The drive to the funeral home is quiet. Katelyn plays with her rings, much like she did when she got engaged. I look down at my bare hand, and wonder when Nick will slip a ring on my finger. There doesn’t need to be an announcement; people expect it. Nick and I have been together for six years. It was time to make a decision. A man like Nick isn’t going to wait around forever. Everyone says he’s a catch because he’s the one of us who really made something out of his education and they’re right. I’d be stupid not to marry the town’s pediatrician.
Picking out a casket is a lot harder than it seems. You can pick the type of wood, inlay and the color. All things that Katelyn had to decide while sitting in an office that smells like dead people.
Katelyn has to pick music, programs and list the pall bearers. I watch as she writes down the names, leaving the sixth spot blank.
“You forgot one,” I point out.
She shakes her head. “Just in case,” she says. She doesn’t have to explain what she means, I know who she’s referring to, but I don’t want to think about… him.
After I drop her off, I head home. Noah should be back from school and I just want to hug him until I’m reasonably certain he’s never going to leave me.
“Noah?” I call as I enter the house. The TV is on and I find him lying on the couch. He’s watching an old game film of Mason and Nick from high school. I hear that familiar name and look down at Noah, running my fingers through his hair. “What’s going on, buddy?”
“Just watching,” he says, curling into my hand.
I sit down and cuddle him into my lap. I love that he is still my little boy when I need him to be.
“You look so funny, mom.” He starts laughing. I pull his hair and pinch his ear just so I can continue to hear his giggles.
“Just wait until you’re my age and we watch your videos.”
“Anyone home?”
“In here,” I yell as Nick comes into the house. He takes one look at what we’re watching and scoots in behind me, wrapping his arm around my shoulders.
“Why are we watching this?” he whispers into my ear. I shrug and motion toward Noah. Nick knows I’d never put this in, watching these highlights does nothing but open old memories.
Noah continues to laugh at me and Nick about how funny we looked in high school. Each time I remind him that I have naked baby pictures of him and I’ll be showing them to all his girlfriends.
Beaumont wins the game and that’s my cue to turn it off. I search for the remote, panic setting in. I don’t want to see what’s at the end.
“Mom, who are you kissing?”
I look at the screen and see the boy that haunts my dreams and reality. He turns and faces the camera, his arm slung around me. When I see his blue eyes I bite my lip. I’ve been thinking about him more and more since Mason died, and I wonder if he’s happy. I get up and turn off the TV so I don’t have to look at him anymore.
“He’s no one, baby.” I say as I leave the room.
CHAPTER 5
LIAM
Driving through town last night was a mistake. Stopping in front of the Preston house was an utter lapse in judgment. I was surprised to find that Mr. Preston was awake, let alone willing to come outside and stare down a stranger on a motorcycle, especially one dressed in all black.
The walls of this hotel room are closing in and fast. I should’ve stayed farther out of town where I could at least have a suite with space to move. I need to pace and think. Think about what I’m going to do when I see her. I just want to look. I need to know that she’s okay and happy. That she’s moved on with her life and I’m nothing but a blip on her radar.
Maybe she buys my music because she can say she once knew me, a long time ago. I’ve pictured her many times standing in the line at the grocery store holding People or Rolling Stone when I’m on the cover. I want to think that she’s read the articles and seen me talk about her without actually saying her name. That she’s created a playlist on her iPod of all the songs that are about her, that she knows I’ve never stopped loving her.
I pound my fists into my head. “You’re so stupid, Liam. She doesn’t fucking care about you. You left her and changed your number so you wouldn’t have to listen to her crying on your voicemail.”
I have to get out of this hotel because staying here just reminds me of her and the night we lost our virginity to each other and it’s driving me insane.
With my helmet on before I reach the lobby, I sprint through the door avoiding the day clerk that is working. She’s actually a bit cuter then the night clerk, but not by much. There’s nothing worse than a woman who tries too hard.
I speed through the back roads, taking corners faster than I should, passing cars that are going too slow and blowing by a school bus full of kids. A few horns honk and windows roll down, hands flying out. I don’t bother to look in my mirror to see them flipping the bird. I’ve done it before to whatever jackass thinks he owns these roads.