He pulled back, panting, dragging his lips down her neck. Carefully avoiding her love bite from earlier, he brushed a kiss against her hair. Julia moaned and wrapped his hair around her fingers.
“It’s too dangerous, love. I can’t kiss you the way I would like to and be able to stop.”
Despite his protestation, his hands ran tantalizing courses up and down the curves of her bottom and over the flare of her hips, teasing and pressing into her. Julia tried to kiss him again, but he caught her face with his hand, stroking her gently.
“Too much of that and I’ll have you right here,” he whispered. “You deserve better. You deserve everything, and that’s what I’m going to give to you.”
She leaned into his hand.
“Given your decision, there are a few other things we should discuss.” Gabriel’s voice was no longer playful and sultry. He cleared his throat and took a couple of deliberate deep breaths. “If you choose to go on the pill or if you are on it already, that’s fine. But I need to tell you that contraception is unnecessary.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I can’t have children, Julianne.”
She blinked at him.
“Are children something you always wanted? Maybe I should have brought this up sooner.” He shifted somewhat anxiously.
She paused as his revelation began to sink in. “I didn’t exactly come from a happy family. There have been times when I thought it might be nice to have a husband and a baby. But I never really thought something like that would work out for me.”
“Why not?”
She shrugged and averted her eyes. “I never thought I’d find someone who could love me. I’m not exactly sexy. I’m shy. And weak.”
“Oh, Julia.” He embraced her and kissed her on both cheeks. “You’re wrong. You are incredibly sexy. And you are far from weak.”
She fingered the lapel of his leather jacket for a moment. “I’m sorry to hear that you can’t have children. Lots of couples have trouble conceiving.”
Gabriel stiffened. “Their situations are completely different.”
“How so?”
“Their infertility is natural.”
Julia noticed Gabriel’s eyes narrow as he watched her with a very worried expression.
She raised a hand to his face and gently touched his cheek. “Were you very disappointed when you found out?”
He grasped her wrist and removed her hand from his face. “I was relieved, Julianne. And I didn’t find out.”
“Then how…”
“I made the decision to have myself sterilized when I came out of rehab.”
She swallowed hard.
“Oh Gabriel, why?”
“Because someone like me shouldn’t reproduce. I told you about my father. I told you what I was like when I was doing drugs. I thought it would be irresponsible to leave open any kind of paternity. So I had it taken care of, and I will not have it reversed. I decided that there would be no children for me. Ever.”
He turned his piercing gaze on her. “I didn’t account for you, though. And now I almost regret my decision. But really, Julianne, it’s better this way. Trust me.” His body suddenly tensed, as if he were preparing himself for an onslaught. “You might decide it would be best not to get involved with me now.”
“Gabriel, please. I just—need a minute.” Julia moved to sit beside him as she tried to process the information he’d just given her.
Gabriel followed suit, tugging on one of the blankets so that it was wrapped around her entirely. She realized that he’d given her a half-admission, that the true secret was the event or events that led to his despair. Those events had to be more than just his upbringing and his drug use.
Does it matter? Is there a secret he could tell that would kill your love for him?
He was as still as a statue in the cascading moonlight, awaiting her response. The minutes seemed like hours to him.
I love him. Nothing he could say could kill that. Nothing.
“I’m so sorry, Gabriel.” She flung her arms around his neck. “But I still want you. I realize there might come a time when we need to revisit this conversation, but I’ll accept what you’ve said for now.”
At first he was taken aback by her reaction. Then her gentle acceptance overwhelmed him. It made it difficult for him to find the right words.
“Julia, I need to tell you who I am. What I am.” He was suddenly insistent.
“I will listen to whatever you have to say, but I still want you. It was always you, Gabriel.”
He cupped her face in his hands and kissed her gently, as if his soul was begging to be joined to hers. “It was always you, Julianne. Only you.”
He held her and breathed in her comfort. All of a sudden, he could see the future. He had hope. He had faith that maybe, just maybe, when she knew everything, she would look at him with those big, brown eyes and say that she still wanted him.
You love her. Once again the voice came out of nowhere, only this time Gabriel recognized it. And he silently whispered his thanks.