“Wait, I’m sorry. But did Gavin just say he swallowed a penny?” Claire asks, wiping the tears off of her cheeks.
“Oh, yeah. Well, we think he swallowed a penny. We’re not quite sure,” Drew explains. “He wanted some candy so Liz dumped out her purse on the floor because she knew she had a bunch of Tic Tacs at the bottom. He started scooping things up and shoving them in his mouth before we saw what he was doing. According to him, he swallowed a penny. But kids are liars.”
Gavin stomps his foot. “YOU’RE A LIAR YOU BIG FAT TURKEY!”
“I am not fat. I’m muscular. Get your facts straight,” Drew argues.
“Okay, can someone please tell me if my kid really swallowed a penny?” Claire asks loudly, putting a halt to the arguing.
“Well, I Googled ‘kids swallowing pennies’ and you’d be surprised how many hits I got,” Liz says. “Anyway, as long as the penny was made before 1982, he’ll be fine.”
Claire and I stare at her for a few minutes before Claire explodes.
“What the fuck?!”
“Awwwwww, Mom,” Gavin scolds as he pointed at her.
“I’m sorry, what the f-u-c-k does t-h-a-t mean and w-h-a-t do we do n-o-w?”
She has officially turned into one of the Stepford mothers, spelling words she doesn’t even need to spell because she is so freaked out. She is not going to be happy about this.
“It’s fine, Claire. I used my metal detector on him and the penny wasn’t there,” George stated.
“You’re kidding me, right? You know there’s this fancy thing called a hospital you can go to, don’t you?” she asks.
“I walked uphill both ways in a snow storm with no shoes just to get to school when I was his age, and I ate metal shavings for fun. A little copper isn’t going to hurt him,” George argues.
“Unless the penny was made after 1982 because then it’s made with enough zinc to melt his esophagus,” Drew said matter-of-factly. “I’m pretty sure that would have happened by now though, so he’s probably good.”
Claire bends down next to Gavin and pulls him into her arms.
“Sweetie, how do you feel? Is your tummy okay?” she asks him.
“My tummy is good. Papa said I need to drop a deuce and check it for money. I can poop money!” he says excitedly.
“I wish I could poop money,” Drew complains.
I bend down next to Claire and Gavin, gathering both of them in my arms.
“Just so you know, we’re totally eloping,” I tell her.
“Oh thank God,” she replied.
22. Hump, Hump, Hump
“So you really like it?” Carter asks for the hundredth time.
We are finally in bed relaxing after the long day, and I can’t stop staring at my ring.
“I think I like it more than you.”
Carter laughs. “Very funny.”
“Oh, I’m totally serious. I’ve been thinking all this time that you just didn’t want to marry me and here you were carrying a ring around in your pocket. I kind of want to whittle my toothbrush into a shiv and stick it in your eye,” I tell him seriously.
He rolled over onto his side and rested his hand on my stomach.
“I’m sorry. I should have done it the day I bought the ring. I just wanted it to be perfect and then we found out you were pregnant and I know how your mind works. You would have never believed I was doing it for the right reasons if I did it right when we found out,” he says as he gently rubs his palm in a circle on my protruding belly.
“I know, you’re right. My mother said the same thing,” I tell him, placing my hand on top of his and pushing it down towards the bottom of my stomach where I usually feel the teeny tiny kicking of little feet. To me it feels like bubbles popping, and I'm not sure if he would be able to feel it yet but it doesn’t hurt to try.
“Rachel actually said something that made sense?” he asks in surprise.
“Yeah, it shocked me too,” I say, turning my head on the pillow so I can see his face. “I should have just talked to you. Obviously I suck at the whole communication thing. I’m much better at suffering in silence.”
Carter scoots closer and moves his hand out from under mine, sliding it up the front of my body until it rests on my cheek.
“I think we both have a long ways to go in the communication department. We’ll get there though,” he assures me.
“Did I tell you that when all this doubt crept into my mind I told Liz about it and she suggested that I give you a prostate massage?”
“Oh my God, stop. Don’t say any more. Jim actually told me about the night she did that to him and it was horrifying. Please don’t say any more,” he warns.
“I don’t know, you might like it,” I tease.
“Hey, I don’t even let anybody wag their finger in my FACE,” Carter says in a Brooklyn accent.
“Seriously? A Sopranos quote now?”
“Um, yes. There is a Sopranos quote for every occasion. Hence, the reason for its awesomeness. Respect The Sopranos,” Carter tells me seriously.
I roll over onto my side toward him and slide my leg up and over Carter’s hip, running my fingers through his hair.