My lips slowly parted. Holy shit. Katie and her super stripping psychic power had been on point. I had thought it was crazy for, well, obvious reasons, and because this whole time I wasn’t convinced that I had the power to break Nick’s heart. But I did. It was the baby, I realized—losing the baby. It sounded crazy, but Katie had been right.
“What happened with Nick?” Roxy asked gently.
I drew in a shaky breath. “I . . . I broke his heart.”
Thursday afternoon blurred into the night.
At some point I migrated from the couch to my bedroom, and as I lay in bed, I didn’t sleep. I couldn’t sleep. My mind turned over everything I had done and hadn’t done since I found out I was pregnant, searching tirelessly for that one misstep I took.
Roxy didn’t leave, but she gave me space, only coming into the bedroom when enough hours had past for her to pester me into eating the chicken soup that I had no idea how she obtained, because I didn’t have any in the house, but that soup reminded me of Nick.
And that made the hurt so much fresher.
I thought I heard Reece’s voice Thursday night, and then later I thought I heard Calla. At first I assumed I was imagining it, but then I realized dimly that Calla was home now. The semester at Shepherd was over. I prayed that she wouldn’t come into the room, and she didn’t.
All night long I lay awake and didn’t cry. There was a vast emptiness that consumed my thoughts. I couldn’t turn any of it off like I had in the emergency room Wednesday night. I just wanted it to be over—the physical pain and the deeper, sharper, and more hurtful pain.
Sometime in the quiet early morning hours, I came to the realization that I had wanted this baby far more than I ever recognized. It was like that cheesy saying, “You don’t know what you have until it’s gone,” and that was so damn true. The burning in my throat and eyes increased.
I curled up, tucking my legs in. It wasn’t fair. None of this was fair, and I hadn’t hurt this badly since those two uniformed marines showed up at our front door when I was fifteen.
In the back of my head I knew I needed to pull myself out of this. I needed to get up, brush myself off, and I needed to get on with life. That’s what I always did, and I would have to do it again, but I hadn’t just lost the baby.
I’d lost a future.
Roxy attempted to get me to eat breakfast Friday morning, and I thought she looked as bad as I felt when she left the bedroom, her brown hair falling out of the topknot. I wanted to tell her that she didn’t have to stay. She had a life she needed to get back to. I would be fine.
I was always fine.
A few minutes before eleven in the morning, I heard the door open and I was expecting to see Roxy, but it was Katie who walked into my bedroom, closing the door behind her, and I almost didn’t recognize her.
Face cleared of all traces of makeup and her long blond hair pulled up in a high ponytail, she was wearing the plainest outfit I’d ever seen her in. Blue jeans and a white wool sweater. I’d never seen her so . . . low key.
Katie made her way to the bed and sat on the edge, her blue eyes bright without any of the eye shadow or dark liner. “Roxy had to run home.”
My throat was dry as I spoke. “You didn’t have to come. I’m just . . . taking it easy.”
“Kind of hard to take it easy after losing a baby.”
I sucked in a shallow breath. Apparently her normal bluntness was not missing. I didn’t know what to say to that.
“You must be feeling ill,” she added, hooking one knee over the other. “I know that when someone miscarries, they feel pretty shitty for a couple of days. Not just mentally. Roxy said you haven’t eaten breakfast.”
“I’m not hungry,” I said after a moment.
She folded her hands in her lap. “You should probably try to eat something.”
I didn’t respond as I squirmed under the blankets. A muggy, suffocating feeling draped over me. I was embarrassed by the attention—by the fact my friends thought I needed a babysitter right now when all I needed was . . .
I didn’t let myself finish that thought.
“I’m fine,” I told her from my prone position on the bed. There was a good chance my cheek was plastered to the pillow.
One eyebrow rose. “I warned you.”
My breathing slowed.
Katie shook her head slowly, sadly. “I just had this feeling, you know? I knew you were going to break his heart and you’re doing it.”
I squeezed my eyes shut. Was God smiting me or something? I really didn’t need this right now.
“But I never thought you’d be this . . . stupid.”
My eyes flew open. “Excuse me?”
“I mean, you’re this confident, intelligent, and sexy woman. You could have men on their knees if you wanted them there. And you’re fucking dumb as a bag rocks right now.” She looked down at me. “Roxy told me you all but kicked Nick out of your apartment . . . after telling him you lost the baby. You know, the baby you two created together.”