“You need to talk?” He asked softly.
“He’s never hit me before. I didn’t think he’d ever do anything like that. I can remember when I was younger and he used to treat me like I was his little princess. Wherever he went I was right there with him. I was daddy’s little girl. Now, lately it’s like I can’t do anything right in his eyes. I hate feeling like I disappoint him, but at the same time I’m tired of trying to please him all the time too.” My eyes shifted away as I became embarrassed. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought it up.”
“Don’t do that.” He lifted my chin and stared at me intently. “Whenever something’s bothering you I want to know about it. Your problems are my problems and we’ll get through this together. I’m not gonna try and pretend that I can relate to what you’re feeling, but I’ll do my best to be understanding. I mean, if you can’t talk to me who can you talk to?”
AJ wanted to get inside my head, so I let him in. He lay there and listened as I continued to explain my feelings, only offering me advice when I asked for it. I did my best not to tear up again, but who was I kidding? I cried like the whole event had just happened. He held me as I spoke broken sentences in between sniffling. After a while I completely gave in to the sobbing and stopped trying to speak altogether. AJ didn’t say a word. He just held me and let me get it all out of my system and that was exactly what I needed. My tears flowed for an entire hour before I was able to pull myself together.
Talking to him helped me find some sort of resolve. The theory that I came up with was that my father wanted me to remain that same little girl that used to hang on his every word, but he seemed to have missed the part where I grew up. When he finally started noticing changes in me, it was more than he could handle. To him it must’ve seemed like those changes occurred overnight and he didn’t want to let me go. When I thought of it this way it was hard to be as angry with him as I was before. I was definitely still upset about our physical altercation, but I could understand how he must’ve felt. I felt myself dozing in AJ’s arms. In them, I felt like nothing could hurt me.
I slept there on him that way all night and awoke in the morning to him staring at me. My initial reaction was to feel embarrassed, but his expression eased my worry. It was almost as if he were admiring me as I lay there. He leaned in and kissed me on my forehead. I closed my eyes again and the image that flooded my mind was the memory of my father’s hand striking my face. I was immediately reminded of the embarrassment, hurt, and anger that I felt the night before. “I’m so sorry about my father. I……I had no idea he……”
“Don’t apologize,” he interrupted. “That wasn’t your fault.”
I found myself wishing that there was a way to rewind time, but then realized that it wouldn’t have made a difference anyway. There was no chance that I would have changed one thing that led me to AJ. I turned my face and kissed him once on his chest before getting up to take a shower. He’d brought my bag upstairs the night before, so I dragged it behind me sluggishly.
The sound of the running shower drowned out my thoughts, and I was grateful for that. My face was pressed against the cool tile as the water run down my body. The tears that I thought had dried up began to surge again as I stood there motionlessly. My father’s words were swirling around my head like a hurricane wreaking havoc on my peace of mind. They’d cut me pretty deep. I thought of AJ proving daddy right one day. I’d be lying if I said that his statement didn’t have me feeling a little troubled.
Thirty minutes later, I emerged from the bathroom and my whole body felt drained. AJ was exactly where I’d left him. I lay across the bed in my towel and stared at the sun’s light illuminating a small patch on the wall through the blinds.