I watched but he gave me nothing more.
I kept going. “So, seeing you with Amy, being drunk and twenty and wanting you and not getting all of you, seeing you with her, I know I was wrong now but then it seemed obvious to me.” I hurried on, having to get it out. “I know it was stupid, I know that now, I didn’t know it then, I couldn’t. All I knew was you gave her something you wouldn’t give me. How could I know that you’d both been drugged? That kind of shit never occurred to me.”
I waited and Colt just watched me, unmoving.
There it was. That was it. It was done and pain burned through me so blistering, so deep, my body started shaking trying to hold myself standing.
But if we went our separate ways for good, he deserved to go his way knowing it all.
“Pete took my virginity,” I told him and I watched his head jerk, surprise flashed across his features before they settled into disbelief.
“I know,” I went on, “what those guys said, I know all about it. I know everyone was talkin’ about me. I’m not denyin’ I went wild, got drunk, partied, smoked too much pot, fooled around. None of those guys got as far as you though, not near as far. You probably don’t believe me and why they said that shit, I don’t know and I didn’t care. I’d lost everything, my sole reason for being was tryin’ to numb the pain and everyone thought the worst of me, what did it matter? Why fight it?” I lifted a hand and pulled my hair away from my face, holding it at the back of my head, looking to the floor, talking to myself. “And in the end, I gave it to Pete. Fuck. Pete. So goddamned stupid, I was always so goddamned stupid.”
I dropped my hand and looked at him. He’d changed, I didn’t know how but he had. Though I saw it, the change didn’t register on me. I had my story to tell and I had to get out. I was done with it all. Colt was right, I couldn’t hack it and I was going to haul ass. But I was going to do this first, he deserved that.
“Far as I knew, my first boyfriend cheated on me, any guy I kissed lied about me and my husband beat me. I know you know this but that time you saw me wasn’t the only time he used his fists on me, it was just the worst,” I informed him, not looking at him, my eyes having wandered over his shoulder. “Then I took off and kept myself to myself. I was lonely but I didn’t care about that either. Lonely’s a different kind of pain, it doesn’t hurt as bad as heartbreak. I preferred it and embraced it ‘cause I reckoned it was one or the other. It took me five years to find Butch and there was no one between him and Pete. I was workin’ a bar in Georgetown and Butch came in. After that he came in as regular as he could for six months before he hired me at his bar. I worked there for two months before he got a date. We’d been together for four more before I let him fuck me and we’d been exclusive another six before I moved in with him. He was patient, worked at it hard and we had good times but the minute he got it, he threw it away. I shoulda known he would but I fell for it, fell for him. Stupid, stupid February.”
“Feb –” Colt said but by then I was still looking over his shoulder, unfocused, unseeing, lost in my memories of a man dead because of me and memories of my life, all those memories dead too, also because of me.
“Liars, cheaters, beaters. Who needs that shit?” I asked the wall.
“Feb –” Colt repeated but I talked right over him.
“After Butch, I was done. Met a guy, name’s Reece, worked a bar I was at, a drifter like me. We kept in touch, even apart if we found we were close, we’d get together. He’d have women between times, not me, no one. Reece was safe, he made no promises and didn’t mind I held everything back, preferred it that way. We both had one thing to give and we both took it. He cut through the lonely every once in awhile, which was good because by the time we’d hook up, I’d need a break. He had a bike, would take me for rides,” I closed my eyes, felt my lips form a half smile and finished on a whisper, “God, those rides… only times I ever felt free ‘cause they were the only times I’d let me be me.”
“Feb.”
My eyes shot open because my name was said close and I saw why. Colt, glass gone, was standing right in front of me. He was looking at my face not in my eyes and I knew what he was seeing. I realized then I had started crying somewhere down the line, so lost in my stupid tale of woe, I didn’t even know when.
That didn’t matter either. Nothing mattered anymore.
“Denny wins,” I whispered, my head tilted back, my eyes on Colt’s and when I spoke his eyes came to mine. “He wanted every piece of me? He’s got it. The fuck of it is; I helped him along the way.”
Colt lifted his hand and slid his fingers to curl around the back of my neck.
“Baby –” he murmured.
I jerked away from his hand and stepped away, I couldn’t take his touch. Not again. The memory of it was too sweet, so sweet, it made my jaws lock. I turned, done sharing, I’d not share again. It hurt too much. I felt something close down inside of me as I took my first step to the door then, during the second one, it locked. Seemed strange I’d lock someplace that was empty inside me, nothing treasured to keep safe inside but I locked it all the same.
I didn’t get the third step in.
Colt’s arm hooked around my stomach and he hauled me back. I hit his body and his other arm came around me, holding strong, locking me close, no way to escape even if I fought it which I didn’t, I had nothing left in me.
His mouth was at my ear when he said, “Only way Denny could win is if we let him, baby.”
I shook my head and said, “Colt, let me go, we both know we should have never started this again. We both know.”
His arms grew tighter. “You walk away from me, you let him win.”
“He’s already won.”
“He hasn’t, Feb.”