Do you understand now, Lily? Do you understand why I couldn’t explain what I had learned to anyone? Why I pushed Rowan away and wouldn’t let him see my memories of the cinder world—not even to make him understand why I had to stop Alaric and his scientists?
Yes, Lillian. You didn’t trust yourself enough to only show part of the cinder-world memory. You were afraid Rowan would keep digging until he found his father. He’s relentless when he wants to see a memory—like when he wanted to know what Carrick had done to me in the oubliette.
When I first came back I was so weak and sick my mind would have been an open book to him. No one must ever know, Lily. No one but us.
Caleb told me that River was the first person you hanged. You did that in case you failed and the bombs went off, didn’t you? You killed River first to make sure he never became that thing in the barn.
If Rowan ever knew, it would change him. I broke his heart, but seeing his father like that would break something much deeper in him. Something much more precious. Have you ever seen Rowan’s core?
Yes, Lillian. It’s like a diamond—pure and strong.
His father gave him that. Rowan makes all of his moral decisions based on what he thinks his father would do. Seeing River in the barn would take that compass away from him. Do you know what love is, Lily? Real love?
I’m not sure anymore.
Love is being willing to become the villain so that the one you love can stay a hero.
*
Lily awoke with her head in Una’s lap. Her sore arm was bound tightly to her chest.
“The train’s beginning to slow,” Una said. “We think we’re pulling into a station.”
“Are we in Richmond?” Lily asked.
“Not yet, but we’re getting off anyway to heal you,” she answered. “I think we’re in Baltimore, so we’re not too far.” Una looked down at Lily. “That was some dream you had—if it was a dream. Felt more like a memory to me.”
Lily kept her voice low and her face calm even though she was anything but. “How much did you see?”
“One or two images,” Una whispered. She swallowed hard around a lump in her throat. “That wasn’t you in the barn. It was Lillian, wasn’t it?”
“Yes.” Lily sat up and looked Una in the eye.
“Who was the doctor?” The way Una said the word it was obvious she meant “butcher.”
Lily turned her head and looked pointedly at Rowan, who was caught up in a heated discussion with Breakfast and Tristan. Then she looked back at Una, her eyes begging. “Please, Una. He loved his father. He can never find out.”
“I know a thing or two about secrets,” Una replied. “About keeping secrets no matter how much they hurt, although lately I’m starting to think that maybe it’s better when you don’t.”
“Please,” Lily whispered again.
I won’t tell Rowan, but maybe you should. I don’t understand what was going on in Lillian’s memory, but I could feel an emotion in you that I recognize too well. Shame. That never ends well, Lily. Trust me. The only way to end shame is to bring it out of the dark and into the light.
Lily and Una stared at each other. Thank you, Una.
On top of the next train car Rowan, Tristan, and Breakfast were busy discussing what food to get at the station and how best to get it. Rowan was trying to explain to them that stealing wasn’t the smartest thing to do in a world cloaked in wards, even though Rowan could break just about anyone’s ward of protection if he chose.
“I traded for some money with Riley,” Breakfast said reluctantly. “But I wanted to hold on to it in case we needed something to pay the Outlanders.”
Rowan shook his head and smiled. “They’re my tribe, Breakfast. We don’t need to pay them. Just get Lily some salty food, but don’t ask to buy salt directly. It’ll look suspicious.”
As he spoke of her, Rowan glanced over at Lily and saw that she was sitting up. His eyes softened when they met hers and her heart hurt just looking at him. Luckily, he misinterpreted the source of her emotion.
You’re still in a lot of pain.
I’ll live.