Kara Wu is here.
At my show.
The show that just killed.
She抯 smiling in my direction.
My favorite comedienne, one of the most famous in the country梬ho has written for wildly successful shows and has hosted Saturday Night Live梚s here and she is smiling in my direction.
So, naturally, I do the thing. The thing that no cool girl ever does.
I look around to see who she is smiling at.
I close my eyes and sigh through my nose when I realize what I抳e done, steel myself, and turn back to her with a shaky smile.
When she is in my immediate proximity, I double back my gaze up to Meyer and check that I抦 not hallucinating. He just tilts a close-lipped grin down at me, a mildly entertained look in his eyes.
I tear my eyes away and turn back to Kara Wu, still smiling expectantly. I also vaguely register Bob in my peripheral, silently laughing and pulling up his phone to snap a photo.
揊arley??Kara Wu says.
揔ara Wu??I squeak. It comes out like an accusation.
She laughs. 揓ust Kara is fine. Fucking great show.?Ohmygod, I love her. A mom who is not afraid to pull the punches with the language in her set and obviously not in regular life, either. Gritty, real, raunchy, and naturally hilarious. I want her to be my friend. I would follow her around and slice grapes for her kids, I would talk on the phone to her, I would?I don抰 know, the talking on the phone thing short-circuited my brain.
Meyer elbows me but speaks on our behalf while I continue my brain reboot. 揔ara. It抯 been a few years, but I met you awhile back.?He reaches out to shake her hand.
揙h, I remember you, alright. Back from when I was touring with Marshall. I wouldn抰 forget your face.?She looks up at him through her lashes with an appreciative grin. Can抰 blame her, he is a sight worthy of the appreciation. Tall, muscular, perfectly weathered with that salty brown hair and beard. The boy-next-door turned into a devastating man. But, when she maintains her grip on his hand a little too long, a flare of possessiveness runs through me and forces me through my hard reset.
揟hank you. I cannot believe you抮e here,?I say and punch out my own hand for her to take.
揥ell, believe it. I抳e had you on my radar for a while now, which brings me to this.?She gestures for someone to come over. 揟his is my manager, Clay. Clay, Meyer, you guys talk. I抦 going to have a chat with Farley over here.?Oh, God. Okay. It抯 happening. This is happening.
We walk away a few paces before she turns to me. 揑抦 just going to lay my cards on the table, here. I want you to open for us on our tour.?
Don抰 burst into violently happy tears, Fee. Don抰. Not yet, at least. 揙pen. For you. For you, and棓
揊or me and for Shauna Cooper. We love you, and while there are a few others in the running, you抎 be our first pick. I just wanted to feel some things out with you first.?
Steely determination crawls through me, my heart hammering in my ears. That抯 my spot. 揥hat do I need to do??
揥ell, to be frank, there抯 nothing really that you can do in a work aspect. Your sets speak for themselves. You抮e our first pick because we want the sharpest comedy from start to finish. Not to mention on paper, you抎 be the perfect addition to round us out. We have good representation between us in terms of age, sexuality, and ethnicity, and we抮e not afraid of being dirty. You bring the quirk, I bring the mom factor, Shauna brings the take on the political-social climate. But we抮e still an all-female comedy tour, and this is still a primarily male lead faction of the entertainment industry. And I want it to blow this shit out of the water, Farley. I want all the hype for this. We need to have a killer PR run before this thing starts, which means we need to garner some media attention. Hence, this conversation.?
揙kay. I抦 okay with that. I抦 totally on board.?I love the sound of that. The number of Netflix specials featuring men versus female comedians is staggering. I am vibrating with excitement and motivation.
揑t also means interviews, potentially, and unfortunately, people getting invested in your personal life?a definite. People tend to be more invested in female comedians when they feel like they know, or get, where the jokes are being developed.?
Okay?I don抰 love the sound of that?
