When we speed walk down the remaining stairs and out the doors, back to the car where we take turns pouring champagne directly into each other抯 mouths, spilling it and licking over the spots that grow sticky on our skin.
Later, in the bath together, with his chest pressed to my back and his beard scraping against the crook of my neck, forearms shifting across my middle while I grip the edges of the tub in ecstasy, his ministrations hidden beneath the bubbles. Afterwards, when he makes us pizza-dillas with pepperoni and mozzarella in tortillas. While I sit on the island in his tie and a fluffy robe, telling him stories about when Marissa and I first moved to L.A., him contributing his own ramen-noodle-day tales, in turn.
We almost miss our plane the next morning. Neither of us remembers to charge our phones, which means we oversleep and I hold us up even more as I shove everything back into my suitcase in a palpable panic. Meyer nearly gives himself an aneurysm over not saying I told you so since he tried to pack for me last night. I think he might be really angry with me, and I mentally draw out all my apologies while we jog through all the jog-able parts of the airport.
But then, when we finally manage to scramble into our seats, the last two passengers to board, I notice that he抯 wearing mismatched shoes at the same time he finds a false eyelash stuck to the side of my neck, and we laugh until we cry and gasp, when a flight attendant has to come calmly ask us to please try to quiet down. We spend the short flight avoiding eye contact so we don抰 burst into any more giggle fits.
The next week passes in this special brand of domestic bliss. Our own version of it; between a plane, a tour bus, and more hotel rooms.
It feels exactly like you抎 think. Like being at overnight camp with your best friend who also happens to supply you with mind-bending orgasms.
I go out on stage two more times, and I feel?fearless about it. Relaxed. It feels as good and as fulfilling as the high I remember, and I have no doubt that this is because he抯 by my side.
There is only one more show for me on this mini tour, though, and it抯 also the same day that Meyer leaves to go back to retrieve Hazel from Ohio. I promise him that I抦 fine, and I think I truly mean it. It feels like all my pieces have settled into place, and I抳e got the set memorized down to the word and each facial expression now, honed to sharp perfection.
Meyer抯 hovering, though. Worried. There抯 a weird, melancholy layer in his words like his mind is elsewhere or churning on more, no matter how I reassure him.
揓onesy??He calls to me now from somewhere inside the room.
揙ut here!?
I smile up at him in his towel when he walks through the door. 揓esus, aren抰 you cold?!?
揘ot for long.?He smirks before he slips behind me on the lounge chair and cradles me against him.
We sit together quietly this way for awhile, sharing the same glass of wine while we look out at the Golden Gate Bridge from a hotel balcony in Nob Hill. And I don抰 know why, but my brain can抰 seem to help it: I start to think that maybe this is all too good to be true. How does one person get this lucky in life? To do something big that fills them with such incredibly overwhelming feelings, with their best friend梑est love梐longside. Something that takes them so many places in front of so many faces. And yet, the view that far outshines them, the faces that I love more than anything, that fill me with the the biggest feelings of all, also exist with me the most quietly. I pull Meyer抯 arms tighter around me.
揂re you packed? You know, you shouldn抰 put that off until the last second. Just a pro tip for you.?I knock on his forearm with my knuckles.
揌a. You don抰 say? Yes, I抦 packed,?he kisses my temple.
揂re you梐re you okay??I ask after a bit.
He sighs. 揧es. I just need to talk to you about something and I抦 being an idiot about it.?
揜eally??I whip around, but can barely make out his eyes even with the city lights shining. 揕et抯 go inside.?
He shuffles around the room a bit, picking up odds and ends. Plugs in his phone with a meaningful look and a halfhearted grin my way.
揗eyer. You抮e scaring me. Come talk to me, please.?I flip over the corner of the comforter and pat the empty spot at my side.
He nods and removes his towel, the dim lighting making the umbrella appear black and white. He slides in beside me and I start to trace it with my fingertips.
揊ee,?more sighs. 揑 was thinking?I know the tour is going to be great. I know it.?I still my fingers and frown up at him.
