “You found peace in Assisi. You can live without me. We both know that you can.”
He placed his palm on top of her stomach, his fingers stroking her naked skin.
“How can a man live without his heart?”
She pressed her hand over his.
“Richard does.”