揑抦 not proud of it, but if it gains a bigger following for this and gets us the exposure we deserve, I抦 not above a little healthy exploitation.?
揑 get it. I do,?I say, but don抰 mask the wary tone to my voice.
揥e have an idea. Well, I have an idea, at least.?
揙kay厰
揥ell, you抮e young, cute, and nothing garners attention quite like other people抯 love lives.?
I freeze in panic, my tongue swelling in my mouth as I grimace and huff out a laugh, suspecting the direction this is headed for.
揑 would just prefer that part of my real life to stay somewhat private,?I lie. I don抰 need to explain that what I share on stage is different.
揢nderstandable. But, even if we don抰 stoke the flame of publicity beforehand, you do understand that it would be a natural byproduct of taking this on? I have SNL booked two months from now, plus Shauna has a movie coming out, and will be photographed at every one of Tyson抯 games until the tour starts厰 Right. Shauna Cooper is dating Tyson Callahan, star something for the something-somethings of a sport. I don抰 care who she dates. I care deeply for her comedy, though?
But that抯 just it, isn抰 it? I have an investment in her after years of watching her and looking up to her. And yet even I still know that who she dates is newsworthy and has probably drawn more people to look her up.
揗y卍ating life. It抯 not actually existent,?I admit.
She laughs quickly before smoothing it away. 揙h believe me, I know. I figured that. Not that you seem undateable or anything. I just know how it is when you抮e starting out.?She smiles warmly before blowing out a breath. 揥ould you object to being photographed with a celebrity faux-beau? Let some speculative gossip happen??
揙h my god, that抯 a thing? Celebrities really fake attachments for publicity??
She curls an eyebrow my way. Oops, she did not like the judgment implied in that tone.
揟hey do. Most people are willing to do a lot of mildly uncomfortable things when it comes to furthering their ambitions.?
Touch?
My eyes clash with Meyer抯 from across the room, and I抦 transported back to months ago when we were working through the material that抯 in my current set. We stayed up for hours, him helping me work through a bit about the bleakness of Tinder, about how being in stand-up always hinders dating?
揥hy do you think it is, though, Meyer? For real. Why do I get ghosted when men find out I抦 in comedy??I asked him, genuinely wondering. Hazel抯 head laid in my lap, dozing softly.
揑抦 not sure. It seems clich? but I think men, especially the ones who want to think that they themselves are funny, are intimidated by funny women. Probably because they don抰 want to risk being source material.?
揥ell, how interesting. Men are afraid of women being funnier than them, and women are afraid of, oh, I don抰 know, being oppressed, beaten, raped, or killed by men. But look out! Funny chick here might follow you down an alley and make you chuckle without consent!?
揑 think you just found your punchline.?He smiled, a megawatt thing that deepened the creases around his eyes and brought my attention to the ones that bracketed his mouth. New ones that I抎 never noticed before. A laugh escaped.
揙h my god,?I said with unfiltered awe before I could even think to stop myself. And, immediately, the smile was gone. He didn抰 break eye contact, though. A muscle in his jaw rippled.
揂nyone who is pathetic enough to let you being funny梠r your career梘et in the way of being with you doesn抰 deserve you, Fee.?
Kara抯 words pluck at my brain in the present, and I remember, 揧ou said you had an idea??
She looks at her manager and Meyer, waving them over. 揑 do.?
38 MONTHS AGO
揃efore you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He抯 a mile away, and you抳e got his shoes.? Billy Connolly
MEYER
I抳e stood alone on a stage, sweating under blinding lights, talking about genitalia, politicians, and 憏our mom? in front of a thousand people before, and I still don抰 think I抳e ever been this nervous.
I wipe my palms on my jeans as I look around at a table full of seven-year-old girls staring blankly back at me. It抯 the first birthday party I抳e ever thrown for Hazel, and so far, I am patently not crushing it. 揑抦 going to go call and check on the pizzas.?I tell them, and I sign it as well as speak it, since her friend Olive is not Deaf.