“My reputation?” Jack swallowed. “Yeah, I guess I deserved that. But you know, Keri Ann, there’s always going to be an Ashley. Someone saying they know me, or did something with me or whatever. Please. Please be strong enough to choose us over this.”
He was right. “I want to Jack, I’m going to try to be strong enough to deal with that. But as it stands you’re asking me to give up my own identity, one that I’m only just discovering. My mother did it for my father, and excuse the cliché, but she lived a life of quiet desperation. That’s what Joey sees for me with you, and I understand now. That’s what you’re asking of me. To never be recognized as my own person, always to be talked about in reference to you.”
He grabbed my shoulders. “Even if people talk, it won’t last forever. At least not with the same intensity. I know I promised to keep us secret, but I’m no longer in control, thanks to Audrey.”
Panic washed over me.
“It’s going to be impossible actually. I wish—”
“What?” I hiccupped a sob. “So you just want to go on business as usual and stick me in the slot of Jack Eversea’s latest romantic interlude? Since your next movie is filming here, how convenient you have a local girl all lined up to take care of your lonely nights. And bonus, she gets to cash in on your fame to get some publicity.” I breathed out roughly, already regretting my words and the bitterness in my voice. The way I’d just reduced the amazing thing we had between us to a cheap and shallow anecdote. I didn’t need a tabloid to do it, I’d just done it myself.
Jack’s eyes were dark.
“God, I’m sorry,” I said, and wiped my eyes. “I’m so sorry. You know that’s not how I feel about us.”
“I don’t think I really do know. I know that you’re scared.” He shoved a hand bleakly through his hair. “I wish you weren’t afraid to be with me.” His eyes settled on mine, and he looked so sad. “People use me all the time. They use my name and my status for everything. Being seen with me, wanting me to use or wear their product, their clothes, talk about it, wanting me at a party to raise their profile.” He sneered, his mouth twisting. “Over and over again.
“But for once.” He kicked at the ground. “For fucking once, I want to do that for good, for something I choose, beyond the bullshit. Even beyond the charity stuff I do and money I give away to this and that, even the freaking sea turtles.”
“You give money to the sea turtles?” I interjected. The first orange sun rays glinted off his glossy brown hair.
“Since I met you, yes,” he said dismissively then looked at me intently. “I want to be able to use who I am to help you. I want to help you pay for SCAD, I want to save your house for you.”
God. Mortification burned me from the inside out. He must have heard the whole conversation I had with Joey.
“And I know you won’t let me,” he went on before I could react. “You have too much pride, you’d think I felt sorry for you or something. I don’t. Not even fucking close. Yes, I want to go to your party,” he said fiercely. “If you don’t want to use my name then I want to go and be there for you, as your boyfriend, not as Jack Eversea. I know this is the biggest thing you’ve ever done. And I’m so proud of you even though I have no right to be.”
“But you can’t be there as my boyfriend and not as Jack Eversea,” I said quietly, my eyes casting down to his chest. “They’re the same thing as far as everyone is concerned.”
“You’re right, and what’s wrong with that if it means more people show up and more people pay attention to how damn talented you are? And no, since we’re being honest,” he ground out, “I don’t want to keep us a secret.” He jabbed his chest, hard. “I’m just a guy in here. A mostly insecure, when it comes to you, depressing idiot, who has created this life of grand illusion. But it is my life. Without it, I wouldn’t have you, but with it, I can’t really be with you?” he asked. “It makes no fucking sense. I want you to see it all for the sham it is and look through it to me … I want your brother’s approval only because I realize I’ll never fully have you without it. I also want you to not give a shit who’s watching. I want you to be proud of being with me and not care about what people might say about us.” He pointed to his chest again. “Because I don’t care what people say about us.”
My eyes stung sharply before filling again and blurring my vision. All my joy and happiness at being with Jack—and fears enough to cancel the good stuff out—swirled blindingly together.
“I don’t think I’m ready,” I said in a small voice.
“What are you saying?”