揑 know that, too,?I say, and that makes him blow out a breath with a nod. 揥e抳e got each other抯 backs. Just like we have from day one, yeah??I add with what I hope is a reassuring smile. His eyes round for the blip of a second, and I almost think I抳e said the wrong thing?But then he smiles back, his fullest one.
揧es. Of course.?
揑s that what you wanted to talk to me about? Again??I nudge him with my elbow.
He shakes his head and his brow furrows. 揗ove in with me? Would you梬ould you want to live with Hazel and I??
It feels a bit like ascending the stairs in the dark. You think you have another step, but then experience that swooping, bottoming out feeling when you realize you抮e already on the top floor. Hearing that his mind is on the same plane as mine is a happy surprise even if it抯 also a little jarring.
I slide my knee around to bracket his hips, cup his face in my hands. 揑抎 love to live with you guys,?I swipe along his beard with my thumbs. 揃ut, make sure you get Hazel抯 approval, first, okay??
He nods solemnly before he cups the back of my head and brings my lips to his.
The next morning I opt to ride with him to the airport after a small internal debate. I still feel like he needs something from me, like I need to ease his spirit somehow. It makes me wonder if I should act nonchalant about being separated from him, even if it抯 for two days. It should probably feel nonchalant, but I抳e never been great at belittling my happier feelings, only ever mastered reducing some of the sadder ones.
So, we ride to the airport in hushed conversation, taking turns kissing our clasped hands. And when pull up to the curb to drop him off, I focus on imagining the next time he抣l be on an airport curb, in L.A., when I get to pick up him with Hazel, our trio reunited.
揑n Vegas棓 bursts from him just before my lips make their way to his. 揑n Vegas. I tried to tell you. I know I was drunk, but it only let loose what was already there. When you said you wanted to be stupid with love, I tried to tell you how I felt. That you were the only person I抳e ever been stupid with.?
I search his expression, not sure what I抦 supposed to find. 揂nd I immediately tried to get in your pants, Meyer,?I laugh. 揑 thought I scared you off.?
His face crumples in confusion. 揥hen did you try to get in my pants??
揢h, when I immediately invited you back to my room??
揧ou said厰 He tilts his head to the side, trying to remember. 揧ou said we had an early morning and should get back to the room.?
揟hat was just my attempt at being smooth about it.?
揑 said I would walk you back.?
揥hich, one would do if one was going to go join the other in their room for some coital revelry.?
揊ee. I thought I scared you off by saying that. I thought I was just walking you back to be polite and say goodnight,?he replies.
And now I抦 laughing full-out. 揑 thought I scared you off when I had a mini meltdown. I thought I scared you off with my obvious panic! And then when you left I told myself I抎 misinterpreted the whole thing.?We抮e both laughing, eyes shining.
揑 guess we抮e both pretty stupid after all, huh??I say.
揘o. Becoming your friend was梚s梩he smartest thing I抳e ever done,?he says, laugh fading. 揑 got the tattoo because I wanted to remember that feeling that you gave me the first time I met you. When you burst inside and demanded to make a connection. I wanted to remember to not be afraid of that, anymore. Even if it doesn抰 look the same for everyone. Even if some people speak with their hands, some use a mic, or art, whatever. You did it with your friendship with us.?
揝o you don抰 regret it, then? I couldn抰 help but wonder, since you did put it in such a discreet area,?I laugh because if I don抰, I抣l cry.
揑 mean, I was drunk, but even in my state I knew if I showed up with something permanently inked on my skin to show you how I felt, it might feel a little manipulative,?he quirks a brow down at me.
揘ah. I liked it better how it played out anyway. Like double the reward.?
He nods, brushing against my nose with his. 揑 know.?His palm slips to the base of my throat, shifting into the sign against my chest as he smiles into my lips. 揑抣l see you in a few days.?
I kiss him like it抣l be a few years. Hold out my hand in the sign when he steps away from me.
33
NOW