Tossing the wrapper to the nightstand, I lifted my leg a little to ease him inside. Another steady stream of curse words left his mouth and I stared at the sliver of light on the headboard that filtered in past the closed curtain from the street lights outside the window. I stared at it and counted the minutes while I rode him, knowing that I would get absolutely no pleasure out of the act whatsoever. That wasn’t one of the rules – that was just a side effect of that infamous experience that had apparently changed the landscape of my sex life forever.
The rules were: I had to be on top, condoms were a must because the idea of the skin on skin contact of making love without one freaked me out, and I reserved the right to stop no matter how far into the act we were. Aside from the fact that these restrictions made sex for me more of a chore than an escape, it made it hella boring and methodical. The element of surprise had completely been removed, but that was actually the whole point of having these rules in place, according to Dr. Gill.
She assumed that I still bore quite a few emotional scars from Antonio – scars that heightened my anxiety when it came to sex. So, to quell the fear, I enacted boundaries that Jason and I never deviated from since the first time we’d had sex. Ever. For this reason I sometimes wondered if I’d never had an orgasm with him because I was bored, but deep down I knew that it was psychological. Either way, I was getting ready to fake it once more for the sake of not bruising his ego.
I moaned and screamed like a pro, gripping and kneading his chest in my hands like I wasn’t in control of my limbs, grinding my hips into his pelvis. Thinking I was getting excited almost always made him cum, which was technically the reason why I put on such a good act. I wanted to get off of him, shower, and go to bed ASAP.
He grunted and arched upward toward me a little when he climaxed, holding my waist tightly in his hands. The second I was sure he’d finished, I climbed off of him quickly and got to my feet. Jason slipped the condom down his length and disappeared in the bathroom to flush it down the toilet.
“Want me to start the water for you?” He asked, knowing that showering immediately after was also part of the rigmarole.
“Yeah, thanks,” I called out.
Before he returned, I had on the white robe that the hotel provided and was slipping on a shower cap to keep my hair from getting wet and looking like hell for the wedding. When he passed by, Jason kissed my cheek and told me how good it was.
Lies. But whatever.
I closed the door to the bathroom and stepped inside the shower, letting the hot water roll down my back for a while before washing. Being intimate brought my issues to the forefront of my mind every time. Jason had no way of knowing this – because I’d never admit it – but that was precisely why I didn’t want him living with me. I could imagine it already. Every night I’d have anxiety about us sharing a bed. With him having his own quarters to retreat to at night, I had a little bit more control.
I hated that I was so broken. More than that, I hated that Jason had to pay for it. Sometimes, I wondered why he even stayed. And then, as quickly as I’d ask the question, the answer would come to me – because he loved me.
When I stepped back into the room, Jason was asleep and snoring heavily like I figured he’d be. I pulled on a pair of pajama shorts and an old t-shirt before slipping beneath the sheets. I eased in close to his naked body. If I could just have this, the body heat and Jason’s company without the sex, I’d move in with him in a heartbeat.
Chapter Five
Sam
When morning came, Jason woke me with a kiss to the forehead.
“I already went down and got us some food. It was like a zoo down there,” he added, referring to the crowd that must’ve gathered around the continental breakfast.
With a smile, I accepted the plain bagel and two sausage links he’d managed to snag for me. “Thank you.”
He sat on the edge of the bed beside me and sipped from the cup of coffee in his hand. I watched him and found myself thinking back to last night – how patient he’s been with me, how he doesn’t let my issues and hang-ups come between us.
“You’re a good man, Jason Fenelus, you know that?”
He turned his head to look at me with that same warmth in those beautiful eyes of his that stole my heart from day one. He leaned in to kiss me, tasting like cream and sugar.